Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Wife's MLC???

I did the same thing last Friday on the phone. I was trying to listen, but couldn't resist and turned it from her anger to my issues.

This was a mistake because I wasn't LISTENING to what she was saying, but instead trying to defend my position and get her to "see the light."

Hang in there. Old habits die hard and we have to work very dilligently to re-wire our brains to change our patterns. Consistency and actions are what is needed.

Be confident, work on your life, do your best to ALWAYS be upbea and stay away from the R and M discussions.

Be strong. This is only one of many slip ups you'll have on the way. Take them in stride, learn to stop them as quickly as you can and shift gears back to DBing. They aren't deal breakers, but learning experiences.

Go for it and be patient. You can do it. You will be successful if you keep at it.

RTL

I'm so glad you replied to my post. You did bring out more things this time around that does sound to me like your W could very well be in a MLC.......plus with the help of that great counselor, she is convinced that you are the cause of all her problems! That is so awful that the C would suggest a sepration when there has been no abuse, but as I said before, I've heard of this happening.

I think you have a good insight to what is happening. Since the two of you have a D.....that means there is still a connection there that will always bind the two of you. Even if your W does not want to talk to you or see you, there will be times that it will be necessary.......that is good for you b/c you can use that as an opportunity to allow her to see the positive changes in you. It is great that you like to joke and have an out-going personality. It is much harder on the guys that are so serious b/c they don't know how to get around that and stay away from the R talks and showing how "down" they are. But, don't worry about her thinking that it means a separation was "good"......it works the other way....trust me. It is when she sees the "bad" side of you that she will think the S was for the best. However, when she sees the man she fell in love with....it is going to tug at her heart like you wouldn't believe! That is when she will start to question her decision to leave.

I know how hard it must be b/c I am turned much like you describe yourself and I know that I would want to talk R every chance I got. I was always that way in the first years of my M and my H never would talk! Anyway, since I have sort of been on the other side of the fense now, I can see where your W is coming from. So, do like the DB book says. Some of us on here may disagree with each other from time to time, but I think we all agree with Michelle and her advice in the book. It has been tried and proven above what other methods claim. No, all R do not make it back. Yes, some do divorce. But, they would have with other methods also and even if they divorce, it doesn't mean it's over.....unless she gets married to another man. So, don't give up. And when you want to explode.....and you will.....come here to us and vent to us. That is why we are here, to encourage and to listen. Then you will be better prepared when you see or talk to her the next time.

Take care of yourself....that is very important.

My situation is not quite the same, but I know how you feel. My marriage is in its 5th year. Things started south sometime last year and then crashed and burned fast when I found evidence of internet emails indicating something was going on between my wife and some guy halfway around the world. I let it lay for about 12 hours before I lost my emotions. I did not fully admit to what I found when looking for answers to the questions about what was causing us to drift so far so fast. It happened in the middle of the night, I was not loud but knew I was going to be heard. She listened to all the horrible words I said and stayed quiet in our bed. Later that day she admitted hearing it all. By that time I was truly ashamed of words I thought would never leave my mouth to be heeard. That occured on Oct 29th, a week after I returned from a business trip, she told me we are officially separated. Like you I thought I was a good husband and father to her 2 children, wanted nothing more than to spend time with her and the kids. We cannot afford to move out apart, so she is living upstairs in our bonus room with the kids and I downstairs. Its killing me inside, cause everytime I have tried to get to talk about things, she pulls further away.

I am still truly scared of loosing her, but know there is still hope, however slim it might be. She is the love of my life and this is the hardest trial/truibulation I have ever been through.

Since Dec, I have read half a dozen books, all of them good including divorce rememdy, cause my wife has questioned if I wanted a Divorce at me 2. In either case, the divorce remedy like some advice I was given by a friend who went through the very same thing last year was to back off, hard to do in my living situation. I continue to try and focus on myself and being a father to the children she brought into my life with her. I let her focus on her and continue to hope that my changes will eventually pay off.

Don't know if this helps....but I feel your pain.

Thanks Sandi2, I really appreciate your input. There have been a couple of times that I felt like exploding but I am learning to control myself. Yea her counselor is a dandy, I met her once and had that cold feeling in the pit of my stomach guess it's best to listen to those feelings.

I screwed up a little bit yesterday morning but I called her back for some other reason and apologized to her for bringing this stuff up and told her that I didn't want to put any pressure on her.. She said she appreciated that.. So a little at a time, we still talk to each other and haven't been fighting so that is something..

SeperatedinTPA, sorry you have to be here brother.. My heart goes out to you. I am reading the divorce remedy right now and it gives me some hope and some great insight. I have moved out and it makes things more difficult, think of your situation as a blessing since she is still in the house, however difficult that may be. Try to show your W the positive changes in you. Remember little steps, like it says in the book. Just do small things and be patient..

And come on here and vent like heck when you want..

Living in the same house or living seperately is just grass on the other side of the fence Fyre. It is not greener, it is just different.

Yea that makes sense Jack, maybe being out is a little easier, in that you are not subjected to their insanity 24-7...

I have to pat myself on the back, W called and needed to borrow my 4-wheel drive so she could take D home and see her grandmother (snowing like a mother around here). I was positive, upbeat, and when W started in on the "I am doing okay, it's just that". I changed the subject and discussed something else..

Little step but nonetheless it was a step..

Hey, I'm proud of you! I bet that surprised her when you changed the subject to show her you did not want to talk abour the R! What a 180!

Thanks sandi, I felt so good about that. And she did seem a little taken aback that I went in another direction.

Tough weekend, this was my first full weekend seperated from W.

She comes by sat night and we talk, she tells me she has been talking with another man, nothing is going on but they are just talking and she wanted to let me know. I didn't handle it well, set back # 475 and counting..

We talked again on Sunday, she called.. I dropped off my dog before going to a Superbowl party, we talked some more, actually had a good talk on Sunday. But she is driving me nuts with the revisionist history of our marriage. I had to hear about how romantic her friends husband is towards his wife, which is complete BS because I know them both and they have their problems also. And why we never did anything romantic or fun..

Woke up this morning just plain lonely and tired. This life really sucks right now. Think I am going to call and go see a counselor and see what they can do to help..

Counselor is a very good idea.

Revisionist history, a yup.

Talking with another man, and letting you know...
Fyre, the number of MLCers who have affairs is pretty high.
That is something you are going to have to determine if you can handle.