Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy I am so confused, not sure what hand I am playing

Well, one more day down. He came home had dinner, and decided that he was tired and going to bed. I guess that answers the question of whether he was staying at home or not I really didn't have any input. He talked a lot about work during dinner again, at least he is talking. Asked me what I did all day (I stayed home from work). Mentioned that he did say at work loud enough for everyone to hear although only one person knew what he was talking about that he thinks its great that 2 people spent the morning slamming him yesterday while he wasn't in the same town. I said is that what you think happened? He said yeah the 2 of you just talked crap about me. (Boohoo) I told him that wasn't the case, in fact I could not have imagined a more polite and cordial discussion given the situation.

There is someting else that is bothering me about myself. I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. She is bright, full or personality and for the most part very well behaved. But she has red hair. I know it sounds crazy but anything you have ever heard about red haired people is true. She can go from 0 to 60 in 1 second flat and have horrible tantrums. They are more common than normal these days, probably due to the stress in the house. My concern is that when she starts up I am always thinking now, great H is really going to want to hang around here when he has to put up with this. I feel like I am projecting some of my disappointment onto my daughter, like it is in part her fault- and I know it isn't. I am also much less patient with it than I used to be. Yesterday while she was carrying on i burst into tears, it actually made her stop. Does anyone here have experience like this where you feel that the issues are effecting your own parenting skills?

I am very shaky today, I am not sure how I am going to make it through work without crying. The last 2 nights my H has been so miserable he is like someone I have never met before. I have not engaged him either night which is a bonus but other than that there is no pluses. He just seems 100% unhappy with life. All that and we are getting up tomorrow morning to drive to Disney with my parents for a week. I am concerned that this is going to be the nightmare of my life. I have been repeating over and over in my head be the greener grass but it is hard to keep smiling. I know I am preaching to the choir but I just had to talk this morning.

If you feel that you won't be happy on your trip with him there then maybe you should ask him not to go with you. I know this may sound drastic But you need to think about you and DD. Let him deal with the consequences of his attitude toward you.

JAK

Well, I made it through the trip alive. It was a trial. I am not sure if we came through it slightly better. As mentioned H was very miserable leading up to the trip, couldn't sleep staring out the window. Friday night before we were to leave in the morning he said that he was so upset about work and everything (but that he didn't want to talk) and that the vacation would be horible because he couldn't sleep because he was so upset about everything. The drive down was quiet, over the 2 days I drove 17 of the 20 hours. My dad talked about random things, mostly annoying as I was stressed. But as we got closer I noticed H lightning up. Pointing out signs to D. When we got to the hotel (where we honeymooned) I broke apart from him at the circle and walked quick to beat him to the other side, he noticed what I was doing immediately and smiled. (we did this the other times we had been) I think he was relieved to be away from my parents and I am wondering if being locked up in the car with them for 20 hours was a lot of his misery leading into the week. We had a nice night Sunday and a mostly nice day Monday, there was a little tension, but 1000 times better than we had been doing the weeks before at home. They even took a family photo in the restaurant that he suggested we buy($30) Tuesday everything started going downhill. My daughter was hyper and overtired at the park so wanted to do nothing and go on nothing so we went back to the hotel where it poured rain all afternoon(tornado watch) we went to a nice dinner had a hot tub then my D started throwing up and was out of commision for the rest of the trip ending with me taking her to emergency last night after the 20 hour drive home. It was a stressful trip and we didn;t have a lot of fun but I think we are closer than when we left. Last night when we went to bed he initiated contact which is the first time in a few months and before he left for hockey today gave me a kiss, and actually replied when I said I love you. That being said if you read this far I have a question. He has promised that he will not contact the ow outside of work, I am certain that he was texting her during the vacation as he lived with his cell phone on his hip. Should I address this(i will know for sure by the oinine account in the next few days) or should I try to continue the positive vibes I am feeling?

Ok I self destructed, addressed the texts for a few days straight and we still got along but then woke up tuesday to see the one day there were 21 texts(previous explanation wanted to see the status of his sitch at work) i lost it and sent a text to OW asking what part of stay away from my husband didn't she understand. H had already told me that he was having a crisis at work because all of a sudden after he was supposed to be transferred (to the same store she was) it was leaked at work that they were "together" he wanted to get to the bottom of it and why people started crap up as soon as he was away. I told him if anyone knew it came from her - since according to the story the PA was a one time deal before work. how would anyone know unless she confirmed. Well she will no longer speak to him after the text I sent her and he is beside himself because he needed to get answers and now he never will. In the midst of all this he now says he doesn't know if he is in love with her (before he was a concerned friend) but he needs to talk to her and get answers before he can decide on what is going on in our marriage. I moved my daughter and I out to my parents last night while he decides, he told her we would be home tonight, I told him not to make promises. Today he called his parents in FL to discuss the sitch - I see this as the begining of the end, up until now he wanted it all a secret. I think he is leaving, she moved out this weekend from her partner. He won't say he is but he won't say he is staying just keeps saying he needs answers.

Ok in our 1 day apart my husband sent me probably 50 texts and a few phone calls - all of which I did reply to. Yesterday afternoon he asked that D and I come home tonight and we can try and make this work. I agreed and he called 2 times since and not at all since last night before bed (by this time yesterday I had heard from him 30 times) I want to go home. Question is what do I do when I get there. We have been back and forth with this OW and the fact that he won't contact her then he does. Do I just let it go completely and run its course? Do we try to talk about the R and what making it work entails? Am I piecing or being a doormat?

If him not contacting OW is a boundry that you set for yourself than i would say do not go home until H understands that the boundry needs to be adhered to in order for you to piece the M back together.
But it is up to you. Just wonder if he gets you home if he'll think that it can continue.

JAK

That is my thought to, that am I just saying it is ok. But then I read the boards and so many people are at a stage where the goal is to keep the relationship with the H going and let the other issues fizzle out and not cause the waves that will drive H closer to the OW. I don't want to lose him and let him think I am not willing to work on the M. My daughter wants to go home, she is small and doesn't understand, she just doesn't want to be at Granmda and Papa's without daddy.

This was just posted on another thread by LWB and says it all I think, at least for me.

It lets them know you want the M but, that you do not plan on sharing. The rest is up to him.

JAK