Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Confessions of a Supermom - JennyF's 4th thread

Jenny..{AKA.."Supermom" and/or "Soother Fairy"}

Well how did it go last night with the child? {and I don't mean your husband } Why did he have dinner with you but not have dinner WITH you?

- IC, who is still trying to get over the mental image of buttercream frosting and breast pumping

Good morning Jenny,
I right there with you on the hate part. I often tell myself I hate my H just so I can mask some of the pain. It doesn't work because I really love him. I'm glad to hear the your D's birthday was good. Sorry H flaked on dinner. You still sound really great considering the rough day you had yesterday. I wish I had an ounce of your strength and resolve.

The Soother Fairy did ok. D ended up in my bed at 6AM searching for the soo soos. She was holding one of the pillows, but was not impressed. She outright said she didn't want the pillows, but wanted the soo soos back. She was really cute, she laid in my bed and put her back to me. She kept wanting to snuggle, but then got upset and said leave me alone when I tried to hold her. She was really being brave about it, but you could tell she was upset.

So that could pretty much describe me right now, brave...but wearing my emotions on my face.
I'm having hard time when H comes to take S. I'm really really having a hard time letting him go, even though it is only for a few hours. I think the time away from him isn't bad...but I just feel so alone. And I didn't have children to spend this much time away from them, especially at such young ages.

I know that this hurt and resentment about the kids is showing all over my face. The second H shuts the door I burst into tears. Every time. I keep thinking that the next time I'll be ok and I won't cry, but it's there instantly.

So I've been thinking A LOT about B's post about forgiveness. I have not forgiven H for leaving me.
If he were to come back, I would forigve him. For the affair, for treating me bad through my pregnancy, for leaving me at 8 months pregnant, for putting our children through this...all of it. If he came back to me and tried.
But right now I can honestly say that it is going to be SO HARD to forgive him for not trying. That in itself is the reason the resentment, anger and hurt are SO built up inside me. And I know it's showing all over me.
I can't forgive him for doing this to our family and to our children. For taking my babies away from me almost 40% of the time.
I'm only being perfectly honest here because I know that isn't a good thing. And I know I need to get to this place if I am truly going to move on free of those burdens. But how do I do that? It just feels as though the world has accepted what he is doing and if I forgive him, than I've accepted it too.

Perhaps as time goes on I will work toward this. But I know that I can not force it...if I do I will leave things unresolved within me and if I bury things than it will just resurface eventually.
And I think it would be easier to work toward forgiveness if he didn't keep giving me things to forgive him for! He is moving things along so fast with no regard for my emotional or financial well-being. It is so unreasonable for him to forcing me to look at selling or buying him out of the house with a 3 month old baby and only 4 months post bomb. Why is he the ONLY person in the world who can't see how unreasonable this is???

What I want, is the chance to forgive him for all of those things. I don't want to have to forgive him for not trying...
does that make sense?

I pray that God gives him the strength to look within himself and see what is happening to him.
And I pray for the strength to let him go to do that.

Sorry I've been such a downer the last few posts. I've got to find my groove again.
J~

Jenny,

I see that you have already met my husband (IC)...Big hugs to you, not only for your struggles but for my husband posting to you {he means well...and just trys to bring a smile}

I'm going to read up on the story of Supermom but judging by what I have read so far, you really are a supermom and a wonderful person. I know you have probably heard this over and over, but you are so strong.

I'll try to keep IC in line but if you need to, smack him around a little...it's ok

- Miss IC

Miss IC...thanks for stopping by. IC has been wonderful...and he ALWAYS brings a smile!
I have to read up on your sitch. I'll try to look up your threads.

Thank you for saying that I am a wonderful person...that is so sweet of you.
I hope the strength I keep hearing I have pays off at some point!
J~

Hey Jenny, this must be the down period for us new and soon to be Moms. I read about Mom of 2 and wow. I'm worried to see what she has to tell. But, it sounds like she's okay right now. I know that you are struggling right now, too. I'm sorry. I'm sad for all of us that are here fighting for our marriages and feeling let down. I totally get what you are saying about the forgiving thing. One of my biggest things with H, also is the fact that he didn't even try. Our first baby, we worked soooo hard for her and he bails out on us. And, runs to the first woman that would take him in. And, instead of being a father to his own child, he pretends to be a father to hers. Keep praying, that's all I seem to know how to do. I keep thinking that if I do it enough with a lot of conviction, He will answer my prayers. The story about your D and the soother is really sweet. It makes me look forward to my baby girl. I'm sad that her Daddy won't be here to experience those things, too. I'm sad for her.

You know what blindsided, I'm learning to enjoy those things without feeling the other side of the loss.
I realized that today when I looked at my S. Every day in my prayers I thank God for them.
They are truly blessings and every moment I get with them is precious (even the ones where she's mad at me for calling in the soother fairy!).
J~

I'll spare you a bunch of details but basically IC and myself were in a SSM and very near divorce. He came on these boards back in Julyish (I showed up later)wanting to save our marriage and we've been working through things. We've had our ups and downs...he had a ONS back in April (told me in Dec.) He's now battling bone cancer in his leg. The leg recently broke and required surgery to remove the cancer and place a bone graft and plate in. He's home now and on the mend...very high spirited and it rubs off, so hopefully he can raise your spirits some.

Here is a link to some of our story...{it's got some drama but also some pretty good laughs to it...so if you're feeling down, it might bring a laugh or two}
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1219750&page=16#Post1219750

- Miss IC

Thanks Miss IC...I could use a few laughs!

I've had a rough couple days for some reason. Yesterday after H took S for a few hours, I broke down crying again (after he left). And I didn't stop. I cried myself to sleep and again when I woke up. I haven't cried like this in SO long. I am REALLY feeling sad about spending so much less time with my children. I definitely feel that I am doing what is right for THEM by allowing H to take them as much as he is...but it is killing me.
So I go to drop S off at MIL's (where H is staying...and has D for the weekend). I muster up my strength on the way there and say I am not going to cry.
I get there, and H tells D to come say hi to Mommy. She comes running up all happy wanting me to come in watch Happy Feet with her. Then she sits on my lap and hugs me and tells me she wants to come home. I say, not today sweetie, Mommy's going to see you tomorrow. This upset her and she kept saying she really wanted to come home. So suddenly I'm welling up, D looks at me and says, "Mommy, are you crying?" in the sweetest little sad voice I've ever heard. She asked me to sing her a song. Through tears and a shaky voice I hugged and bounced her and sang You Are My Sunshine with my back to H. Then I have her a huge squeeze and kiss and passed her off crying to H.
Then I ran out of the house into my car and lost it as I drove away.
Unfortunately it doesn't end there. I go straight to my parents. I feel as though I'm on the verge of completely losing and I don't want to go home alone. So I go to my Mom's and sure enough...I lose it. I mean screaming and crying and shaking like little kid throwing a tantrum. At one point I thought to myself, is this what a nervous breakdown feels like??
My parent's got me calmed down with lots of hugs and a couple 2X4's. At one point my Mom told my step dad to drive her over there so she could punch H's lights out. It was kind of cute actually.

After I calmed down I called H to see how D was. He said she was ok. I apolgized for getting upset. He said, yeah...what was that all about? (Duh) I said that I'm having a really hard time letting the kids go right now, but that it wasn't for him to worry about, I had to deal with it. He said take care and we hung up.

I came home and had a shower and H called to make the arrangements for me to pick S back up. He asked if I was ok (not sure why he asks this when he clearly doesn't care about the answer). I said I'm fine, but that I'm really upset about the kids especially S. He said, well do you want him to have less time with him (H). I said no, this is what is right for the kids. I said I could get into it (meaning this conversation with him), but it really doesn't matter. The point is that a 3 year old and a newborn shouldn't be spending this much time away from EITHER parent. I said it is killing me, but it really doesn't matter and I have to find a way to deal with it. He said, yep.

When I went to pick S up (with severely swollen eyes). He made small talk about how good S had been blah blah blah. (D was still sleeping so she didn't see me). For a split second he actually looked at me and I thought I saw a look of empathy in his eyes. But who knows.
S and I went back to my parent's and stayed for dinner. We had a nice day and evening.
I'm feeling a bit better than I was...now I'm just feeling silly for losing it. But I can feel this emotion building inside of me and I guess I just had to let it out.

So that is my story for the day. I think it was probably a backslide. The thing is that it isn't about letting H go right now...it's about my children. I feel I'm doing what is best for them...but how do I get over it?
H thinks I just need to keep myself busy...but he's not exactly put me in a fincancial position where I can do a whole lot of extra things.
And NOTHING I do to occupy my time will change the fact that a 3 year old should not be spending almost 40% of her time away from her mother! And a newborn shouldn't be spending 20 hours a week away!
I know the time is good for me, but it is too much. Children this small should have their families together. My God if they aren't worth making an effort for than what on earth is?
I'm starting to feel REALLY angry at H for what he is doing. I want to say to him, "If anyone every hurts our D even half as much as you've hurt me...please promise me you will hurt him badly". WHY can't he see what he is doing? HOW did this man turn into this heartless monster??
This comes back to the whole forgiveness thing...I am SO not there.
I'm rambling now. Any advice would be welcome.
Thanks for listening.
J~

((((Jenny)))))

I wish i some pearls of wisdom to say like you say to me in times like this, but i have nothing but hugs and more hugs for you.

It was ok to lose it today, You have been so amazing and strong, Maybe i am crazy but i think its good for us once in a while to have a really good cry. Don't look at it as a set back, I think sometimes our emotional barrels get filled to the top and we need to empty them, with crying. I have been crying less lately also, but feel my h is ready to drop some bomb soon, so I will be having a good cry session soon.

I think its good for the soul to have a good cry. Now tomorrow will be better, you got that out of your system. You will like you always do will focus on the positive.

Just remember when you feel down and doing some crying, put your arms around yourself, and give a squeeze, that a hug from me to you. Come her there are lots of hugs ears to listen.

bear