you have a point there. What I wrote should be the outcome of my goal. But then again what would my goal be other than more GALing and doing whatever I am doing for as long as it works? This is how I feel now: I am thinking I should be revising, updating my goals and making them into actions. OK, I need to think about this a bit harder. Good point! I do not want to go back to where I started, thinking of what he is or should be doing...
Picnic analogy by "gone dancin", check out the newcomers threads. That's the title...
Great progress! I like that he is calling you so often. If you think what you are doing is working keep doing it. If its not try something new and monitor the results, and try something else. You will know when the time is right what to do!
I cant tell from your email, but a note of caution is that if you want to have less contact (to create space for your H to miss you and then draw closer) simply don't answer the phone. But watch your tone when you do answer the phone, and keep it all light and happy (even if you make an excuse to get off the phone as quickly as possible). You probably are already doing this. Just wanted to make sure you're not sending signals to him that he is doing something wrong, or you are unhappy with him.
You are obviously on the right track, and your His hopefully starting to realize exactly what he is missing.
You know what I reckon with the time difference we might have been getting married at almost the same time! definitely lets meet up in the posting thread in a couple of months!
Picnic analogy by "gone dancin", check out the newcomers threads. That's the title...
Hmm ... my WAW hasn't come out for a few days now ... nor has the sun ... so I'm curious about what's going on in the castle. But since curiosity kills the cat I'd rather have as good a time as I can out in the cold ;-)
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
I actually disagree about the goals. I think we need to have both: our own goals, so we can work on ourselves; and goals of spouse's behaviors that will indicate that we are moving in the right direction. Maybe instead of thinking about it as "goals" for the spouse, you could think of it as "first signs" that he is turning, or even just "signs" that he is coming closer. The question being, "what is the first (or next, or smallest next step) thing that my spouse could do that would indicate that they are having a change of heart?" and then watch for that.
Otherwise I think it's too easy to overlook the good baby steps, and we need encouragement on this slow and steady journey!
that's just my two cents... keep up the good work, kalni!!
Hi guys!! I am falling off the wagon today. I f**kd up I think yesterday and continued today.
I asked him last night (I think I got too excited from "I called just to talk to you" phone call earlier yesterday) , how is he doing in the tiny one-room house he is staying at the moment. He said "fine but it is very cold" (the last few days have been cold here in Athens). So I Txt him back saying "when will you realise that as long as you are away from me/us you'll be cold inside and out". The answer I got was " I do not know".
I knew already he doesn't know yet, but it sounded cruel and the fact that he is taking his time to figure what he wants, while me and the kids are struggling (even if he doesn't know it) is so unfair. I replied telling him "no job or anything else will count if you lose us in the end.." No reply. I got upset for the rest of the evening and woke up in a bad mood today.
He called twice in the afternoon and I replied his calls later sticking to my "you can't reach when you want moto". He had received what I had mailed him 2 days ago. He thought it was really funny and made humorous comments and he seemed to enjoy it as much as I thought he would. I sent him a table calendar for his desk which has a sketch of a sex position for every day of the year. I put a post-it note on today's date saying "the way we are going we will have to "work" overtime to catch up with all the positions we missed so far". This is the kind of things I used to do when we were very much in love in the first years of our R. He loved it then, he loves it now. I can tell because he smiles through our talks everytime I do something like this. But I haven't been doing it very often, 2-3 times so far. It works, I have to be more creative...
He also wanted to tell me about a party the kids are invited this weekend. It's my weekend with the kids and the people inviting us used to be very good friend of us, the guy is his best friend. His wife though is realy weird and my H knows it and the last 2 months she decided she wants nothing to do with me for a stupid reason (claims I didn't respond to 2 of her txt messages during the days my H was mooving out(!!!)). I told him he could take the kids but for me this girl is "deleted". His answer was "oh great MY only good family friends are deleted, that's fine". He said that as if we were still a family and how me being so absolute with her would create a problem to our friendhsip. I replied calmly that he could see them whenever he wished to, it was all about me and not him and reminded him all the times I tried to contact her and she didn't even pick up to clear the misunderstanding. He agreed she is difficult and we left it there.
I feel I am falling off the wagon because the last 10 days I've become impatient and loosing it. I am not as optimistic as I used to be and I am depending again on what he says or does. I was over that for a month. As soon as I saw changes, I am going back again...
He just called. Has the morning off, the kids too from school, and he'll come in the morning to spend time with them.
I have even been thinkg about the possibillity of an OW although he spends all his free time with the kids and we can always reach him (see what I mean, I AM on the wrong track).
Well, that's all. I didn't work on my goals yet. Thanks Essie, Trans (I've been checking on your thread) and fb2. I'll be osting on your threads. I hope you are all doing better than I am inside.
Hi Kalni, A big challenge for me in this DBing thing was the delicate balance between hope and detachment. Sometimes you loose that balance but as long as you can recover quickly you should be fine. Hence the importance of "small steps" until you hit a dead end (that's where I am) and then you try a 180 ;-).
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
I can see why you feel discouraged, frustrated, impatient! But so many good things are happening in your situation that are so encouraging. Your H is being very receptive to the sex positions calendar!!! Do you know how many people here would KILL to have that kind of joy, laughter, and connection with their WAS??? Of course it sounded cold for him to text "I don't know", but it sounds like he is just being honest with you. "I don't know when" doesn't mean "I'm not coming back" or even "I don't want to come back". It just means he doesn't know exactly when he will be ready. So dear sweet Kalni... can you try the Michele Filter? Before you text or say or write something to your H, can you ask yourself, "will this move me closer, or further away, from my ultimate goal?" You were talking about the picnic, yes? Can you focus on your picnic? It sounds like your H is really peeking out of his impenetrable castle, but don't chase him back inside. Of course you need reassurance... of course you want him back right this moment... of course what he is doing is illogical, wasteful, selfish, hurtful, ridiculous, etc, but he has to go through it before he can come back to you with an open heart. It sounds like it is only a matter of time, but the more you push, the longer it will take. You can do it, Kalni. I truly believe in you. And even if you make mistakes, and we all will, you can do it.
I wish I could give you a big hug, and we could sit down and have girly talk and eat those cheese pastries! Or have a pastries-for-muffins trade!
Just came back from the kids C. My H was there yesterday to get an update from her on their situation (and pay). He said he never told them he is coming back. She asked him if they read something in his body language perhaps, his attitute towards me? He said yes because he is actually thinking of coming back home, not yet decided(!!!!!!!).
My C saw him also yesterday(share same practise with Kids'C). He actually had a long conversation with her about what to do IF he ever wanted to come back. She told him what she told me today: that if we were to try we should do it with MC and that we should think of the kids and make sure we don't get them disappointed. That we need to have them prepared and prepare ourselves and them so that everything goes smoothly. He repeated that he is not sure yet but... He also said that realises he needs to work on himself a lot.
I should be thrilled but I am not. I know he is more than 50-50 now leaning our side but I don't know if that would be enough. My C seems pretty much sure that he will, but believes we don't stand a chance to succeed unless he works on himself at the same time. He told her too I've changed (and I have, honestly!!!) Funny thing is, he did not call me today, at all. I didn't either. I decided I'll give him some space and do my own thing. I don't want to get in a "waiting mode" because he is very slow and he is checking me out at the moment. I feel it.
My C asked to think of some "pre-requisites" that I feel would be vital "If I were to have him back" (sometimes I feel she just doesn't get it, IF I WERE TO HAVE HIM BACK?)
Any suggestions on how to move on very welcome.I just wish he would talk to me about everything that is holding him back and all the things that go through his mind. But I guess it doesn't work this way...
Hey congartulations kalni that he is THINKING of coming back! I dont know what to say to get him to move on from where hes at, but its still early days, and as someone said to me... its a step in the RIGHT direction at least ??
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
This is so encouraging!! You are doing everything SOO well. you are really creating a safe place for him to open up. It really seems like it is just a matter of time before he starts sharing these things with you. But we don't know how much time, so we have to enjoy ourselves in the meanwhile !!
