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H just IM'd me to ask if he could take S tonight for a few hours. He has D tonight for an overnight and he wants to take him as well.
I know I have to do this. It is good for both S & D....it's me that is having a REALLY hard time letting go.

I don't have a pumped bottle for him, I have a couple in the freezer but they won't thaw in time. So H would have to give him formula. Now I'm not opposed to the formula, but it just feels like it's making it too convenient for H.

I think my aprehension is twofold...
1) I am so emotionally wrapped up right now that it is hard for me to let S go...especially to H because I hate that he gets to have him when he doesn't deserve him. I know I have to detach from H, but it is really hard to detach from my kids this way. Not to mention how unfair it is to them.
2) It makes it real. That our lives are now separate and that it's either him and the kids...or me and the kids. And when they're gone I'm alone. It makes it real.

I know I have to be ok with being alone, finding myself and all that stuff...but I am really having a very hard time with this.

I haven't replied to his IM yet...I am going to call him, but not right away. I hate dealing with things like this electronically.

I hate this. I hate that I hate this. I hate that I am having such a hard time accepting this reality that it is actually holding me back and I know it!

The good news is that as I was typing this my counsellor called and I made an appmt for next week.
J~

Hi Jenny,Brit, peace...

My H is gone 2,5 months now. Yesterday and today I was feeling a bit low although nothing bad happened. On the contrary, it seems that after unconciously practicing DB for the last 1,2 month there have been some positive things happening at the moment.

The reason I was feeling down, I think, was because I come to accept the fact that I do not need him as I thought I did. And if at some point I give up, then what?

I didn't get to see him much when he was here. He is a journalist and works till late at night and I work office hours. My routine didn't change much. He is not an upbeat person, everything was planned by me. But still... It's not the activities I think we miss, it's the feeling of belonging... knowing they were there. For them I believe, it's the most obvious thing they could change, no soul searching, no wondering. But they do see in the end what the truth is. For some (of them-not us) it will be too late.

Take care, hope you don't mind me intruding like this,

Kalni

Jenny, if you aren't feeling comfortable with such SHORT notice, just tell him that you haven't had time to pump and could you make it another night? I don't think that is unreasonable. Do you two have a set schedule, yet? If not, then do what you are comfortable with. And, I understand the electronic conversations and the hatred of them. I too, hate them. I think it's absolutely ridiculous. I am really trying to muster up enough strength to tell him that if he needs to discuss something, then he needs to call. If it's something simple that requires a brief answer, fine he can text me. But, visitation, finances anything of importance, no way. It's too easy to misinterpret their text messages.

Jenny I wouldn't let your son go yet. He is too little to me. Bfeeding or not. I checked with a L about mine and he said they don't recommend they be away like that until they are well over a year. I know you want your H to see how hard it is, but is it the best thing for your son?

blindsided & SO2,

First of all...I did allow S to go with H.

Yes, we need a SCHEDULE!! H told me almost 2 weeks ago he was going to e-mail a schedule. As of today still nothing (he says he didn't have time...in two wks you can't make the time to do something this important?), so I sent him what I want. He replied to the e-mail thanking me and telling me that he's too busy to look at it until Friday. Like he can't look at it for 10 minutes before he goes to bed or something?? Anyway, I have this sneaking suspicion he's up to something. Why would he be putting it off like this? I could look at it two ways....1) he's slowing the process down because he's reconsidering things. No...that's definitely not it. 2) Is he working something out with his lawyer? I have a suspicion it's the latter. Of course, it's also a possibility that he's just being lazy...as a matter fact that could be the most likely explanation of all!


SO2, I appreciate your concern. And I know that if I faught him, I would handsdown win for obvious reasons. But I think that is where these things can get dirty. People start to hold up their 'rights' and forget that the real goal is not getting what I'm entitled to, but to do what is best for the children. That is my focus. Having said that, I let him go for a few reasons...
1) First and foremost, I KNOW S will be fine. H may be a lot of bad things right now, but above all he is a good Dad (aside from the fact that he cheated on the mother of kids and left her at 8 mths preggo...). I trust that H will take good care of him and that the time away will be good for both S & I.
2) On that note...the time alone (I hate that word) will be good for me. I've been 24/7 Mom for a long time now and I need to start to find myself again.
- My D...she needs to start to associate her Dad with her brother. When she's with her Dad, she has him all to herself. And when she's with me, she gets me and S. And S takes a lot attention because he's only 3 mths old. She actually said to me the other day "I'm Daddy's "D" and "S" is Mommy's". She is 3 years old and at a VERY impressionable stage. It is important that she knows her brother is part of HER too as well as her Dad.
3) It is good for S to have the time with his Dad. I do not in any way want to take his father away from him. This one is hardest for me because I don't feel H deserves him. After how he treated me during my pregnancy and after, I feel as though S is only mine. But that isn't fair to S. There is going to come a time eventually when I will have to let S go for weekends (even if it is a whole year from now) and when that happens I want S to have a well established R with his Dad so that it is not a scary experience.
4) It's just 3-4 hrs. I'm not ready for anything more than that right now. Once the set schedule is in place, I will be taking Yoga classes during the evening he watches him.

When I got off the phone after confirming to H he could take him, I bawled. Then when he pulled out of the driveway, I bawled again. But the truth is, I cried the first time I left D too. And even though it's a lot harder now for obvious reasons, I know now like I knew then that it what is best for both of us.
As hard as it is emotionally to deal with it, I need to.
Typing this out really helped me to work through the reasoning. I had to make the decision so quickly, and even though I knew it was the right decision...I think I just needed to put these words to those feelings.

So here I am with 3 hrs all to myself....what will I do??
J~

Jenny, thanks for reminding us all that we have to do what is best for the children. I was thinking earlier that H is eating too much cake by me making it so easy to see the Ds whenever he wants. Then I thought I can't punish them because he won't get off the fence.


I hope you are able to enjoy your three hours. Peace

So, what did you do with your 3 hours of freedom? How did H taking S, go? I hope you did well. I'm sure that you did. Just wondering how you're doing today. I wish I could get out of my funk like you and SO2. I'm stuck.

Lizzy...yes, it can be too easy to get caught up in what they deserve and don't deserve.

My 3 hours of freedom were spend puttering around the house. I had a glass of wine and I put up some pictures in D's room. I'm excited for her to see them when I bring her home from school today.

S did ok with H. H said he was fussy...he says it was gas or something but both times H has taken him he's been this way. I personally just think he misses his Mommy!

I'm doing ok today. I'm really thinking a lot about this whole acceptance thing. While my DB'ing is about saving my M...it does seem less and less realistic. Having said that...I am by no means giving up and that gut feeling I have that it's going to work out somehow is still there.
But I don't recognize the person H is right now and I know I don't want to be with this guy. So I find my prayers shifting from "please bring my H back to his family" to, "please help H find himself again".
I'm really worried about him because the more time that passes, the further from himself he is. I can just tell he is taking his cues from CFB (OW) and I really hope that it is just a matter of time before the bottom drops out on that one. I hope and pray!!I just can't get rid of this feeling that he is going to wake up one day...is this denial or blind faith?? I prefer to think of it as intuition!!

His Mom is in quite a funk lately and H is noticing. He mentioned something to me about it the other day. Although he is not associating this with what he has done. Since H's Dad did this same thing (only abandonded the WHOLE family)...his Mom feels like she is going through it all over again. Not to mention she feels partially responsible as a result of how she dealt with (or didn't deal with) the circumstances. Of course...she's following the same pattern of avoidance. She has basically shut me out of her life...avoidance. But so bizarre since she was always so attached to me and I helped her through her separation and divorce immensly.
I only bring all this up because I know there is a lot more going on with H's other relationships. I am not focused on them...but I believe there is going to fallout from this and it will either push him further into the tunnel or perhaps begin to spark some self reflection.
OK...so I've tried not to have these little digressions about H...this thread is supposed to be about me! But I had to get it out. I'm kind of waiting right now for something else to happen...I have a funny feeling that something is coming...as I mentioned before, perhaps it's about the custody/visitation schedule.

blindsided...

I think hormones are playing a huge role in your 'funk'. I remember feeling the same way at your stage of pregnancy and it was pre bomb drop...although we were having problems.
But also, you keep focusing on how he is feeling (or not feeling) and that is directly affecting how you are feeling. Remember this one...

You are stuck, but you're stuck on your H and how wrong he is. As you know you can't do anything about it. You need to find a way to break the cycle of these thoughts. I am going to be starting a meditation class next week...have you thought of doing something like this? Something to help clear your head?

J~

Tonight I'm feeling a little sad...just a little.

As I settle into my new normal of life as a single mom...I'm realizing that my friend is gone. I miss my friend.
See H and I were still good friends right up until the bomb. In fact in the weeks that followed the bomb he was finding it hard to stop reaching out to me as a friend. It was like a reflex.
But that's gone now. I miss the person who I just used to chat about stuff with.
I wonder if he ever looks at me and misses that too. When he looks at me now, it's like he doesn't see me. He looks at me like I'm a stranger to him...and I don't recognize him either. How does this happen to a person?

Anyway, before I go any further into pity-land...
I just miss my friend. That's all.
J~

I'm with you on that Jenny. I miss my friend, too. I've got a lot of other stuff (not so good stuff) going on in my life right now beside my H leaving. I miss talking to him about it. I miss him hugging me and telling me it will be okay. I feel for you. I do. Hang in there. This too shall pass. I have done some meditating. It doesn't really do much for me except in the moment. But, then again, I was self taught, more than likely I was doing it alllll wrong. Let me know how those classes go, maybe I'll try it.