So last night (Monday) S spiked a 103.7 fever in the middle of the night, after going up to 105 and back all day. I cared for S (he was vomiting, too) while H called the children's hospital.
Got S back to bed. H said the hospital said if he couldn't keep his antibiotics and Tylenol/motrin down, he would have to come in for a shot of antibiotics. Also said he would need to come in if fever got to 105 again. Then said he'd need IV fluids if he continued to vomit, run high fever, and refuse to eat/drink. They also told H that if S waited 15 minutes to vomit after taking medication, it would be 80% absorbed, so we needn't worry.
What did H get out of all of this information?
"I just don't understand why YOU (me) didn't know about the 15 min. thing with throwing up. Why haven't YOU been on the phone with Children's Mercy?"
I pointed out that I had been on the phone with St. Luke's Hospital ask-a-nurse line, on the phone w/our pediatrician, AND had S at the pediatrician all in that one day. That none mentioned the 15-minute thing. He responded that HE would just have to go lay down w/S and watch over him the rest of the night. Implying that I was incapable?
I had some words w/him in which he pointed out that I should be in our S's room with him instead of arguing with H. Like suddenly he is the model citizen??
This is so representative of our relationship. My #1 complaint, above the Affair and anything else, is that we are not a team. I have always wanted it to be the two of us against the world (in theory at least), that when we face a problem we face it together. I have told him that I imagine a good marriage as one where you are (figuratively) hand-in-hand moving in the same direction, facing life together. Instead, whenever a crisis hits (this goes back at least 9 yrs of our 10 yr marriage), H seems to find a way to make the situation my fault or at least find something I did wrong in dealing with the situation, and to focus on that. When S was in the hospital both times w/dehydration as a baby, H would ask me if I was giving him enough to eat/drink, like it was my fault.
When the pilot light went out on the furnace last month and it was snowing outside and 52* in our house, I had to call H on his fun cattle trip to Denver so he could tell me how to re-light the pilot (ours is a 30 yr old combination wood/propane burning furnace so nothing is straight forward). He just kept pointing out that in all the time we lived here, the pilot had NEVER gone out until I was the one responsible for putting the logs in the furnace. So it was my fault our house was 52*??
Anyway I am going on and on but this is my bottom line point. He says he wants to try, he wants our marriage to work. But he is making absolutely NO progress on the thing that bothers me most, us coming together as a team. I could go off on him about BUYING that stupid hay trailer without telling me, about continuing to bowl w/OW, about having the A in the first place etc. But I don't. And yet he can yell at me b/c I didn't find out some random fact re. my son's vomiting/dehydration? At 3 in the morning? How long do you let them take to try to make amends? To reach out and help make the marriage work instead of me doing all the work?? Frustrated..............
So could I BE more of a crab-a$$? I re-read my posts and I sound pretty darn negative. I am waffling now, should I just ignore H until I get what I want from him?
Or should I go back to DB-ing? Trying to be upbeat and positive, show him I have a life with our without him? Let him know that I enjoy his company and like to be with him?
Except, right now I DON'T like being with him. B/C he finds a way to blame me for the crap in our life.
So just put on a happy face and hope that it becomes how I really feel again???
Gotta go, poor S is back to 103 fever. Grrr........... Wonder why I don't feel happy and upbeat w my son hours from getting his butt put in the hospital for dehydration...
Does your H know about your feelings of him blaming you a lot? Tell him your feelings. Dont defend your feelings - just let him know that is what they are. He needs to listen and not argue with you. If he starts arguing, dont argue back. No one wins in an argument.
I am sorry to hear how your S is feeling. One trick my kids doctor told me was to give them a popsicle when they get a high fever and are dehydrated.
If possible I'd try to let your current situation pass before making a decision on how to approach your H. I agree with Kerry, but take a deep breath and get some rest before you set your sites on a plan. You are under too much stress right now to do it in a constructive positive way. At least I know I would be. When I get tired and stressed I've learned to keep my mouth shut, because nothing good can come from it.
Thanks guys! Had a minor event in phone call with H around one-thirty. I called him to see when he needed me to pick him up from loading hay. He has to attach the trailer to the truck b4 loading it, so then he can't drive the truck around w/hay on it. Can't take the hay to IA until Friday. So anyway yesterday he said he was loading hay today/tonight (non-specific on time just day) and I said I'd come pick him up and bring him home to get his other truck to use the rest of the week. He said ok. Mentioned it again this morning, something like "Call me when you need picked up." H said OK again.
So I realized I have one sickie at home and one kiddo at daycare so I need a heads-up on when to pick him up. That way I am not busy picking up D21 mos. from school, or having S in middle of a nap when I am needed to pick up H. So I called H and asked for an estimated hay-loading time. He said he already did it over lunch and had a guy friend of ours pick him back up. Got into a little crab session on my part. Pointed out that we agreed I would help and that were it not for my asking, he would have let me go on waiting all day/evening waiting to pick him up. It wasn't that I cared if a friend helped, it was the idea that he forgot he accepted my offer of help and had no intention of telling me the job was already done. No need to elaborate, all of you are familiar with the minor arguments/misunderstandings we all have.
It then got around (thanks to me)to the general statement of how this feeds in to our BIG ISSUE--not being a team on the same page. Reminded H of how he has said he wants us together and better than we were before, but he doesn't want all of this (current) tension. I said that things like this are what lead to the tension. I said things like him getting angry last night about a tip he got from the hospital nurse lead to the tension, etc.......... He wholeheartedly agreed. I said that, as our MC pointed out, he needs to try to determine WHY he allows inconsequential things to get him so angry/lead to tension. He agreed.
H called again 5 min. ago. I filled him in on S (fever down to 99.5 hooray), and talked in a very calm, matter-of-fact way. I have decided that I will do nothing at this point. No H wants to live w/a wife who points out his every flaw and mistake. I have told him ad nauseum the things I need to have different in our R. He agrees with what I have said about these changes that need to happen. Just says he doesn't know how to make them happen.
So I intend to sit back for a while and see if he can figure out how to make them happen. At this point I have been a Tasmanian Devil running around "fixing" things that are wrong in my life (getting a job, being more involved at church, having my own interests apart from H, going to counseling, etc). I came to the conclusion today that I have done all I know to do to fix our H from my end. It is now up to H to see what H can do/is willing to do to fix things from his end. He actually agreed. So now I just need to leave him alone to try and make something happen for himself. He can put all sorts of energy into finding a new job, bowling, moving hay all over two states, so he CAN put that energy into us if he wants to. I have not just dropped the rope at this point (like, just now ) . I have coiled up my end and tossed it over to him. Don't know what he'll do with it next...........
Good plan. Just make sure you don't pick the rope back up and pull on it for quite a while. It might get all tangled up. Enough of the analogy.
You said it best. No one likes to have their mistakes, faults, issues, whatever pointed out to them. It's human nature to be defensive and put up a wall to protect oneself. Give him a chance to take down the wall.
) . I have coiled up my end and tossed it over to him. Don't know what he'll do with it next...........