Just called H on his break at work. First I asked him about going to visit my best friend out of town for the weekend. (She is newly married to JOE, referenced above. The skater boy friend.) She has been my best friend since 4th grade. She and Joey were almost like brother and sister for years of our courtship, but she didn't like how caustic we could be with each other and how we fought all the time. She recently married Joe after they realized they secretly loved each other all these years. lol They married in Vegas on 7-7-07.
I told him it was not about getting out of town just because he had done so this last weekend, but we have been trying to plan a get together all winter. I was packed and ready to go a month or so ago and got snowed out.
He was giving one word answers, but said, yeah, that would be fine if I want to do that. So I'm going to see her this w/e. By the way, this is her most recent take on our sitch: (just as an fyi - I know Joey knows she feels this way, which adds the tension to me seeing her.) "I’m sorry, I don’t know what to tell you about Joey. I’m sorry if he feels bad, but I’m basically tired of his (bad) mood, hang-ups and dysfunctional mentality upsetting your whole household and you. I worry how the problems between you two affects the kids. It seems obvious he needs counseling and medication. I still like the friend side of him but I dislike the husband side of him that treats you terribly and always has a problem with his life and relationship. He does and says terrible things to you and you’ve become accustomed to it. I’m not saying you’re an angel, but I don’t have much empathy for him the last couple years, which I feel bad about. I hope you both can agree to spend any extra money on counseling and drs and put other wants aside for awhile."
The next thing I talked to him about was our discussion this morning and a message left on the answering machine about a reservation I made for us with a "United Marriage Encounter" weekend in Kansas City. It would be in March and I made the reservation last April when the chit hit the fan (this was the closest one to us and is still 5 hours away.) I totally left it open and asked him what he thought about it. He said I don't want to go - I don't like the thought of it. I said, well, if it potentially helps us resolve some recurring issues and learn how to better communicate, isn't a weekend worth making us happier, even if it's a bit out of our comfort zone? He said no, he didn't like the idea of it. I said, well, ok. I guess I'm not going to say I insist upon it, b/c essentially I don't, but I did schedule this last April when I caught you emailing Pam. (He said, in a slightly defensive tone, "Yeah?") I said and I guess if you don't want to go, I can't make you, but I will say this, if divorce is ever brought up again, I absolutely refuse to either a) continue to live in misery or b) entertain the thought of divorce before at least giving a weekend a chance, so if you ever change your mind it would be a wonderful gift. He said, Ok, I don't think I'm ever going to change my mind on that. Silence. Then he said, did you get my text message? I said no, he said, "I sent you one on my way to work."
I said "Ok. I just want you to know I love you. I do like certain things with you, but I'm wired a bit differently than you in that I don't think about it while I'm just walking around the house. I am more likely to just enjoy it once we're together. I want to be enough for you. I feel like...pretty much since Sam was born, you've had this feeling like the grass is greener and it makes me feel like I'm not enough for you. I want to be myself AND be enough for you." Silence. I said well I can feel the tension and all I'm getting from you are one-word answers, so I'm gonna go and quit droning on. (Something he accuses me of and I tend to do even more when he doesn't respond to me.) He sounded a little put out and said he refused to talk about this at work, whether his door is closed or not.
So I told him I loved him and I'd talk to him later.
His text message reads: I need to feel like u give me something u've never given to all the others. That doesn't leave much, but it's what I need from you.
Life sucks. What more can I say? I thought we were in a sex-starved marriage, but I've come to realize it's really that my H is going through more of a MLC and is probably depressed. I don't know what to do. I'm trying not to turn into a total bitch for having my life upheaved and none of my needs really being met, I'm also trying not to let my self-worth go down the toilet, but I guess I've done ok so far. Trying to "act as if" and "get a life".
Any other advice greatly appreciated. Lots of luck to all...
Well, I have "diagnosed" Joey as having a midlife crisis. He is not into cars, so that part doesn't quite fit. But I really thought it was about being sex-starved, now I see it's the "complaint of the day" syndrome.
Now...how to proceed. I had already begun lving for me, for my kids, trying to find happiness around me and trying to not let his actions bother me so much. I need to get better at that last one though. It is DEFINITELY a button of mine to feel like I'm taking blame for something I am not responsible for. This is something I need to work on. I started a Girlfriend's Club and am putting together a calendar of days that my friends and i can get together a couple times a month, just to have a drink or whatever. He has complained about that though and TOTALLY turned into a scorekeeper, deciding to run off to a friend's house for the weekend to "get me back." But whatever. At least we're not fighting in front of the kids. Yesterday we were talking on the phone and things got tense. We were talking about our checking account and how I always have to check with him to see if we have any money because he is the one who writes out the bills and does all the balancing. He ACTS like he resents having to do it, but I would be MORE THAN HAPPY to take it over, but he would criticize me. I am serious that we overdraw on a regular basis and I know part of that is because we go down to nothing, it's really easy to do when there is not enough to go around. But I had my own checking account when I was working two years ago and overdrew one time. He threw a FIT and insisted I close the account. He acted like I wanted my own account so I could spend more money. That was not the case, I just wanted control over KNOWING how much I had to work with and did not have to communicate with him before making a purchase. Anyhow, we were hashing this out in serious tones, not yelling, not cursing and my 4 year old daughter walked in and said, "I wanna talk to Daddy." I handed her the phone and she said in the most innocent voice, "Daddy, please don't fight with Momma, I don't like that." He and I both started crying and ended the conversation. PRETTY bad. The thing is, I took from that: "WE have got to stop this." He took from that: "SHE has got to stop this." I know I'm far from perfect, but he is the one who is always thinking life is gloom and doom and finding reasons to be unhappy.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. Other than patience, kindness and self-control, I'm not sure how to proceed from here.
