Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Help Me Act AS IF, Part 3

Oh, I am just feeling so horrendous today. It seems like when H & I got to MC we end up feeling relieved and we get along really well, joke, etc--but then it goes back to the same place, where he is distant and cold. He said on Wed at MC that he wanted to "try" for the next month, but so far he has done nothing differently. we never even talked about what trying means.

We had the slightly flirty email exchange I described but that's it. This morning I was in the shower as he was leaving and I told him to come in and say goodbye. I leaned out of the shower and kissed him and told him he looked handsome and he smiled, but then NC all day.

I try so hard to focus on me. I went out with my friend last night and I have had a ton of work lately--which is good but also hard to focus on and it's making me panic a bit. Today I spent a lot of time crying and not much time working.

Because my H does not have an OW and is still a totally devoted dad, it is extra-painful because it is simply and starkly ME that he doesn't want. Not that I want him to have an OW or be a bad dad, but the fact that he is still basically a decent guy makes it hard for me to chalk his rejection of me up to something larger--y'know? I just feel like I've failed as a wife and I wish I knew what I could have done differently. Right now, my future looks so bleak and lonely. I love my kids, of course, but it's not the same as having a husband. Do I throw out the many love letters from H? I don't know how to make sense of them at this point. I feel like I regret my entire R with him now. We were so in love for so long and even with our problems, we were friends and had fun through it.

I feel so utterly deserted and heartbroken. My friends keep telling me what a great couple we are and how we seemed to be so perfect for one another. None of my friends understand why he is doing this or why he is surprised that an 18-year R would lose its "in love" quality.

I also wonder if our MC is making it all worse. She seems to want to focus on the past, what went wrong when, how we got here, etc. My H is a decent enough guy that he might be willing to go to someone more present/future/solution-oriented, although he seems to be completely convinced that separating is the only answer.

Hi lmy-
I wish I could tell you whether or not to continue with the MC. Does your C believe your H is having a MLC? Do you know what your C's take on MLC is? My C tells me different things than what I learn here. I keep reading that MLC is just something that has to run it's course and there is nothing that can be done to shorten it. But my C used the analogy that if you had a broken bone, you would go to the doctor to fix it so that it heals properly.

So, which is it? Let me know if you figure it out.

<3
Upside

lmg, you know what I think about the MC, so I won't repeat it.

Not all men (or women probably) that go through a MLC screw around as part of it, so I wouldn't use that to dismiss the possibility for your H.

I think a lot of the time what people are calling MLC is depression, with perhaps a little of something else thrown in. What you've described of your Hs behaviour sounds like depression to me - lack of interest in sex is one of the symptoms.

You may be able to find a more solution-oriented therapist in your area - there's a section on the DB website, isn't there? I haven't looked, assuming it's all in the States, but since that's where you are, you may find someone that would be more helpful. It's a shame to waste the opportunity, since your H is willing to go.

Of course, H thinks the idea of an MLC is simplistic. He says he hasn't been happy in our M for several years and he likes me, but doesn't love me the right way. He was playing a role and now he has uncovered the true him. I don't know--it is so uncharacteristic of him to act like this, to say these things, that when I read about MLC, I think of course that's what it is.

But he is otherwise very responsible--no sports cars or affairs. He is still pretty much as devoted a dad as ever. He is struggling with being unemployed and he doesn't know what he wants to do next, job-wise.

I don't know what he is or isn't willing to do--that changes from week to week. I think he is plagued with guilt for what he is doing to me, but he feels he has no choice.

I read DR and stuff about MLC and it all seems so accurate and right, but then I step back and GAL and I start to yo-yo. I don't plead and sob, but I have spent time trying to get through to him about what sep and D really mean and telling him that I love him and don't want this to happen.

I simply don't know.

I am miserable. Just miserable. I completely blew all attempts at DBing. Last night I got into bed and H was reading and I just started crying and crying. He put his arms around me, but he didn't say a WORD. This went on for about 20 minutes. I didn't say anything, I just cried. I guess I felt particularly sad because, as I suspected, despite our flirty email exchange alluding to possible sex this weekend, he did nothing to make it happen.

How can he not say anything when I'm lying there sobbing?????

At 3 am I woke up and went and slept on the couch.

Then this morning we had to go to an event in our D6's class. We went food shopping afterward and on the way home (it was just me and H in the car), I said: "We've never gone this long without having sex, have we?"
H: "No."
Me: "What am I going to do? You keep going to the gym and getting hunkier. Maybe I could pay you as my gigolo."
H: "What would I charge?"
Me:"Depends on the services you'd offer, I guess."
H: "I guess that would depend on what the client wanted."

Then we got home and unpacked the groceries. I was hoping we'd go upstairs and have sex, but no. H started talking about what he was going to be doing that day and that he's meeting his father for dinner, and blah, blah, blah.

I know--I've been doing everything wrong. I just hate living in this crazy land where H & I walk on eggshells around each other. His absurd amount of emotional reserve drives me to do and say things I shouldn't to try and break the tension, or initiate a conversation.

So now I've just made everything worse and I want to crawl into a hole. My eyes are red and puffy from crying so much. I feel like I am unraveling. In my case, I don't think I will be able to really let go until H leaves--and that isn't happening anytime soon as far as I can tell.

lmg, I have spent a LOT of time time where you are and I know it's awful.

I believe that my inability to stop crying played a big part in the downturn in our relationship over the last year and when I got upset a few days ago, I could see the negative impact on my H and our R.

It totally sucks that your H isn't there for you. It's not fair. And it's just the way it is.

You feel too miserable to care much about how he's feeling. He's too miserable to give you what you need right now, too. Both of you will need to take care of yourselves, until you are stronger and have some extra energy to give to each other.

Find somewhere else to do your crying. You're not going to get what you need from your H, so you need a friend, a counsellor, whatever works for you. The main thing is to accept that it's not going to be your H, not now, not for some time. There's no way to know how long.

If you keep crying on him and expecting him to provide reassurance, you will push him further away. He can't deal with it right now, it brings up too many painful feelings.

Even the other things you've been doing - honey, you haven't actually been DBing, it's been a somewhat half-assed effort.

I KNOW it's hard. There are some things I think I'll be struggling with for years, whether I'm in this M or not. For now, we both have to continue to do that without our Hs help.

lmg,

You CAN do this. I know how hard this is, but you CAN do it!

You will be the strong one right now because he can't. Like Ingrid said, cry when he is not around. It puts pressure on him to give you something that he just can't right now.

I think the flirting is a good thing to do in your situation because it sounds like your H responds to it, but you have to do it with no expectations that it will lead to anything. Think of it as a way to let him know that you find him sexy and desirable and not as a way to get him to actually ML right now (something that you really want as a connection to him).

Have you read Jim Conway's "Men in Midlife Crisis" and Sally Conway's "Your Husband's Midlife Crisis"? I found them both to be really helpful in understanding what could be going on in a mlc-ers head and why it is happening.

(((hugs)))

LMG;


I can't tell you how good it is to hear these words from several others...Yep...I got almost the exact words from my H...that he's been living a lie for 10, 7, 5, now forever...he's not "in love" with me anymore.. wow...I'm learning the script word for word...how about, that sex was beginning to be a chore. Wow, we've ML 3x a week for years and then I get that..now I dont' believe anything he says..really..sometimes he catches me and I think everything he is saying is so true, cause how can he be so sure of himself and look at me and tell me the things he does..I think he just wants to make me mad enough at him that I'll say okay, we're done...

you have to read the book by Denise Jackson, It's all about HIm.
I read it in a day..same thing happened to her H..

My H left after almost 7 months of walking on egg shells..I have to say the tension is less but I miss him terribly.. He doesn't call me at all but does call the kids, not every day though..He's only seen them a few hours in two weeks. That hurts but I'm dealing..I do cry a lot but not in front of him any longer or my kids if I can help it.

I met someone over the weekend who this all just happened to..I guess God put her in my path to help me.. She said don't give up. and that she did it all wrong which lengthened everything. she pleaded, cried, etc. and of course it drives them further away..after she left him alone...he came home.. I'm praying for that..I have not called at all or emailed unless it was about the kids...a real 180 for me..

Anyway, I wanted you to know I feel your pain, and vent all you want, it does help..

I am going on retreat for 4 days and looking forward to handing it all back to God..

Take Care.
Treese

It's all very confusing--very, very confusing. I know everyone here is into the DB approach and as I've said before, lots of that makes sense to me. Yes, Ingrid, my attempts have been somewhat half-assed, I know. I am struggling. I have NOT cried in front of H for a very long time.

The thing is, I'm not certain my H even qualifies as MLC. He has ALWAYS been extremely reserved/cut off emotionally and extremely uncomfortable when I cried or displayed emotion. Still, he was loving and attentive and reassuring and he gave me a strong sense of security and being loved that is completely gone. As you put it, Ingrid, I feel like I have no skin. And when I did pull back (which I did in a big way, for me), it just made the tension worse and my H more remote.

Also, I have numerous friends who are psychotherapists who think it's really important for H to tell him my feelings, to let him see how much I am hurting and to face what he is doing.

The point is, whether I DB or do the opposite, my H's M.O. is the same--ie, absent. I have always been skeptical of adhering to any ONE way in life--whether it's religion or raising kids, or eating meat. So I often think the DB is making life harder for ME even--when it's supposed to be about making ME better.

I have to run, but wanted to say:

When I was really 'working the program' as they say, my H did get more remote at first, lots of sitting and staring. Ignoring him and just being pleasant anyway made it much easier to deal with - and I'm not at all good at letting things go.

Michele does say that her approach is contrary to those who recommend sharing all your feelings. I did that, for a long time, it it never made things better. For a while, my H did an admirable job of listening and being there for me, but I wasn't taking full responsibility for healing (no one can really do it for you), and after some time, he couldn't take it anymore. He gets irritated when I cry, he says, although he was very loving and accepting of those kinds of feelings in our early years.

There was a post on another thread somewhere from a woman who said that she didn't DB in the GAL sense, since she already had one - instead, her 180s involved behaviour that made her husband feel more cared for and brought them closer together - things like making special appetizers for him before dinner, watching football with him, laughing at his jokes. I've found similar, but different, things effective - you really have to figure out what works and doesn't work in your house!

I don't like journaling long hand, but I found it very helpful to take note of things in my posts - not that I've ever re-read them. Maybe writing things down, stuff you notice on a day to day basis, would help you.