Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Uncomfortably Numb II

S.T.

Please do read up on the sitch when you can. More input is always welcome.

Plus you will find out a little more about sponsor/foster D14 that explains the reasons behind her behavior. SAD

Hi folks

Didn't make it to the movies tonight. I spent a chunk of the day reading and pouring myself into DR.

My PMA is kinda flat. Uncomfortably numb.

W has for now reverted back to texting me - slap in the face as far as I am concerned. If I found the inventor of that I would slap them silly. Few other things are more de-personalizing.

Whether in response to my short & sweet VM last evening or caused by something else I don't know but the texts began with the one informing me of D14 being sexually active and one today informing me that D14's foster mom was wondering if we could pitch in some $ for D14's new Karate class/uniform etc.

I chose quite a while back not to dignify these stupid text msgs with responses fm me, unless a dire emergency.

Guess I am truly old fashioned and a throwback to a different time (well I don't really guess)when hearing a persons voice and seeing their eyes was what mattered. As stone-aged as I may be, I don't regret it in the least. Just call me Ted Kaszinski (?sp)-unibomber.

Not much steam left here.

Be a lover of the life the Lord grants you and don't have tunnel vision.

T - Don't be disappointed in her communications method. DR book page 117. The Medium Is The Message. If this is the only way she can communicate with you right now, so what. Take it. It's not forever.

I Wanna

Ok I won't be disappointed in that, just a whole lot of other things - their is no shortage it seems . .almost lol.

Thanks for the DR ref. I will be returning to my studies at some point today in between truck shopping.

I have been informed that the truck shopping may be a major enhancement to my 180's and overall DB'g tactics. I say this because being extremely miserly runs in the family and it didn't skip me. So my driving of "bailing wire and duct tape" vehicle days will soon be concluded I think. I'll see how that grabs the W. I am sure she will be floored. I realize now that it was none to endearing of a character trait of mine.

Past is past.

Come join the future . .W

Have fun truck shopping. Hope your day goes well.

Greetings peeps

I have had a long day so far with still a few hrs left in it.

The truck shopping is moving along. I am always slow and deliberate in all things, especially when dropping a large chunk a change on something. And I am a total stranger to the new truck buying market so today was a day to be brought up to speed on things. The sales associate was very cool about helping a newbie without much direction. So I may be just a whisker away fm buying a Toyota Tacoma.

The truck shopping at least temporarily caused me to shift my mind off of being completely angry as I was for most of the rest of the day. Having a good solid physical workout is usually the perfect antidote for the anger. Things like running, getting doggie out, gym workout, sex . . .oh yeah, nixx that last one. There was once a day when it was given equal time with the other less desirable activities. Oh what I wouldn't give to just be able to caress her body, run my fingers through her hair, snuggle with her. It causes me to tingle all over my body just to think of being near her and to be able to experience some intimacy with her.

Then reality hits. Ain't gonna happen anytime soon if ever. Chances are she really has moved on while I orbit here waiting for something that is not to be. And if that should turn out to be the case I will stay numb for the remainder of my life as I am now.

Just call me Walt Disney. All froze up and nowhere to go. W holds the torch that she can either use to thaw me with or she could go one step further and after the thaw out just keep the flame to me till I am ashes. Or she may toss the torch aside and go boggieng on w/ her life.

That pretty well is a capsule of a fair amount of the harsh anger I am stewing in.

God rescue me from this abyss.

Adding to my sinking feelings is the very negative trend of interactions between me & my little girl. I just got off the phone with her and as has been the case over the last 4 calls to her she was not expressive in the least. So they tend to be very short calls with me doing virtually all the talking.

Oh well I am no stranger to rejection. Guess I had better prepare for a double spear through the heart.

I am beginning to see things with a little more crystal clear observation. For instance, I am and have been since June a person with no real roots of an actual home. I am essentially a gypsy. I don't even wish to continue to drag all my [censored] in bags, luggage and a trash strown vehicle containing a dog to my parents anymore. That is where I have been spending my weekends. I told them today I plan on not subjecting them to that anymore. It is really pitiful.

I never really was all that organinzed of a person to begin with (although I have made strides to overcome it)but due to all this SHIP taking place I am really losing it. I can not keep track of anything. I am out of order.

Lord where are you? Better put my glasses on.

Tomato,
My parent's divorced when I was 7. When I got to my teenage years, I totally stopped communicating with my Dad.
It was combination of living arrangements and just plain being a teenager. But had nothing to do with my Dad...in fact, I wish my Dad had made more of an effort even though I wasn't that responsive.
What I'm trying to say is...don't take it personally. I'm sure it isn't intended that way.

I can relate to the being in order thing...and I'm not a gypsy! You know that could be a great solution based goal. Get yourself organized. I know your living circumstances aren't the most ideal for creating order...but maybe if you can start with what you've got you'll feel better about yourself.



Do you need the glasses for crystal clear observation?? Hmmmm.

J~

Thanks Jenny & Blindsided1

Today's anger has subsided almost totally now that the day is ended. Now I am just left with the sadness.

I am kind of embarassed of my life. I guess it got that way for W too.

I am really dragging and falling behind with so much that this week is going to wreak havoc on me. I need to have a solid day tomorrow and begin to "get back in the saddle". I need consistency and routine and it is just not happening right now. Instead I am petrified and just watching the world go by. Doesn't seem like DB. I seem to be not 'DB'g my A$$ off' as is often mentioned on here. And as a result I am missing many an oportunity to be proactive in dealing with W and maneuvering toward reconciliation. I just feel like it's slipping away. Like the strength I need is just not there.

Valentine's Day - how do I deal with that, what do I do? to send or not to send?

Text M's fm W on weekend - re:
1)discovery of condoms in D's purse

2)Could we contribute $ toward D's karate program

How do I respond (and do I do it w/ stupid text?)
Should I even respond at all?

I know she misses me but unless I get to be with her soon (not just in spirit), it is not going to be enough.

I am burning up over the idea that she can not trust me . .thinks I am at least EA'ing behind her back and maybe more. Get to know the man that you M for who he really is. I am not this kind of person. I can't even conjure up those kind of thoughts let alone engage in them. But, I am just scum like all the other guys out there . .in her mind. All distortions and absurdities. All manufactured by the devil. Why can't I get out fm behind this crap . .this smokescreen of lies.

I have no answers.

My time of prayer I always look forward to.

Tomato, ST gave me some really good advice not that long ago and it remains on my weekly goal list - every week.

---Choose to be positive for ONE day. If not for a whole day, set aside a 4 hour period or whatever you feel comfortable with. Really force yourself to NOT dwell during that period. If you start to go down that hole, just tell yourself you will go there later. It really helped me. Just try it. I tried it just for one day and it lasted 3 days. Granted the next week was hard, again. But, here I am this week and I'm back to it. You can do this.