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giving him space= doing my own thing.

EM

Hi, still not happy about opening that account. Right now I don't see it as a gift, but i am being open minded about it. All night it has bothered me, but i had to say to myself look, you found two other credit cards that h has that i did not know about. So, why does it bother me that I have a credit card of my own and a checking account. I have no plans to have my work check deposited into my account. H will continue to pay our bills.

H was teaching all weekend and i went thru some bills that were around. I realized that H has us in debt, big time. So it is not going to be that easy to just take the money and run. (psychic told me this in nov he just want out, wants money and wants to leave) H it is not going to be as easy as you think. This is an issue H and I had in the past and now i see it is still a problem. H needs, wants and has to control the money. This is something in the future i need to address. In time.

Maybe you are right, the space i gave him last month along with his trip in dec helped him per say miss me, miss us.

i still need alot of tweeking and improving of things. But i am working on it, day by day.

I feel h is angry or upset about checking account. H came home in a foul mood. I asked him what was wrong, i did not get an answer. I just let it go. I walked away. Let him get ready for work. My head wants to believe he was just running late to work, and the weather is nasty here tonight. My heart feels he is angry about account. I don't know. What i really want is for h to start to talk. Tell me your upset h about account. I welcome the conversation, I won't be mad or upset. Just talk, we have to start somewhere, so maybe i opened the door. Who knows. H said talk to you later, i have not spoken to him and i am not calling him.

I find he is talkative but has not asked me one thing about my trip, does not want to look at one picture, nothing. So you know what. I shut up. You don't want to listen. I have nothing to say. Goes for more that the trip

Glad you like my giving up whining for lent. I am still doing the gym thing, errands and other things. Just not being hesitant about going or doing. Just doing.

Well thanks for checking in EM, glad to hear from you, and looking forward to your reply.

Bear

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1330225&page=7#Post1330225

I know I always do this wrong, but i just can't get it right.

When does it become H's time to join in this renewal of us? Why does it feel I have to put in 1000% of me, and he is not putting .000001% . When will he get on the boat per say. Is he on now with being nice to me?

I know it is way too hard to have things on his terms all of the time.

The advice you've been given over the time you've been on the board is designed to get you in the drivers's seat a little more.
He isn't there yet.

How will you know?

From the things you've said it won't be easy. He seems to engage in ways that do not prove out to be real baby steps.
So from what you've said.....when he really acts interested around the house, when he isn't interested in sleeping on the sofa....when he takes you around his friends.

There are definitely signs BEFORE those things....but only you two know what they are....

What do YOU think they would be?

SG

You are right, its hard to see what are real steps for him.

So far there are no signs true signs things are changing with him. H still sleeps on the couch, no contact with friends or family.

He right now is just acting differently around the house. But when will he take another step. I don't want to push or shove. I just feel like all I am doing is just standing here. I see my improvements I am working on changing things. I see my changes, I see where i still need work. But some of the things i need to work on, need to be done with H. I can only do so much on my own.

I would hope it would start with communiation, then maybe a little more affection shown.

bear

Ok I have a question for those wiser than me who have gone thru this mess or going thru it.

When do you finally believe your spouse is telling the truth. I am having a difficult time believing the words coming out of my h's mouth. Like today, h says he is going to work for a short time then will be home, asked what i want for dinner. My reply is i have the gym, make what ever you feel like, i will eat when i get home. Ok fine

I just get a text a few minutes ago, "issues here-eat on your own-sorry.

Ok is it me, am i wrong, i don't believe him there is a work issue. why ok, tomorrow is valentines day, is he with her now? Or is he just with her with no relation to tomorrow being valentines day?

I am finding it so hard to believe the words that come out of my h's mouth. H could tell me that my eyes are brown, and i don't believe him. I am trying so hard to let this go, h is just not giving me any confirmation or something to back up what he says. Am i crazy to feel this way. Am i focusing on something that is not there?

I really, really want to trust him, I just keep going back to all the lies, and i just can't seem to let it go, i always have that doubt. Does it go away or is it always there?

I know this is something i need to work on, i just wish he would show me the truth, and i think i would be less doubtful of him.

thanks for you thoughts
bear

There is a whole lot more you can do on your own.

Hi Bear -
it takes a long time - a really long time to believe them. I still struggle. But I'll tell you what helps...are you ready? really ready to hear this?

The only thing that helped me to believe him was letting him go. I could not believe him until he showed me that he was trustworthy. There wasn't anything he could say that would cause me to believe him - he had to SHOW me. How did I get him to do that? I stopped obsessing over him and his OW and his A and concentrated on me. I gave him the space he wanted.

What can you do today to make yourself happy? To occupy yourself? When these thoughts about H (and any thought at all about him) pop into your head do something to get rid of it. Stop thinking about him. Stop obsessing. Stop wondering. Stop. That behavior is hurting you. Let him figure out his own life while you figure out yours. If it pops into your mind, practice thought stopping. picture a stop sign, a warm beach, fun times with your family, change what you are doing, make a list in your head of what is good about you, knit something in your mind - think about anything BUT h.

Bear you have come such a long way since you first started posting. Keep moving in that direction. Thinking about trusting him is not working for you right now. He is going to let you down - again. Focus on you.

If you haven't recently, go back and read some of your early posts. I think you will be presently surprised to see the progress you have made. What else can you do to continue your progress.

Em

EM

Thanks I just needed to hear what i thought was the answer. Time. Bottom line just time.

Wanting to fix things and see immediate approval stems back from my childhood. I am working very hard with my therapist on this. Its difficult, but i can proudly say I am dealing with it more and more over time.

You are right, he needs to show me that he is trustworthy and he is so not there. Even if you don't believe me or it sounds like i don't. I am honestly not thinking about him and her as much. I have been letting go. More than i could ever show you guys.

Like tonight, I was not going to go to the gym, i was at work late, weather was supposed to be not that great. So after his text I was like, you know, if he is doing whatever, that his promise of making dinner means nothing, why should it mean anything to me. So off to the gym i went. Had a great workout. took my time. I got home close to 9. Made myself something to eat. As i was just about to sit down h comes in, and is like i am starving. My reply, well there is plenty to eat. Soup, salad, leftovers, frozen pizza. H made himself frozen pizza.

I in the past have used the stop sign as you said. You know as of late, my job has been so upside down i find myself constantly thinking about it. Keep in mind that is not good to do either, but keeps my mind off of h.

I know he is just going to let me down. I see that, i guess i just want to know when it is coming so i can just move out of the way, try to side step the direct impact. Go for a side shot per say.

I know i have made progress. I need to keep going in that direction. I just realize that i am a person who from a young age, has always jumped thru hoops, bent over backwards done all i could (from my earliest memory about age 6) to make thing right. This has continued my whole life. My therapist calls it creative. I call it neurotic behavior. I always feel I have to fix it make it perfect. Thats why i want to do all i can to fix and work on marriage with h.

There are times, no matter what i do how much i give up of me, made or makes no difference the results are always negative to me. I am the one who looses.

I know our old marriage is gone, the past is over, a new must begin, its just I know we have to start back as friends and i understand that. H is just not a friend, he does not know how to be one. That is what hurts. Like tonight if you give your word you are going to make dinner, if you know you are not going to be around, don't promise anything. Friends don't do that. Maybe i have unrealistic ideas about friendship, maybe that is why i have a hard time making and keeping friends.

I think back that h says i have not friends, (true to a point) but neither do you H. All of your childhood friends except for one live out of state. Sorry rambling, just venting on things i am working on. How can you even try to be someone's friend if you have no respect for them. That is where i feel h stands with me he has no respect for me, friend wise or marriage wise. I know we have to start as friends and we did start out as friends but i am beginning to get a sick feeling in my stomach that the way h is now, he is not the kind of friend i would want. And that makes me feel bad.

Forward EM is the only direction i can go. Thanks for letting me vent. Have to head off to the shower and then to bed, have three meetings to deal with tomorrow starting at 10am. YUCK!

bear

Bear...
You're sounding better and better each time I read your thread.
Hope your meetings went well today.

Just remember that your H is probably changing a lot right now. It's understandable that you don't respect him given the circumstances...have faith that he can be that person. And be patient.

I'm thinking about you!!
J~