Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Worried I found DB too late

I'm not doing anything, waiting to see if he's going to do anything. I did pick up two things, one funny and one somewhat impersonal. While out shopping, I saw a little plaque that said, "My husband must need glasses because he doesn't see things my way." Figured it was really funny and I'd give it to him if he did something for VDay. In addition, I picked up a nice pen/pencil set for him.

He's very into his career and has his sights on a big promotion soon. It's somewhat of a problem because I told him that if we got divorced that I'd want to move back to the Midwest where my family is and he said he wouldn't move and that he wouldn't let me move the kids away from him.

Valentine's hasn't been big for us (I realize that we should have been a lot more romantic), but this one has a lot of weight on it. Our anniversary came just three weeks after the bomb. We did celebrate, but it was a hollow celebration.

Hi cw,
Just wishing you a happy V day. This morning, our Ds came up into our bed and gave H&I valentines.

I am going to get something not too mushy for H and give it to him later.

He kissed me and wished me a happy V day this morning, but that's about all I'm going to get from him.

I am wondering where we'll be next Feb 14th. Sometimes I am certain we will be back together, stronger than ever. Other times, well, of course I worry it will be the opposite.

I have the same thoughts. I came from the apartment this morning as my H had the kids last night. I left the gifts there for him along with a GREAT card that I found that was totally anti-valentine's day and even said, "Crappy Valentine's Day" instead of happy. I wrote some realistic and some nice stuff in there.

When I came back to the house this morning, he had gotten me a magazine and some of my favorite truffles from him and the kids. The card said that it's a tough v-day for us, but that he wanted me to know that he loves and appreciates me and thinks I'm a wonderful person. All I could think was, "Then why the heck don't you want to try to work this out?!"

But I only said, "Happy Valentine's Day" and didn't allude to the fact that I had left a gift for him at the apartment. He can just discover it while feeling that empty feeling all day. I think he noticed because I had to call him about some bank matters and when he answered he said that he was just trying to hold it together; he had just gotten reamed by some salesman of theirs and was trying not to get emotional over it. To which I replied that it's OK to get emotional, you just have to keep it in check. (His lack of emotions is one of his issues.)

So, all in all, crappy valentine's day, but it could be worse I guess.

Men.

How nice that your H said he loves and appreciates you! My H will not use the word love in a sentence anywhere near me after having said the IDLYA in October. I bought him a bag of heart-shaped chocolates which I will give to him when he gets home later. I doubt he will get me anything and I bet D11 will notice. She asked me what I got him the minute she got off the school bus.

CW, your situation sounds very hopeful to me--but then mine sounds that way to some people too. My friends are convinced that my H will come out of this fog he is in and come back to me. I am not sure of that at all, sadly.

Men--indeed.

Sounds like your D11 definitely is noticing and is looking for reassurances. What have you told her about your situation?

It is nice that he still loves me, but he's not "in love" with me. Sometimes I feel really hopeful, but then I remember what a stubborn lout he is and doubt he could say he was wrong, or that he changed his mind.

I'm just trying to back off, do things that make me look a lot happier than I am and wait and see.

Well, H came home while I was upstairs and put two dozen pale pink roses in our living room and then left to pick up our car from the shop. D11 was having her piano lesson and saw him; I didn't. I came downstairs later and D said "look what daddy did secretly! He's your secret admirer." Of course there is no note, no indication that they are for me specifically--and of course pale pink isn't exactly passionate.

The impersonal delivery, the color--both have made me feel so sad and lonely. Earlier today I came across an old Valentine (no date on it) from H in which he called me his true and total love. He said he felt incredibly lucky to be my husband and looked forward to spending his life with me.

I have such a hard time understanding how someone can be so passionate and devoted for so long and then suddenly announce that they don't love you anymore. It feels like my fault, like I drove him away.

Are you happy that he got you flowers? If so, relish it and don't nit pick on the color. Also, have you seen him yet? Give him the benefit of the doubt first regarding delivery. Baby steps.

I have to tell myself "baby steps" all the time. Have you found jen_jams top 10 yet on this site? If not, search for it, it's awesome.

I tried to search for Jen Jam's list but had no luck at all. I'd love to find this post.

We had a really fun family dinner last night. H & I drank wine and we all got very silly and were throwing pasta at each other. I think part of it was relief at V day being over and no more wondering about if/what we'd get each other.

Anyway, when we have fun like that I literally start to forget that--oh yeah, H doesn't love me anymore. It makes NO sense that we would actually separate.
I had dreams about our early romantic, sexy days together and woke up feeling like everything is going to be fine with us--but I know that H doesn't see things as I do. For me, being silly and laughing at each other's jokes is such a clear "good" sign, one of many that H discounts.

The thing is, my weeks with H are full of what could be called baby steps--but they don't add up to anything--it's the tiny step forward and then the huge step back over and over and over. Ultimately, we end up in the same stuck place.

I'm new to this DB thing, but from what I understand, that's what it's all about. A few steps forward, some back, etc. The key is to find the root of the pattern, what causes the steps back and do less of those and more of the ones that make the steps go forward. I know what you mean, though. My husband and I get along.

Yesterday was interesting, to say the least. We saw each other in the AM, spoke a few times yesterday and I went into work to cover for someone who called me earlier in the day looking for a sub. (I work the front desk at our health club a few hours a week.) My H didn't know I'd be there and was surprised when he walked in. He chatted with me a few minutes, went and changed, came back up and chatted with me again, even noticed that I got my hair done today, and walked to the exercise room. I turned to get some towels and when I turned back around, I saw him walking into the exercise room while staring at me. My co-worker said that he was staring at me the whole time he was walking and my back was turned. When he was finished, he got the kids from childcare and they waited in the lounge for ten minutes while I finished my shift.

When it came time to say goodbye, my D started crying, saying she wanted Daddy to come home with us and not to the apartment. She wasn't hysterical, like she has been, but wouldn't stop, wouldn't look at him nor say goodbye to him. My husband looked crushed. I carried her out as she, my S and I left. She didn't calm down for close to an hour. While the kids were brushing their teeth, my H called on his way home from the gym to say goodnight, but I told him I didn't think it was a good idea because our D had just settled down.

About a half-hour later, he called again. He had just gotten home and opened the valentine's gifts from me. We laughed a little, he said good job on the gifts and the card then invited me to stay for dinner tonight, if I didn't have plans. God, I wish I would have had plans, but didn't so I said I'd enjoy that. He also wants to talk about the weekend plans. I do have plans for the weekend, in fact, I'm headed to the coast to visit a dear friend for some long beach walks and girl soulful time. Ahh. Can't wait. I'm purposefully going to be evasive about my weekend plans.

Lovemyguy, here's jen_jam's top 10:

1. Don't panic, no one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.

2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.

3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".

4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.

5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.

6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.

7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.

8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)

9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.

10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say.
You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.