Quiet night. I am learning to 'lovingly detach'. I am not toxic.
Thank you AmyC and Sara. It was good that we talked. It doesn't change her plans any. It does make me realize that I'm not toxic, and I don't want to act like I am.
I feel like I just went through a fun house to get here. I took a ride on the "please don't post on this thread, the link to my current thread is always at the bottom of the list." pathway. So now I am here. And I need a drink. A cosmo would be good right now.
I feel like I just went through a fun house to get here. I took a ride on the "please don't post on this thread, the link to my current thread is always at the bottom of the list." pathway. So now I am here. And I need a drink. A cosmo would be good right now.
The link at the bottom of all my posts labeled 'current thread' will always go to my newest one and save you a headache.
I am so glad you and your W talked Frank. I know it hurts like he$$ but at least you get what she is thinking from the 'horses mouth' as it were.
Lead me not...
Today I have resolved to be nice so I'm not gonna touch that horse's mouth" comment no matter HOW tempted I am!
Hmmm. Horses A...?
Well, I will tell you that she is very very detached when she speaks. Like we're discussing business and not the end of our marriage. No emotion. She believes this is 'best' for her and for me of course. The kids, well there's nothing to talk about regarding them. And she has someone coaching her since I know she'd never think of these divorce related things on her own.
Too bad, there are so many people who want to be 'helpful' but they only know her half of the story.
After hearing the 'I need to be loved back... You need to LET me love you...' I had the urge to DB and start being 'vulnerable' and open to her. Except that isn't a good idea because the 'her' who 'needs' these things is focused on finding them elsewhere and not on my feelings. So it would be devastating to allow her to wreak havoc on me in her present mindset.
So, I'm still detaching, but now learning to do it 'lovingly' which to me means to put away the hurt and anger and respond to her 'olive branches' with genuine kindness and love, like the real Frank would do for anyone he cares about.
I had pointed out to Jeff223 a few months ago several times when his XW had tried to be nice to him and he was still in his anger and rejected her outreach. If I don't learn from my own words to him then I'll just be bitter and angry for the next many months.
I can do this, the only thing that will be a 'deal breaker' is if she hooks up with someone. In our talk yesterday she said that her 'friendship with her 'textmessage' buddy was 'going in the wrong direction' and she realized she had to stop that from happening'. So, it seems like she may have gotten a moral compass wake up on that.
Still, she wants to no longer be 'a wife'. She believes we can never be healthy together. There's nothing I can do to change that belief. All I CAN do is be healthy.
I've been getting money slowly and working towards the eventual repair of my financials. W still doesn't believe I can do it of course. Luckily, I do.
And she has someone coaching her since I know she'd never think of these divorce related things on her own.
Frank,
The only time I cringe, is when you say or write things like this.
I know. Obviously. Clearly. Never (not that I recall you using that one)
I am not saying be naive, but those are 100% absolutes. No room for error about crap that No, isn't 100% knowable. Not when its speculation. Not without verification.
Someone else's motives, or plans, unless confided with you are seldom that cut and dry.
Those words as I have said before are in the 'superior' person's word arsenal.
They are also words, that if used, set you up to eat your own foot depending on how they are used.
After talking with you...I find myself actually using 'obviously'...which I try with usualy good success to steer clear from.
They are disdainful and patronizing words, are you disdainful or patronizing? Think about it, our speech is a reflection of ourself and how we think.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 02/08/0807:17 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Those words as I have said before are in the 'superior' person's word arsenal.
They are also words, that if used, set you up to eat your own foot depending on how they are used.
They are disdainful and patronizing words, are you disdainful or patronizing? Think about it, our speech is a reflection of ourself and how we think.
You make really good points. I don't think I am disdainful or patronizing but I can see that when I post things like this I am basically saying 'she can't think on her own'. Well, she can. And she can choose to get help to get divorced. I am going to be more aware of this when I am thinking about her actions. Thank you for pointing it out again.
I know we tell newcomers here that there is really very little that they can do to help a wandering spouse want to come home. Of course there are lots of things you can do to drive them further off.
I think peace is a powerful thing.
It seems to me that if a situation has any hope of successful reconciliation, establishing peace between the two estranged spouses is important.
It's not that we have to be all lovey-dovey and friendly like. I think it's just enough that WE finally get to the point where we are treating situations the way we NORMALLY would, not like the scorned and rejected spouse that we often feel like.
I'm not saying it is the golden key or anything (especially since that golden key doesn't really exist as we all know), it just seems to me that conflict, pressure, and tension between spouses, ESPECIALLY during this time, does nothing but drive them further apart.
Peace.
The ability to be who you are and react according to who you are.
Being willing to respond like you would have responded BEFORE the bomb.
These things are good for US, and in the end may just be a positive contribution towards the better relationship side with our estranged spouse.
Whether it's a reconciled relationship, or a new co-parenting relationship.
You sound pretty good Frank. I'm glad for you.
Blessings,
Bill
Last edited by Bworl; 02/08/0807:36 PM.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
A little while ago we were interacting in the kitchen and she made a few 'joking' comments with me, I joked back and we made eye contact. Seemed like a positive exchange.
A few minutes later she left to go grocery shopping and when I went into her office I saw that she had some notes on her desk from calling a Divorce Mediator / MFCC that was recommended by her friend. She had pricing and other information along with the number of one of those 'do it yourself' document places and also of a mortgage broker.
I let that information 'hurt' me a little but I also know we have no money ($2,500 retainer required) and nothing will happen right now. Plus, even if it DOES then I'm willing to accept that it's for the better because I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and do the real WORK it takes to heal ourselves and our family.
