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Thank you! My recent observation in the field has confirmed it.

When she's not really in the mood, my first reaction is to back off and wait, for fear that she'd get annoyed with me. And sometimes that's the right thing to do, depending on what's going on in her life. But then sometimes the best thing to do is come right out and say something like "it's been entirely too long, I'm starting to get sexually frustrated, and you and I both know you'll enjoy the hell out of it after about ten minutes." Of course I didn't do that until after I snapped at her (although I caught myself right away), but it still ended up working out. And she did feel closer to me afterwards, which was one of the things I was looking for and I'm glad you reminded me that it was likely to happen if I pushed a little.

Whining for it or demanding it, bad. Straightforwardly saying that you're starting to miss making love to her and that you'd really like to reconnect, good.

They did up her AD dosage, which I totally forgot about, and she said it is having an effect on her and making it take longer for her to get in the mood, but she's still "feeling me" as they say on TV.

(One of these days I'm going to drop another big novel on y'all. But not yet. It's still unfolding...)

Thanks, Lil. I think it's been a turning point for me, and it has come about because of my belief that having a good SL is good for me, too. Once I realized that, things started shifting.

I didn't expect it to happen, either. I believed that my LL was only QT and that if I was feeling loved through QT I then would be interested in loving cac in his way. But that is not how it's happened at all. And it really is very tit for tat now that I think about it.

Honestly, I don't think I'm getting all that much QT. I think I got a lot more straight-up QT before we had S4. We spent a lot of time together then, including about 1.5 - 2 hours a day commuting together. I had cac's ear that whole time. Now we have a lot less time together for potential QT activities. And yet, I am feeling loved anyway. The only thing that's really changed is how I see myself, cac and our R.

Dom (and others I think) have talked about Ws needing to make a choice to have sex with their Hs. I guess I did make that choice, but that alone didn't start these changes in motion. I also made a choice to try to fix our marriage. I made a choice to explore my sexuality. And I made a choice to love cac for who he is and not who I thought he was or who I thought he should be or even who he used to be (or who I thought he used to be).

People talk about wanting to get the spark back or wanting to get back what they had when they first got together or wanting to feel in love with their spouse like they used to feel. I'm not really interested in looking back. cac and I are different people now than we were 22 years ago. We're a lot more mature, we're parents now, and we've weathered many storms together. What I want and what I'm trying to do is to build a new future and a new R starting with who we are now. (Is that Schnarchian? I should try to read that book again.)

Thank you so much, Corri. Right back atcha too!

I have changed, but I'm still my own worst enemy, I know. cac did give me a nice big hug earlier, BTW. He has always been a great hugger. He used to hug me way back in college when we were just pals. Anyway, I know he is very appreciative of my efforts and I feel more loved now than I have in a long time.

No, he's not easy, and I wouldn't want him to be either. The interesting thing is that way back he *appeared* to be easy, meaning that he seemed very laid-back and "whatever" about everything. I have come to realize that he is a lot more complex and "deep" (great depth) than I used to think. I'm not the only giant onion that is being unpeeled layer by layer. And that is a good thing.

This whole ADD/IQ thing is huge for me. It actually should help me stop beating myself up. cac used to get really frustrated with me when I'd say I couldn't do something like train for an IT job as he did, for example. I feared doing something like that because of my struggles with remembering and learning. He always saw me as an intelligent woman and believed that I could do something if I tried, so he would lose patience with my negativity about myself. But at the time, I didn't understand that his attitude was a testament to how positively he viewed me. I thought he didn't understand me, that he didn't empathize with my situation, and that made me feel even worse. Now I am starting to see myself as cac's intellectual equal, something that I never thought I was, which made me feel inferior and defensive.

When I was leaving the C's office the other day I told her that I felt stronger, and I do. I have been posting and haven't been second-guessing myself like I was before. I feel less afraid to reveal myself here and that's a big change for me. I feel like I'm not only owning my sexuality, I'm owning ME. I've spent most of my life hiding myself from all but those closest to me and now I'm starting to come out of my shell and it feels good!

Now, you need to stop saying that you don't come across as kind. I think you do. You care about the members of this community and it shows in all your posts. We're lucky to have you.

Whining for it or demanding it, bad. Straightforwardly saying that you're starting to miss making love to her and that you'd really like to reconnect, good.

Yep, that's it.

I didn't realize (or I forgot) that she is on ADs. When I was on them my attitude about sex was different because they quieted the anxiety I had about things in general. The reasons I couldn't have sex suddenly seemed not as important, so I *felt* more interested in sex because of that, but the difference apparently was not discernable to cac. He doesn't recall our SL being any different then than at any other time and I honestly don't recall how it was. I just know how I felt, and that was more relaxed and not as anxious. So, maybe for a woman, ADs don't have to mean the end of a good SL if the R was in good shape before, or at least if the couple was working on it, like you were.

Hey, what's the latest on finding your bio mom/relatives? Is that what's unfolding?

I wish. Not a peep. The investigator herself has been in and out of the hospital and hasn't been very available to help track down my brother and sister. I know my brother's name, but unfortunately it's a very common name which makes him harder to find.

mrscac - I give you so much credit. I think you are amazing.

There are days where I just want to give up and tell my H to just go ahead and D me as I'll never be able to give him the SL he wants. Then, I think about things you've said and things I've read and I think...wait a minute. This is something I'm entitled to enjoy too!

Something you said a while back about your dad made me think about my past history - brothers and boyfriends. I think that if I can build my self esteem about my body image it may help. I think I often became physical in relationships before I was ready because I knew that's what the guy wanted. Oh, sometimes I remember wanting it physically but not being ready mentally, and then when it happened it was often a let down.

My self esteem is relatively high except for body image. I'm sure that can affect my desire too. My H made a couple of nasty remarks about my weight postbaby (during one of his high frustration/anger periods). He did apologize later, but it lingers...you know. (GUYS - NEVER CRITICIZE A WOMAN'S BODY!!!). Yesterday I was at the gym and in the locker room, I realized I wasn't doing so bad for someone in their mid-40s with a kid.

So, I guess I just continue to take things one day at a time. What else can I do? If DD wasn't in the picture, we'd probably both have bailed by now. But I don't know for sure.

Anyway, didn't mean to blather on. Just wanted to let you know I'm encouraged by your path.

When you made that statement, it made me think that is how my H still sees me. Even when I was at my sexual peak and was wanting him to ML to me, he stopped cold turkey without a word. I wondered if it was just that he had blamed me for so many years of be a LDW that is became "easy" and he didn't feel there were any expectations of him? It was also around the time he began to have some ED problems, so if he still blamed me for be LD, then there would be no pressure on him to perform. Hummmmm.

Well, I think I know how you feel, it that helps any at all. I know women are complicated to men, but sometimes we feel like we just can't win either!

If you leave this board, you might try the Marriage Builders board. I'll miss you if you go, b/c I always kind of felt like I had you in my corner.

Good luck to ya.

Sandi

mrs.cac4:

I can safely say that in 20 years of marriage I have NEVER had make-up sex. My wife would never understand that connection. She can not communicate physically with me.

mrs cac - I miss your wisdom, and Corri's and Lil's and so many others. I've gone back to reading old posts - have mixed feelings about posting myself, but when I read this paragraph it made me want to "talk" with you more. Some of my posts have disappeared too! Rather strange since I'm so new and thought they were rather innocuous.

Anyway, I feel that my H and I do not communicate enough and it is worse since D3. As you know, I have so many downers happening in my life at the moment. My rocky M does not make me feel any better about things...definitely not myself. Wish I could find out how you got to where you are. You are in a good place now. I read recently that women like "us" (forgive me for lumping us together since you are doing far better than me) are not LD but are normal, yet society has put this LD label on us. Kudos to you for shaking off the label.

miss you

LS,

I know what you mean about having mixed feelings posting. I often wasn't sure about it, as one who had had LD.

You've got a lot going on, so don't be too hard on yourself. You showed up here to work on your marriage! It takes time. It's taken me awhile to get here, and I'm still working on it.

Email me anytime at frostiana at live dot com.