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hb,

If your mom is no support (mine would've done this "kick him to the curb" thing), don't call her to talk about it. Do you have anyone else you can call for support?

What else could you do that would maybe take your mind off of this stuff some? Something that actually is fun.

well H left the state with out telling the kids where he was.

then on top of that he took OW with him to deal with telling his sister she is dying.

I know we are separated but not legally.. and we are still married.
So I was going to be nice this week and not keep the L appt and work on the settlement.
But since he took her he bought himself a bigger alimony and for a longer time.

I am so over all of this right now. tired of being in this state of not being able to have my life and move on.

I love him but not the person he is right now for what parent leaves and doesn't tell his kids he is out of town. This has gone on over and over for months. He went to Europe with her and did not tell them where he was or that he was even going or when he was coming back

How can I still love someone who lies all the time.
It is like he betrays me over and over and I take it.

just can't take the pain anymore. The fact that his sister is sick is one thing but that he could not call me and tell me. could not talk to me but to his d and then cried hysterically on the phone with her. That is just not right.

torn right now... I can no longer take the emotional abuse of him being with her and taking her to his family and them now knowing the truth.

I want to be a whole person again not one who is partially here and partially still waiting for him. I can get a life but for me to do that I have to totally let go of him and be over it all for the pain is just too much right now.

HB,

I am so sorry you are feeling so down. There is a lot going on, and it is not at all easy to get through it, but you will.

I haven't read your entire thread, so I don't know the whole story, but this struck me.



I am assuming that "his D" is also your D. But either way, she is his D and he loves her and has every right to talk to her. I understand that it is hurtful, my STBX will talk to my Ds and tell them he doesn't want to talk to me. It hurts, no way around it. But he needs to keep a connection to her, for her sake. You don't want your D to feel any more abandonded than she already does.

I know you feel abandoned too. All of us do. But the kids, the kids regardless of age don't need to be. Some MLCers will ignore their kids, some will not. But you are only going to hurt YOUR relationship with your D by being jealous of her connection with her dad. And in turn that is not going to help you save your M.

You are very hurt, and I am very sorry for that. Really. But don't let it take over your whole life. Don't let it taint everything. Find something that makes you feel better about YOU and focus on that. Let your H be. He is going to do what he wants anyway, you can't change that. You can only change you and the way you live your life.

I wish you much peace.

Love,
Shades

I need something positive to happen today. So far it is all so negative and I am trying not to let it get me down and destroy my day.

the fact that OW is most likely with him did throw me into a tailspin. I never thought he would stoop that low.
then my mom ... Oh gosh.. when they made mothers she got in the wrong line. There is no compassion in her.. she needed a recipe today... Sure.. and of course she has to ask.. did H call? I said no and if he does I don't have anything to say to him he can leave a msg. She got mad... so well what else is new.

she had the nerve the other night to tell me that if I had just told him I was sorry he would have come back.??? this woman is insane and blaming me? oh life is not fair at times.

so I did see that SIL was on Aim today so I sent her a brief note told her I was thinking of her and keeping her in my prayer. A little while later she responded with... just... thank you
nothing else.

I felt like what have I got to lose...

just like with not talking to him now I have nothing to lose.
He shut me out and did not include me in a major event so I don't have time for him or any news about the kids and he is not going to know a thing going on here.

time to play hardball again. I got too soft again and kept him in the loop with the kids stupid me... I need to stop doing that.

Can I go no contact with out telling him... just like he does to me?

He went to Europe for 10 days in Oct. and no one knew he was gone. he told s he was taking time off needed to relax and have fun. It was a wk or so later that he gave s a bag with toiletries when he was leaving on a trip. i looked inside and there was soap and razor and shampoo.... from a hotel in Rome.
they had lost his luggage and gave him this bag of stuff.

I was fit to be tied. For this was during his wks of no communication period.

so.. do I talk to him or do I ignore him if he calls?
this is what I am asking myself today.

I will not txt or email that is for sure.

Going to the garden center to look around and think about what I want to plant this yr. Time to redo the front shrubs they are old and nasty looking and I have tried to prune and shape but they just are not going to do it. Will move them to the back and put in new ones under the window. Time for change. Lots of change.
going to redo the screen porch as soon as the weather warms.

sorry I am so down but there is no one around this week to talk to. One of my good friends got remarried and well the honeymoon has not ended yet and it has been 3 months... life can be good again.

HB2 H didn't take you with him for 3 reasons IMHO:

1) If he took you he would automatically assume that would mean taking the kids as well. This brings more financial burden and takes them into a situation that no parent wants to expose their children to.

2) In his brain you are not currently in his world. OW is. That is a hard fact but fact it is. However do you really want to be in his current world? I suspect not.

3) Taking you would bring back memories of times you have been there together in the past. Better times both for you as a couple and also for his poor sister. It's a known fact on these BB that MLCers cannot handle memories.

You may not realise it but you are exhibiting pursuing behaviours. STOP them RIGHT NOW you know it doesn't get you anywhere.

Sorry to be brutal but sometimes that is what we need to see the wood before the trees.

ACJ

I didn't even imagine going with him ....
never even crossed my mind.

I just felt that he should have had the decency to call me
and tell me what was going on and that he was going.

my kids are 18 and 21 and would not have gone if he asked them to most likely for they don't like this aunt she has never really acknowledged that they exist ever.

This is just the icing on the cake.. for she is playing the role of his wife and we are not even close to being D yet.

I decided today I will not call him or txt him or email him and if he contacts me I am going to ignore him for a while.
It is time for him to feel what it is like when no one talks to him.

Time for him to wonder..

I was also told today that my L can request the video tapes from Hooters for the night that we know the 2 of them were there with guys from work.. that was is amazing.. short leash he is wearing she was the only woman to go.

I am upset iwth him and the fact that his L wrote a settlement that got him out of paying the kids health ins. and many other things.
Totally unacceptable and he thinks I am going to agree to it.
Well he found out I am not and his L did too.
SO now we have to renegotiate somethings and he is going to find out just how strong I am and how much I can endure. I will not back down at all and he will pay and she will have him poor. Just like I did when we got married and he was in medschool and I supported him. He seems to have forgotten those days.

yes I am upset but right now I feel it is the only way I can keep the pain from consuming me.

sorry

ACJ

I didn't even imagine going with him ....
never even crossed my mind.

I just felt that he should have had the decency to call me
and tell me what was going on and that he was going.

my kids are 18 and 21 and would not have gone if he asked them to most likely for they don't like this aunt she has never really acknowledged that they exist ever.

This is just the icing on the cake.. for she is playing the role of his wife and we are not even close to being D yet.

I decided today I will not call him or txt him or email him and if he contacts me I am going to ignore him for a while.
It is time for him to feel what it is like when no one talks to him.

Time for him to wonder..

I was also told today that my L can request the video tapes from Hooters for the night that we know the 2 of them were there with guys from work.. that was is amazing.. short leash he is wearing she was the only woman to go.

I am upset iwth him and the fact that his L wrote a settlement that got him out of paying the kids health ins. and many other things.
Totally unacceptable and he thinks I am going to agree to it.
Well he found out I am not and his L did too.
SO now we have to renegotiate somethings and he is going to find out just how strong I am and how much I can endure. I will not back down at all and he will pay and she will have him poor. Just like I did when we got married and he was in medschool and I supported him. He seems to have forgotten those days.

yes I am upset but right now I feel it is the only way I can keep the pain from consuming me.

sorry

I know all about that. My H and I are nowhere near D yet either BUT he has been engaged for nearly 2yrs to OW and they live together as man and wife.

Your recent posts come across as VERY bitter. This is understandable but for YOU I think you have to let it go if you can. 'A New Tommorrow' spoke once of when she let go of her anger is when her H started to come back around.

Yes you do need to detach but you need to do it for you NOT to make him feel the same pain as you do when he doesn't contact you. It will not happen in this way. Scenarios that we play out in our minds are just that they are not reality.

Take some time out for yourself. It took me so long to understand the value of this. I wish I could've grapsed that principle earlier. I'm not saying I am 100% happy with my life but I am learning to make it a more positive one than previously.

The OW is not really the issue. We make them the issue b/c we are in so much pain. Do not give her a second thought, she is not worth wasting your breath on. Focus instead on building your R with your daughter. That will bring you much more joy.

I am just not sure what is up with H right now.
If he wants this D he sure is not making it happen.

my L called asking me if I got the ins. papers and the ret. acct papers. Well NO>>>>>>>

so.. I called H last night and told him the L called and can't continue until he gets the paperwork that was requested. Left a msg on his vm

well he has yet to respond with paperwork or a call or a txt or an email. So I had to call the L and tell him....
H's sister was diagnosed with CA and H was out of town and I have not heard from him.
Left a vm for L and the L did not call back.

so...... H's sister has gallbladder Ca stage 4 which is the worse you can have and there is no cure.
She was suppose to come this weekend and for some reason she is not? d told me this morning that H called her for no reason and told her this and then asked about the new puppy.

now why is he interested in the puppy? he has never like MY dogs.

I was fit to be tied yesterday for I found out from the wife of H's good friend that H went to Italy with ow and travels with her all the time. I mentioned that I thought he took her to his sisters and introduced her to his entire family. She told her H this and his response was... wouldn't surprise me. my friend is totally against men who cheat so she has let her H know that she supports me in financially ruining him if we D. He did not disagree with her.

so I have not seen him or talked to him since Jan 20th and I have no desire to call him. If he calls I will let him leave a msg. and if I feel I can talk to him then I will call him back.

part of me keeps giving in and feeling as though I can forgive him yet then I get this hit of reality and realize that he doesn't give a crap about me.

He is making it obvious that he has no intentions this time of coming back. He took himself off the car ins. last week and did not tell me.

He flew his sister down this weekend and got upset with d when she did not want to hang out with them on Sat. She was going to homecoming and well.... he didn't tell her the plans until Fri.
She had an accident on Fri night and did not call me she called
her father... the hero... then came home 5 hrs later and said..

"i had an accident" now wait... you didn't call me? I was fit to be tied. So she called daddy and told him... "see I told you se would be mad"
I give up no matter what I do or say it is not right for that child. Daddy is the hero all the time.

I told him that I did not need his help with dealing with the ins. comp. and he got mad that I was making a claim. Well yes it is a lot of damage and the other person left the scene and .... oh wait... He called the person who hit her and told her he would pay for the damage.
THE MAN IS INSANE

he showed up on Sat. with his sister and then told me to say hello to her.
No hello no nothing... walked up to me and told me to say hello.
Like as if I wouldn't?

he has lost it totally. New jacket not his usual style so he is back in replay big time I think.

He refuses to deal with the paperwork for the cobra ins.
so I am having my L rewrite the settlement and increase the alimony to cover it and I will pay the policy.
His work will let him take it out pretax but I do not want him doing it. I want it all my doing and he has no part of it.

The whole process of changing car titles and bills and the cell phone and cable is time consuming and emotionally draining.
The cell and cable won't change it without him going in person with me.

I keep telling myself I will be just fine and that right now until I get on my feet again I only need his money.
he is useless to me for his in not there emotionally for himself or his kids.

It is warm here today and I have a trailor load of bricks to unload and plants to dig.

just need something positive to happen in my life right now.
the negative and bad seems to be taking over.