Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Please help me!! My wife wants out!

Hello Steve.

Have you bought and read Michele's DR book? If not, buy it and read it.
Things are Hell for you right now. Most people on this board are going through their own versions of that Hell.

"Space" really is a difficult concept too understand, especially in the beginning. By asking about OM or anything...whatever way...you are probably not helping to give her "space".

As someone said, you really need to take the focus off your W and put it on yourself. This is really difficult at first, but it gets easier. Fix yourself first.

The one positive thing you can do with your W when the opportunities come is listen....listen....really listen. Don't argue, don't fight, don't say what you believe is right or wrong. Just grit your teeth and listen.....and then.....validate. Read up about that. Validate. It is something I keep missing the opportunity to do.

While you are doing all this....look happy as well. Do a search on this board on the "As if" technique. That really works.

Sorry mate, that you have found yourself in this situation. Start to focus on yourself and things will get better.

Steve,

I'll chip in as well.

If you've read the DR book you will read that you need to approach the whole situation with a beginners mind, so the current Ideas that you have about mending your sitch will need to be tossed aside and you will need to take a new approach.

How will that be ? well the first things is, although you love your wife, it does come across although you are obsessing about sex. (Sorry but that's how it comes across). When we get into these situations where our S wants out of the M the first thing to go is sex, and it's usually the last to return. So for now I think you need to prioritise on becoming a good friend to your W and showing her you have the potential to be a great Dad. (Errr... Forget about the sex for now)

But you say you were having sex before OM, well I would put it down to pressure on W (Sorry) she said 70% fake. Maybe it was 100%, I don't know only she could tell. You also said it's 3 weeks since you last had sex with W, well some of us on this board are still trying to reconnect with our S after 3, 6 even 12 months so believe me 3 weeks in not a long time.

So I'll finish with the quote from transformer.



To which I'll add

4. Focus on friendship
5. Focus on fatherhood
6. Focus on you

Oh, I just remembered no more talk about OM unless she brings him up. Actually there are a few other things but I think you'll need to read the Divorce Remedy book first.

Thanks for the advice, Sorry it seems I was obsessing about sex, it was just important to us that was all. I didnt mean to be insensitive about the 3weeks remark, I know 3 weeks is not that long.
I have the book on order. I am being the best I can. I was trying to help her this morning as she was not feeling to good, I made breakfast, even fed her a bit. She actually said `thank you darling` her pet name for me, which she hasnt used for a while. She then realised and apologised for using it. Oh well...
The OM sitch is strange, as I mentioned he is trying to sort it out with his own wife but is still in touch with my W. Not very fair to his family but there you go. He has already told my W that he `cant give her what she wants` ie kids, relationship whatever, I think because he doesnt want to lose contact with his own son, which he surely will to some degree if he leaves his wife for mine. My W is aware of this, she knows she cant have him, but some small part is hoping so I think. I put my wife to bed last night because she wasnt very well, I brought her a dink and a snack, and I asked if she wanted me to put her cellphone on charge, which she said yes so I did. When the screen light turned on I saw she had a message waiting from HIM. I didnt read it because she was there, I just passed her the phone and said you have a message from ****> She took the phone quickly and told me I shouldnt touch her phone. She said that the message was nothing special and I shouldnt touch it because she doesnt want me to be upset by reading it. Is it bad that I want to read it? Shouldnt I?
On a positive note, she did say that she may be able to find me attractive again in the future, probably when I am dating someone else. I take that as a positive anyway.
I am trying to give her space, but she say that the fact that I am still in the house with her is a problem even though different rooms.
It sometimes seems that she says things to get a rise out of me.

I will keep trying, I dont want to lose her.

Hey Steve,

Hope I didn't come across too harsh but there you are, it's always difficult to get the right tone in written text.

OK, at the moment your W has her head in the clouds with OM. If you obsess about her, if you obsess about him, you only result in pushing them together. You are going to need to focus on you. You will hear that over and over again on this board.. The reason being firstly you will pique W curiosity and turn her attention away from OM, and eventually you will draw her to you. So read other posts to get ideas on how to focus on you.

If I hazard a guess at your sitch I think your W is looking for you to develop some kind of maturity and become the man that she is looking for, if she doesn't find it in you then she'll look elsewhere.

You have time cos you are still in the same house, so Steve it's time to "Man Up" and become that man.

Lan

PS

Shes giving you a clue here.

Man Up, thats the order of the day. I am still waiting for the DR book to arrive which I suppose will tell me a few things I am asking here. I dont want it to seem like I am avoiding her or giving her the hard shoulder, especailly now when she is pregnant. She has always been a bit delicate, and some of these pregnancy things are knocking her for 6. She spent the best part of the last 2 days in bed. Is it ok for me to be an attentive husband, or is that pushing? She asks for my help in making the dinner, but at the end of the night she completly blanks me when we go to our separate rooms. No goodnight or anything, and when I go into her (used to be our) room to get my clothes or whatever then I get accused of pushing and snooping (I know that she is going to email him).
So when she is tired or sick, she needs me, and when she isnt she doesnt want me around. Am I supposed to have a blanket no interferance rule or am I supposed to be there sometimes and disappear other times. She wants this separation I think, but I also think in her condition she wont be able to run her job and run her home by herself. (Of course I havent mentioned that gem, need to wait until I am sure she wants to move out)
I asked her if she would give our marriage another chance... she said she doesnt know. I take that as a positive, because it is not a definate no at the moment....so if I `Man Up` hopefully things will be better.I have about 2 months I think, maybe a bit less. Alot can happen in that time, just need to make sure that it is a positive change.
Do you recommend getting out the house? At the moment to keep out of her space, I spend alot of time reading in my room. I wonder if I should just go out to a starbucks or something to read? I was out at the football match today, and I know she was in touch with the OM while I am gone, so part of me doesnt want to give her the time alone in the house to get in touch with him....and the rational side of me tells me to get out!

Thank you very much Lanzo, I need someone to tell me in no uncertain terms what I am doing is wrong or right. My friends i talk to about this, just say about things my W should be doing, like breaking contact and other such stuff that I cant control. So please feel free to hit me with whatever you think! It will help!

Any hints on `Man Up`ing would be appreciated from those that had to do the same. I guess its gonna involve more than buying more tools, eating more steak and drinking more beer!! I havent had a drink since Jan 3rd (which again I know is a short time), as I figured a clear head is best at this time!!

Hi Steve

For me, manning up has involved GALing (getting a life) and stopping being in shadow of W, taking control and responsibility for myself without being disrespectful of her...in fact I hope she senses that my respect if anything has increased considerably.

Detaching and giving space is very very difficult and with your W pregnant this is going to be doubly hard- I would say offer her help but impress on her that if she doesn't want it she has a responsibility to say so - you are not a mind - reader.

Now is also a good time to get thinking about a few 180s - these are useful as they force you to put your focus on you rather than on your W and you're right - do not invest energy in trying to change things which you cannot.

Personally,I have found exercise /physical things suit my GettingAL. This would fit in pretty well with some of your goals - but the key to these activities is to find ones which you can maintain because they are for you - not W.

In addition to other reads you are no doubt working your way through I would recommend Manhood by Steve? Biddulph.

Best - GFI

Steve,

Some simple tips

You W is pregnant, so be around the house. Help if she needs it, back off if she doesn't. Sometimes she will say back off, when you know you need to help. So use your judgement.

Man up

I hope you're joking.

What I mean have you got a Nursery, is it decorated, do things like that before you are asked. Take an interested with W in baby things, show her you can be a father, leader, provider.

Man up, simple.

Lan

Just ordered the book GFI. Also ordered "Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants: Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man" by Elliott Katz will let you all know how that is!
I too am going to the gym, and everyone, my wife included has noticed a difference. She hasnt made a big deal about it but never mind that for now. I have dropped from 93kgs to 85 so far, but prabably have more than the same again to drop before I look like Brad Pitt!! It is definatly for me, as I always wanted to lose my weight... just she has given me the reason to actually start in earnest, thats all! We have unlimited cards for the cinema as we both love Movies, I guess I could start going by myself sometimes, as I am sure she will be jelous and want to come too.
I have so many books to read! I am devouring information! Hope I dont get confused!!
Thanks again

Yes Lanzo I was joking!
We are more than likely moving out of this house soon, be it separatly or togehter, so no Nursey yet. I have though of that and am really looking forward to doing it. I have tried to take an interest in the baby, I really am interested!!! I have all my baby books to hand (more books!!!!!) She is not too keen on me going with her to the midwife at the moment, because she told me she wanted to talk about the fact that the OM was in the equation and there was a slight possibility of it being his. She wanted to do this without me as it would be (understandably) easier! She has another appointment next week, again she isnot too keen on me coming so I wont force the issue. She knows I `want in` on as much baby stuff as I can. Before our problems, we both really desparatly wanted to have kids togehter. The timing of it is unfortunate, but my feeling havent changed. She has mentioned that she wanted to have a baby with someone she really loves, and at the moment that is not me (and she said it is also not the OM). But she wants HER baby at the moment. As you all said I need to convince her again that I can be her MAN!!

Thanks again, this is really good for me at the moment!!

Steve

Hey all,
Valentines day is coming up? Anyone know of a good gift idea that is both not too pressuring (like a diamond ring perhaps), but is intimate enough to be really appreciated (ie not a cd).
Saw a bit of light at the end of the tunnel this weekend.
She was talking aboit how difficult it would be to move away (because of the practicalities and because of my help I think).
She also said the doesnt know if she can give our marriage a chance at this time... which is an improvement from dead set on divorce. She also let doors open this morning. Recently she has been closing doors behind her, so I have to knock if I want to see her for something. But this morning she left them open (execpt the bedroom haha). I was out during the day both days at the weekend. She had contact with the OM by text on Saturday, but no contact on Sunday. (I think it is a case of he makes first contact usually as well.) We went out for dinner and a movie last night... I had suggested I might go and see a movie by myself, but she wanted to come, and it was her idea to eat out. We then talked when we came back. She initiated R talks. Said that she had nticed me not taking care of myself.. gaining weight, not shaving getting haircuts etc... She likes to see someone who is taking care of themselves (part of the reason the OM is attractive.)I toold her that I too was dissapointed in myself last year, I didnt do any of the things I wanted to do (all the while just talking about them). I told her that I cant make verbal promises I just have to do it. I am doing it for myself, but it was this sitch that gave me the immputus to start. She said it would have been better to start before, which I wholeheartedly agree with!! Part of the worries about staying with me are, that she has seen a change in me, but she said she couldnt bear to see me slip back into `old ways` after the crisis is over. And one of the others is that she cant forgive herself for what she did.Can control the first, but not the second. I think the second will get easier over time I hope. It wont be at the front of the mind forever.
One problem I see in the future is if she wants to give R another chance... she works with the OM. She cant stop seeing him, I might be able to ask that she doesnt make contact out of work ours, but is that going to intensify their R in work (that is where the adultery happen, after working late). Do I have to ask her to show me her eamils and stuff, or am I just supposed to try and trust her again?

Thanks very much, any ideas for Valentines Day from those who have had to make the same choices would be much appreciated!

Steve