Peace, he is MLC. He is not himself. He doesn't know from one minute to the next what he is saying or doing. You have to think in you mind that "He is not the husband or father to your children, that you married or once knew". I find, if I think this way when my H does this I can cope with it better. Think of your H as having a mental illness. He is CRAZY and you do not know this man. He is not the man you married and certainly not the father of your children.
My H told one of my S that he did not EVER love me. That son stopped contact with him that day and has never spoken to him since. Because this was the outcome, my H told my other son he left because we argued all the time. My son replied....dad I have never heard you and mom argue" (which is the truth, I guess that is one reason why this is so hard for me....I nor the boys saw it coming). Since that excuse did not go over very well with my second S and the fact that H has been lying to all of us, non of us are talking to him.
He called last night wants me to go and file with a cheap, quicky, friendly divorce agency and get this over with. Geeee, its been 4 1/2 months, now....he said, Can't I get it through my head that he is done and not coming back. He doesn't care what this is doing to anyone. It's all about him, his big head and his little head. The world revolves around him!
I don't want to file. I don't know if I should file or not. I absolutely love him just like the first day I met him 31 years ago. I know what he is doing is wrong. I do not believe in D unless there is physical abuse. But, I have a problem if he files first he will file in the city that he grew up in and where he is well known and rubs elbows with all the attorneys and judges. If I file here, then I will have the advantage because everyone here knows me. They will not treat him well in the courts here, especially if he brings an attorney from another city. So what do I do????? File or not???? My heart tells me not??? My brain tells me I better???? Suggestions???
Hate my life!!!
2ndnoah Married 24 years Dated 6 years H Filed D 3/5/08 Crushes my Heart! 2 teenage boys 15&19 Missing Him!
2nd Noah I cant tell you what to do to file or not one thing I can tell you is take your time The coaching through michelle coaches is very good and they may be able to give you ideas Iv e always read here that the person who wants D should file we shouldnt make it easy for them but I also hear you have other issues and concerns regarding who files maybe just try to put it off avoid any talks about D for now and in mean time get facts or ask others on board that have been D if you can get in touch with your gut..follow it peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
My ex said he left me for the following reasons. His excuse changed every week and it also depended who he was talking to:
a. I did not cook organic b. We argued all the time c. I was mean d. I dressed like a teenager e. I did not love him like he needed to be loved f. I was too judgmental g. I took him for granted h. I spent too much time with the kids i. I did not have stars in my eyes when I looked at him j. I did not run up to him and kiss him when he walked through door.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
You will likely get more input if you start your own thread here in the MLC forum. You will get a lot of good input.
It is not about MLC, though. I mean, it is and it isn't.
Now when he shows up, how about having his stuff boxed and be doing something you normally do not do?? Be firm about having him take his stuff, but be soft around the edges.
I'm telling you what a DB C is working with me on. Like everyone, I can assure you it's a devil to implement.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
SH UD Kiki Noah T Thanks for all your support You all are right
H here again said a few words and took kids to mall i guess I am lucky for now as hard as all is here and on kids, he seems committed to spending time with them and its really all the same..h has said it in one form or another more than once- IDLYA since bomb nothing different I guess I was hoping for progress to return hes not done with his work in the tunnel this is the only way through it for them and us lots of pain and no guarantees we have nothing to lose for standing except maybe our sanity I need to get to a more detached place focusing on the road ahead my new life not on H practice zipping my tongue and just continue with my DBpeace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peace, Did you get the link I posted in response to your request for "The Prodigal's Perspective" by Bob Steinkemp? Unfortunately, the post got deleted somehow.
Hi Thanks PH nothing knew here H here again he seemed ok He appears to be angry at me and any little thing can put him in a negative comment toward me they are the wons who hurt us ...with no concern we are the ones who DB- gave love for hurt tried to nurture and forgive them as our H who we love Its wierd how they treat us like still today with lack of respect when we are the ones who respected them when they did the unthinkable//we took the high road and still they cant or wont admit that we are real special wives for sticking this out with them then I thought..who would love me that much as we have loved them and still they wont/refuse to even acknowlege our stand
I went dancing line dancing last night my best friend is visiting from out west we had fun there were many couples doing east coast swing and different dancing I so enjoyed watching them dance..they were good! I think I am going to take lessons keep me busy peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
peace- I'm glad you had a good time dancing. You should try to focus on ways to up your PMA and not listen to anything your h says right now. He's in his tunnel, peeking out occassionally, let him do what he needs to do and when he peeks out next time, he'll see a terrific person, taking good care of herself and her children.
need to get to a more detached place focusing on the road ahead my new life not on H practice zipping my tongue and just continue with my DBpeace
Good for you...this is exactly what you need to be doing. new_attitude is exactly right. Make it a challenge to enjoy your life as much as you possibly can and when your H finally is able to look your way he will notice.
Glad to hear you had fun line dancing...go take lessons...sounds like a great way GAL.
I was talking to a friend yesterday trying to explain why I need to give my H his time and space. I said that if I was the one having the crisis, I would want my H to try to give me whatever I needed in order to heal...how could I do any less for my H than I would want him to do for me? I think that helped my friend understand.
I'm like you in that I feel like I have some kind of intuition about the final outcome of all this, but I just can't see how it will play out to get that outcome (is that faith? or hope? or both?). Then, there is that little voice in our heads saying "maybe you are just in denial." Of course that little voice is stronger when we hear the IDLYA talk from our spouses.
I think we have to trust our "intuition" and keep holding on to our patience! I have to think that if a time comes when we really have to throw in the towel, then our intuition will tell us that and that it will be a very strong, undeniable intuition.
(((hugs)))
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
