Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Update to my sitch, the end has come

Hey Marine
More evidence the better for your custody hearing. When an addict is telling the truth is when they are sleeping. You know how clever they are.

Even if you have to pay a PI to gather all it and testify if the other do not (married men and such). It's like walking thru an open sewer to get to an objective that gives you no pleasure however long term its for your kids.

It may be overkill but Gen Petras does not believe in a fair fight.

Just an HMs perspective. Seen some of my Marines deal with the same over the years.

To all, I have an almost endless well of forgiveness for woman I love and what she has done to me, i wont hold that against her, I just cant be with her. I do not have any forgiveness for what ANYONE, including their mother does to put my children in harms way. Over the past couple of days there are even more horrendous things that are coming out as you can imagine. Its very difficult to hear.

it's awful how some family members are enablers, either put a deaf ear or take their children's side & not see the big picture. I hope pray I never ever be that mother that takes their kids' side if they are destroying their M, not have them expect me to cover their butts for them.
Keeping you in my prayers

Dear Mako,

I did a 12 step program 11+ years ago and have managed to stay healthy. It was NOT meth, (prescription painkillers) and I've heard that meth takes longer to get over. At first it's hard to believe you can feel alright, let alone at peace or happy, without your drug of choice. She faces such a hard journey, inwardly and outwardly. Making amends will scare the crap out of her, so I'd ask you to realize that forgiving her doesn't mean she's got permission to do any of these things again. But it might make her other many amends easier to try, if you don't shoot her down too much.

It sucks for her, yes. But I know it has sucked for you and the kids big time so don't think I'm excusing her. But there are genetic and bio-physical components to addiction that are Not ALL BS.

Addiction -- a disease or an excuse? Maybe both. We know there are physical parts to it as it runs in families even when the siblings did not get raised together. The advantage of calling it a disease is it keeps us from thinking it's all handled now, and that we're fine enough to start up again. No one says "Hey, I can mentally control my hepatitis/diabetes" so by seeing it as a disease, we in recovery are less likely to imagine we can control it down the road. Nope, one is too many and a 1000 is never enough.

I hope she gets the good kind of rehab. Mine was a gift from God and although I thought it was the absolute worst time in my life, I now see it differently. I am a better person for it, less judgmental, much more humble, but also stronger inside.
You can't get better if you think you're a piece of crap. You'll just act like it.
The healthier she becomes the more honest she'll be. She has some tough amends to make and the mountain she'll need to climb might overwhelm her into not even trying. Yes that can be seen as an excuse but still, if you can muster it up, let her have hope. Someday she'll be better and the kids will have R's with her and that is a good thing no matter what happens in the M.

Some of us do make it you know, and most of those who do become and stay sober and clean, have an average of 1.5 relapses (don't ask me what half a relapse is, math isn't a forte of mine) before it really becomes believable to us that we can do it AND find joy in our lives, without wracking guilt. The guilt can be dangerous b/c it'll convert into anger and she'll lash out at herself, or someone else.

At some point as part of her healing, you will be asked to face your role in her addictions, or your denials. Be brave, cuz God knows she'll have been brave to even get through the program. If you want to talk about that here , we can. But it's probably too much for you, too early now.
Wishing you good things,
j-

Mako

I was in absolute shock when I read your post. My thoughts are with you and your girls.

Best of luck with your move to Pittsburgh.

We are here for support.

Fish

Thanks to all, in the beginning I thought I was dealing with the typical WAW stuff, read the DB books, played the game. Started dating again after 8 months and that did prompt a strong reaction from her. Plus, I have been down this seperation road with her, its a real love story so to speak, or more appropriately a horror story with some passionate parts thrown in the mix over 2 years. She also must understand and cope with the Bipolar and other psychological issues, which are really the catalysts for this latest collapse. I have always been that security blanket, perhaps an enabler, and no more than now when her life was close to an end. How will she react when she is sure that blanket, that NET is gone? How far will she fall next time? I know its all about the kids, always has been for me, but I still have that silly "leave no man behind" gene planted firmly in my brain, and this isnt any person, this is my wife and the mother of my children. I am struggling with doing the RIGHT thing for my children, for myself but that also means leveling perhaps a fatal blow to someone that I still love, my head feels like watermelon thats been dropped from a 10 story roof. There are big chunks of clear thoughts, and a lot of scattered pieces that I also have to put into place and time is always against me because of courts, lawyers, and this damn silly feeling of love. How much am I supposed to take? In brutal combat many marines will relatively quickly become indifferent to all the bloodshed, to the point where they can sit down and eat chow with dead bodies all around them. Is this what has happened to me? Its like I have been so desensitized to her madness, seen so much of it that I just keep pushing through without really stopping to let it all sink in. I dont think thats strength, I think I am able to put up a solid front against this sh*t, and I am afraid to let it down, else this womans madness will slam me to the ground and keep me there. Bah, Im rambling, sorry.

Mako -

KEEP RAMBLING AND DO NOT APOLOGIZE.

We are here for you. Let it out, vent, do whatever it takes to avoid anxiety and depression.

Your situation is incredibly difficult, but can only get better. She will always be the mother of your children, thank god she is getting help.

Do not punish yourself for being a forgiver. If somehow your wife can get straight and you can put your life together, keep the option open. Every story does not have to have a bad ending.

Read a million little pieces.

Fish,

As I said before its not so much my capacity for forgiveness, or even me keeping an option open. Its really her, she has had a lifelong battle with her own low self-esteem for a myriad of reasons starting long before she ever met me. I just dont see how after a lifetime of sabotaging everything good in her life, and this latest death spiral she can ever be 'taught' to see any self-worth. Its the whole 'you cant love someone until you love yourself' thing, I cant wrap my head around her being able to overcome the damage she has caused in her own life and feeling that she is still a worthy person, regardless of what the people who love her tell her. Hell, thats never made a difference in that past, seems now that mountain just became even more perceptually impassable for her. In 12 years I only heard her tell me she was happy twice, when we first met and after our first reconciliation. She is perpetually depressed.

How will she react when she is sure that blanket, that NET is gone? How far will she fall next time? I know its all about the kids, always has been for me,..
========================
I've been my H's "security blanket" for 2 yrs, and was also was an enabler, he never really grew up and stood for our M fully. I dont' know how far my H will fall this time (things are stable, but that's now) but I know that I've walked through fire -like you- and now it is time to let go. Nope, we have no assurances that this time around they'll learn to love themselves enough to shape up and fight for their M and R, but we have gone well above and beyond the call of duty. I've been told that "you can't save a man from himself"-- it has been very hard for me to understand and let my H go (we are on a mutual S right now), but it must be done.
Your w might sink or she might swim, this isn't your battle anymore, you will never be accused of not trying hard enough, at your own detriment you've hanged on, but there is a limit to everything and now you must cease to try to control the sitch your W has put herself into.
Protect your girls and yourself, it's time you let go and take time to heal yourself and be healthy.
You are still in my prayers)))))))))

Cat,

You echo the words of those that have been closest with me through this, and you echo what I think I really feel inside. Its just damn hard to let go now, it was easier when I was just letting go of a marriage, now I feel as though I am letting go of a life. But, you are exactly right and no one can save a person from themself. Guess I have to learn when to stop fighting for something, and for me especially thats a tough one.