Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

Well..... been following along as best I can, sorry if I misunderestand anything.
I think a txt to say you enjoyed yourself will be fine, but an invite out for dinner is likely to be turned down I'm guessing - I've just been there where i've been given an inch and want to take a mile, I just ended up getting hurt.

What are your plans for Xmas? Maybe something around then ...?

ditto what Jen-Jam said, if he's just begining to be comfortable with how things are, dont' rush, sit still, whenhe is ready, then he'll plan it, don't try to "make"him do things.

Thanks Jen and Cat for your advice, it does make sense and I will heed.

Azhira, i sent the email to h on Monday thanking him for his kind words etc didn't hear back, but didn't expect to.

I have a lot more to look forward to at xmas than i ever expected. This is the first Xmas that I haven't stocked the cupboards full of food and drink, but hey.

I have been VERY proactive on a couple of fronts:

a) Started to decorate a bedroom and have organised things without H's help
b) Couple of Jobs H had left unfinished in the house, i have started to complete them.

I feel a lot better with my attitude generally.

H still contacts me daily and has confided in me twice this week about job and health concerns.

I have a salary increase today, totally unexpected, so i'm really chuffed.

This is what my horoscope says today, its really spooky.

"The good relationships that you have maintained with people on the job are likely to pay off today, as an unexpected raise or other opportunity could come your way. Contact with friends and family members are also likely to be warm, supportive, and satisfying. Bear in mind that efforts you have put in to these relationships have benefited not only you, but the people around you as well. Continue as you are"!

Have a great day.

XD

I do hear some positives. It just never moves along as quickly as we'd like.

Hugs, sweetie.

Thanks A. How r things with u?

Just a general q now. When signing xmas cards do I put H's name on the card or not?

X Eve

Hi Disappoined - you sound good. I agree with Azhira, it never moves as quick as we'd like. It's as if time passes at a different rate for the LBS than it does for the WAS. Sigh

Xmas cards - I reckon sign from both of you. If H queries it make out it's no biggie, that you just signed from both of you automatically, didn't really think about it, then change the subject. if he wants to make a big deal out of it then it's him being petty and then you just say "sorry, didn't realise it would upset you". If you sign them from just you then people will suspect somethign is up and you may get akward questions ... I feel the less people know about an M crisis the better. I confided in good friends only, didn't want everyone to know.

Hi Jen,

Thanks for your comments. I do feel a lot better and much stronger, obviously it's not what i want, but i'm trying to be the best I can. Your right time does move slowly for us. If it wasn't for this board, I think I would be nagging my H for R talks but instead I'm trying to be patient and just give him the space he needs. Although H contacts me ALL the time, I do feel as if things are at a standstill, not moving backwards which is good, but I still don't know why he contacts me as much as he does. Not that i'm complaining, i see so many people trying to achieve what I have got, that I have no reason to complain. I'm still not good at setting goals, I tend to analyse things and ask q's here, i'm not obsessing so much as I used too, so again this is a positive point for me.

Your right about people knowing our sitch, we haven't told anybody really, just close family. The extended family know through the grapevine, but it really is none of their business.

I am invited to BIL & SIL's for New Year (H's Brother) and I accepted ages ago, they live 100 miles away, but we see each other every couple of months. I have been to stay with them on my own with the boys but without H twice since the bomb. The thing is SIL phoned the other day and asked if H is coming for NY? They would like to see him and she is leaving it for me to ask H. The problem I have is that a) I don't think H will come b) I don't think I really want H to come c)one of the things H said when he dropped the bomb is that he hated New Year because we always do the same thing (stopping in b/c of no babysitters) and he can't be all romantic and stuff, which he said he knew I wanted. I'm sure H will be happy he is free to make his own arrangements this year without having to consider me or babysitters, I don't think he will be in any rush to ask me what my plans are. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable by asking or to put him the position of saying no and I don't want to let him know what i'm doing either atm, i'm sure he'll ask nearer the time b/c of the boys. I'm waffling now, not really sure what i'm trying to say, i think what i'm trying to say is that if he wants to spend NY with me he can ask, if he isn't planning on spending NY with me then thats fine b/c I have plans already.

Cat - Caught up on your sitch, sorry to hear you are in pain< I can't offer any advice, but I wanted to you to know i'm thinking of you and praying. My A is on the 12/12 also. What date is yours? My H i'm sure has forgotten, he hasn't mentioned it and I know he is out for a xmas meal from work. I don't expect anything from in and i'd like to be away from work and the area for the day and do something for myself and be 'unpredictable' for the day!! Your plans sound great, hope you enjoy it, I would suggest just enjoy the time for what it is and don't expect too much. Have you bought a card and gift? What have you written in the card?

X Eve

Hey Disapp,

finally found you! Okay, of course now d10 is wanting me to go upstairs and deserves that....so, just a quick note.

Back off sweetie. You are rushing and pursuing and asking for rejection. How can you really benefit by pushing things? Slowing down is just such a good idea and cannot realistically hurt your reconciliation chances much in the long run. ON the other hand, rushing and pursuing can completely ruin things.

Make FUN plans for your anniversary and DO NOT INVITE HIM to anything or ask him what he's up to... Please. If he says anything we can cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, plan something you'll look forward to. More later. You are doing well.
j-

Hi 25 mlc,

thanks for stopping buy and thanks for your comments and reassurance that i'm doing well. I needed to hear you say what you did more so today b/c i'm really confused.

H has a serious problem at work (really bad, but cannot discuss here atm)so he contacted me, i'm really the only person he could talk to about it, so we have had a lot of communication over the phone this weekend and i'm glad he felt he could confide in me and sought my opinion.

Really, i want to back off, but H contacts me every day, as i said in a previous post this would be a dream to most on the boards who are trying to achieve this. But i feel as if H is giving me mixed signals. How can he learn the cost of his freedom if he keeps on contacting me? He even comes into the house for 10 mins or so to chat when dropping off sons. I feel more bereaved from D1 who is in france and whom i've had very little contact with due to bad signals, no email etc.

We are getting on so much better apart than we were together, but I want more i want H home. I feel that h is in a place where he is happy with his lot is happy with the rountine, happy that he doesn't have the responsibilty of a r or the home and he is confusing the hell out of me.

Do i have to ignore all his calls/texts/emails and be out when I know he is dropping boys off? to get him to miss what he had here?

I don't ask him to do anything, he suggests things and b/c he does that it leads me into this false state of security and i risk getting rejected if I ask him to do something with me. I admit i'm guilty of it tonight: -

We planned to take the boys to church on xmas eve to the children's service. Today i found out about a more organised service but in a Cathedral which is in the city. We could park, catch the free bus into the city, have lunch then go to the service in the afternoon. I put the plan to H and he agreed. Without hesitation. Now I don't know what to do??

I have no expectations of our A, i planned to 'skip' a day of work, to go off on my own, I may still do it.

Anybody wiser than me have any advice to offer?? All advice welcome.

X Eve

Disapp,

a year ago last summer was our 25th and h had moved north. I KNEW I did not want to be "alone" or pining. I planned a big trip to Italy with our children (nope, you don't have to do anything so extravagant or expensive, but damn, it was worth every penny). H noticed and THEN said he'd gotten some time off and wondered whether he could come. I declined b/c I knew his schedule wasn't open for long, he'd leave early or arrive late and it'd be all about HIS time...plus, I had no idea he'd come back. So, I pushed the trip date back a few days, we spent our anniversary together and off he flew back north, and off I flew with the kids. Later I heard that it hit him hard that I'd go overseas with the kids, without him, and have a great time. It was huge for ME, and I think the kids, to know we could laugh and have an adventure and Not have their dad around. Besides, he was a workaholic anyhow, so in a way it wasn't unusual. Emotionally it was different but so good for me. No reminders of h, or loneliness, and lots of good positive memories; interesting people. Don't know what else to say. Buy theater tickets, or get out of town with someone close.

I told the kids that I WAS celebrating the anniversary b/c THEY are the fruits of the M and no matter what utlimately happened, they were worth every painful moment and I'd do it all again in a heart beat, if that was the only way to have my children in my life. I meant it. But like I said, h DID notice and later said it bugged the heck out of him.

He must have learned something. He wants to plan a family trip for this spring now. THAT is different for him/us.

Make nothing of his contacts, assume it's friendship only. LOSE ALL expectations and then, ACT on the lack of expectations....ie. make plans for yourself to be happy without him. IF he wants to join you, let him make the flippin' effort and stop inviting him, searching, etc. Don't let him assume you're still there waiting, hoping, clinging, so that every time he does a decent thing, he has to pull back to insure you won't want more, or expect anything.

Listen to his problems, support him, and get the hell off the phone. Remember to note the little positives of his absence, even if it's only at night. I know, it's not much, but it IS a start and soon you'll find other positives and then, HE'll notice what you are doing. Even though that is Not why you should do it, it's a nice byproduct. If it matters NOT to him, then better to know now, then later.
Good luck,
j-