Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Please help me!! My wife wants out!

Nothing much to report on tonight. Final broke the good day/bad day cycle. Had 2 good(not bad) days on the run. She had told another personn in work today of our problems and said again that she didnt want to save the marriage. Later went on to say that she cant make any promises as she will feel bad if she needs to break them. But if she doesnt promise and something happens then that is ok. Suppose that is a promising statement (of sorts). Also mentioned again that the OM `keeps saying she might change her mind about me`. Dont know what to make about that really.
Anyway just focusing on myself. I am going away for the weekend to see old friends.

I am really trying to fight the urge to speed her up, make her fall in love again. I is hard, but I know that will only hurt any progress I am making.

I dont want to lose her. I am scared.

Cheers

Steve

Is there any way I can get more people interested in my thread? Do I need to move it somewhere?

Need input at the moment please!

Steve

Steve,

Steve newcomers is the most productive area and it's a bit like intensive care in comparison to the piecing section which I've just moved to which is more like a convalescing home.

I think what you'll find is that once you get a grip of DBing and are not in a state of desperation and panic people tend to follow but not necessarily post on your thread, just check your views, about 10 per post is good.

Also you've just posted a big 180 which shows you're in control of things so your not likely to get major responses unless you blow things (f*ck things up) and I don't think you'll do that now. Also at the time of your post most people in the US are tucked up in bed.

So stay calm keep posting your followers are with you.


Lan

Steve you took what could be a big and important step. It seems from your W's point of view she's had to "fight" you to get this S (Separation). The best way to end a fight is to stop fighting. Now she cannot fight you on this because you refuse to fight.

Now her head can clear of the "OMG how do I convince him I really mean this" and it will give her time to think.

I remember being about 10 and arguing with my parents. I said I was going to leave home. My Mum said "OK, off you go". I packed my bag and got as far as the garden before going home again

Foem as a woman, there is nothing more attractive then when my H lets me be who I am without trying to "fix" me. Like lat night, I was feeling very down because of things in life (not connected with my M) and my H just let me feel down, didn't try to force me to cheer up and it helped a great deal. In the past he would try and cheer me up, and I would feel obliged to force yself to be happy for his sake. Let your W feel the feelings she does, don't try to force her not to have them, it will not work.

Don't panic about this OM, to be honest it looks like it can go nowhere anyway. You can fight him by being the bigger man. You fight him by becoming more attractive to your W - a long process though. Look up some of FrankD's posts, he may well have something to help here.

Finally, if you can get hold of a film called "It's All Gone Pete Tong". it's about a DJ in Ibizia who goes deaf. He loses EVERYTHING. I watched it early in my sitch and found it a lot of comfort.

OK - my 2p for now. Take it easy, breath deep and as they say in the Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy - DON'T PANIC

Steve
I have been following your thread, but I don't really feel qualified to make any suggestions, as I am new to this as well. Just know that I feel for you and your sitch. Keep posting, though. Even if you don't get a lot of return posts, I have found it valuable for organizing my thoughts or just venting.

Hi Lan, thanks for those words. Nice to hear people think I am on the right track, just wanted another opinion.

Hi Jen, thanks for the ladies perspective. I have been away for the weekend, W said she had a nice relaxing time (she needs time to study) in answer to my (joking) question.. she didnt miss me at all. She is taking some things I say too seriouly at the moment, I might say she looks tired, why doesnt she go to bed.. she takes this as an order, and sarcastically answers `thanks for the advice Dad`. Today I said something and she snapped back, but I told her I dont want to fight... we are on the same page now, I think S is a good idea too. So she calmed down a bit. I have told her that I will give her plenty of space and time to study for this test, but in the time we have together (in the evenings or whatever) I dont want to fight and she should try not to take everything I say with a negative spin as I dont want to fight, and I am not meaning anything in a negative way, so she said OK.
I told her that it might be nice to spend some time togehter sometimes still. She said that she will be busy studying so can I wait till after the test (about a month), so I said `deal`. I told her that I thought that she wanted to move out soon after her test, but she said she will need to save money first. (so has changed her tune from wanting to S as soon as possible- of course with these pregnancy mood swings I could have a different story tomorrow again!!!)

She called me darling again today (didnt point it out this time). Hope it means she is relaxing. Dont think she conciously said it, but recently she has been trying not to say it I think).

Gforce, thanks for the support. I am following your thead too, lets keep up the good work man!


I had one slip up that I called her on my drive down to see my friends. It was a long drive and I got bored, wanted to talk to someone, and force of habit I called her to see how the studying was going on. She wasnt happy, she was looking forward to a weekend without me and wanted me to give her some space during this time. We exchanged text meassages later to (kind of) apoloise about that conversation... she sent first to say that she was a bit upset and put her point accross wrong, that she had a headache too and wasnt in the best of moods.
Just been for dinner at my folks. Not looking forward to telling them (my mum and sister- dad already knows there is a chance of S) if this all goes wrong.
My Dad actually thinks S is a good thing for us at the moment, but of time apart. I think it could be good too, except my W has said that she cant see my family anymore if we S (so kind of puts a cog in those works). She will be too emabarrassed. My W has no family in this country, so feels a bit up against it sometimes (even before our problems). She has told her mum we might S, and her mum just told her that it is Ws fault as W has bad taste in men! I tried not to take that comment too personally! ha! Her mum really likes (liked) me.

Anyway I will keep posting (like my solution journal)

Cheers

Steve

OOPs.... back sliding!!

Had a R talk. Started out as talk about her work, she is going to tell her boss she is pregnant, and tell him that she is going to S, in the hope he will be nice an offer to keep her on the books. She then let me know (first time) her boss knows about her and OM. OM told boss to cover himself in case things went bad in any way. I then asked questions about OM and their R (mistake I know). She has feelings for him (more than me) I knew this, I also knew they still hug and kiss in work (she says not lovers kisses. I told her that this doesnt bother me the way it would have before. She says her eyes are pointing toward him at the moment and she feels I am trying to force her gaze back to me. Says she doesnt love me at all. Still feeling pressure because I hope to win her back.
She does see reason about the fact the OM may have seduced and used her, from his reactions.
She said she cant break contact with him. He will always be in her life. I told her that even if she leaves me, any future partner wont like her having a secret connection to another man). She admits that if she starts to get the things she needs from (me or future partner) then she might sever the connection to OM slowly.

Here is the killer... she said if I had not found out about the A, then she would still be with me in the M. She would have eventually severed connection to him out of guilt.
Because I went off the rails, she doesnt want to be with me. I feel this is a little unfair, as she even says she understands why i went crazy. I think 6 weeks of craziness is not bad for this situation. I know lots of things will seem unfair.
I asked her if she didnt want me to find out then why did she tell me she had feelings for another man ( before i found about about A by snooping). She said she hoped it would galvanise me to become the man she first met. She wanted me to be better. (This I take as positive). She didnt want me to be curious and find out she had an A.
(She was in the same sitch with a bf before she met me, he cheated on her and she tried to find evidence- so she see my point of view, just she doesnt like it)
There is still the fact that the OM doesnt want his W to know about this and cant `give my W what she wants` (he thinks she want a R with him, rightly or wrongly). So he may keep her as a bit on the side, but when my W evetually sees reason (without all these love chemicals popping in her brain), she wont settle for that. He also wants her to go back to me apparantly. I know I sound like a doormat saying these things, but I dont feel like one.
I know that having this conversation was wrong... but I learned a few things, and I take a few poitives away (I will just ignore the negatives).
She said the thing she wants is space (this will be a huge 180 for me, as she has said she doesnt believe I can do it, she kind of has a point). She also said same things as Jen, about just letting he be, with her feeling not asking if she is ok.

Funny thing is, she has bought me a valentines day card, I asked her why, and she said she was just being polite, she said she would probably write `love from` as it is just writing it doesnt matter what she writes. Is this a positive or is it just being really polite. lol.

My head is still in the right frame of mind to approach this, I am optimistic, because as she said herself tonight..... if we are meant to be togehter then we will be together, and if not then not! Cant put it better myself.

She also keeps saying about me finding someone else... is this part of DB if I go out on a date with another woman in the hope to make W jelous, or is that just a bad idea??

Patience Patience Patience....
Monday tomorrow.. new week new plan!

Cheers

Steve

Crap Crap Crap,

I hope that I can reverse this. If I stop my craziness (done), and give her space (trying), then hopefully things will improve.

I am younger than her, so she has a hard time trusting me. She wants a man she can follow, last year I wasnt that man, but now I believe I can be. I really hope I get the chance to prove it.

Am I better off not knowing if she still sees him? Should I be happy to be with her and my child, and turn a blind eye? Hope that she eventually stops contacting him?

This is it now. Not really LRT, but my 180 has to be like that.

Why do I have to make this difficult for myself???

Steve

Steve,

She's deep in the fog. Don't believe a word she says until there's not another man in the picture. You need to focus on you and be the best man you can be. Please research this and other sites for how to handle an active affair. In the whole it has to do with being the best you, ignoring the antics of the addict-like tendencies of your partner and doing the best you can for YOU.

You're right in the no relationship talks. Also, if you were just dating how much time would you give a person who has stated that they don't want to be in a dedicated relationship with you.

Think about your personal boundaries and what you accept and don't. You don't have to accept mistreatment and disrespect of this level. Be the best man you can be.

Good luck!

NH

P.s. Of course she wants to not have you around. She's guilty about cheating and on her "alone time" she gets to play. If you even SMS her it reminds her that what she's doing is wrong.

Just my 4cents.

NH