Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Reclaiming myself and my life

Well, today I didn't feel that overwhelming anxiety and fear of losing W and not being able to fix my life. I felt hurt and sadness though, and she's been a bit difficult to deal with while I've been trying to be nicer when I do talk to her, but I am avoiding contact or conversations.

It's hard sometimes. As FaithIsBelieving said to me on the phone tonight "She has decisions to make right now, and they are not your problem any more".

Still, I don't WANT to be divorced. But I was talking to another divorced friend from the board and he told me how he has a new lady he is with and when he came home the other night really stressed out, she was tuned in to his feelings and SHE made him a hot bath without him asking, and helped him to relax and decompress.

Now, my W would sometimes offer to rub my shoulders or something nice like that, but I can't say I have felt 'pampered' or 'loved' in the way he described for many years now.

I guess I'm hoping that in a year or so I'll be as fortunate as he is and be with someone who really takes 'taking care of me' seriously. I can dream.

Hi Frank -
Please take what I am about to say as my sincere offering of my viewpoint - okay?

I think you are a bit right when you say that others here are maybe cheerleading you a bit too much.

A while back, you posted a long post about how things might look through your wife's eyes. I thought it showed a remarkable ability to look at yourself. Not that anything you did justifies her infidelity; but you admitted that you had not been a perfect husband in a lot of ways.

I hear you when you say you just wish she could show you the kind of devotion and care that you showed to her when she was down. Sometimes we have to accept our spouses limitations, though. My H has a lot of great qualities, but supporting me when I am sick is not and never will be one of them. I have had to accept that he is limited in that way and it is a cheeseless tunnel to expect that from him.

You have an expectation that your wife should have saved you from yourself this last year. It is a cheeseless tunnel because she's just not that strong. AND it's a convenient out because it absolves you from responsibility for your "self-medicating".

My H has periodic depressions, and let me tell you, it is REALLY HARD to live with a depressed person. The depressed spouse finds everything you do annoying. I kinda hear this in your posts about how she says this or does that - every little thing is over-analyzed and turned into a negative by you. She's a jerk, yes, but right now half your pain is a product of your depression, not her behaviors.

Yes, you are pushing her away, giving passive-aggressive answers,holding a pity party, and generally being a bit of a weenie. It's okay - and perfectly legit - to be mad at her for flirting with yet another married guy. But stop all this other stuff. Own your own stuff. Take responsibility for not getting help yourself sooner this past year. Sit her down for a financial planning session.

BTW - renting out a bedroom is an excellent idea. Your kids will not suffer for it if you choose wisely.

Get some help for your depression. I know this situation sucks, but I am here to tell you, the negative voice in your head that is drowning everything else out is beyond what is just normal for this sitch. Get some medication if you need it, or start a vigorous exercise program. Eat healthy foods. Get a light box.

Detach, detach, detach. Angry pushing away is not detaching. Constant temperature taking is not detaching. You can and will be okay if you separate; you might even find yourself in a much better situation in a couple of years (many of those in the Divorced forum do!). And frankly, I think the best chance of saving your marriage is for you to LET GO and work on yourself. Most of the reconciliations I see happen AFTER the LBS finally decides they will be okay on their own.

You know that I offer you these thoughts with affection. Not trying to beat you up.

Ellie

Ellie, your post is about a week behind. Most of the issues you're addressing I've already admitted to or accepted about her. I do not ever let myself be 'absolved' for anything. On the contrary I STILL blame myself for EVERYTHING. It's actually ALLOWING myself to give her some of the responsibility that's hard.

I saw my counselor last week (did you read that post) so I have begun work for the depression. I've changed my diet and introduced various supplements into my life on the recommendation of a nutritionist.

"BTW - renting out a bedroom is an excellent idea. Your kids will not suffer for it if you choose wisely. "

I disagree.

sorry to change the convo, but frank, could you elaborate a bit on how you've changed your diet? the only vitamins my H takes is Omega3 (mostly for his ADHD) and St John's Wort.
He is now on his own (no more home cooked meals, fresh chicken/beef/veggies; he will mostly likely live on pb&j and frozen meals) so I know his diet isnt' the best, he's lost weight and struggles to gain 1lb.

Why? We've hosted grad students who were in need of housing for a year, and next month an Indonesian friend is coming to stay while he works here. I don't see how that is different from renting a room to a nursing student or some such. Another interesting adult in the house can be fun for the kids.

I suspect your reluctance stems from your feelings of shame that such a step is necessary. But don't look at it that way; look at it as yet another opportunity to provide for your kids. A means to the end of preserving their home.

Ellie

I suspect you don't know me so don't dare to assume you think it's due to shame Ellie. In fact, I'm finding a lot of your post to be condescending so knock it off. You've made quite a few judgments about me and my actions and while I've tried to come off as understanding you're starting to irritate me.

I have a 12 year old daughter and a 17 year old daughter. I don't want anything bad to happen to them and since my W was raped by the neighbor kid when she was 12 I think I have a valid concern for my girls, don't you?

There will be no strangers living in my house as long as my daughters are with me. Got it? It's not shame, it PROTECTION.

And no, I'm not in my 'deep depression' any more. Nor am I being 'passive aggressive'. I'm being to the point and assertive.

I take responsibility for my actions, and the safety of my daughters.

Saint Johns Wort is pretty useless for anything beyond moderate depression.

Here is a post I put on jab's thread about alcoholism, hypoglycemia and depression. It has links to articles on nutrition.

The information has worked well for me.

alcohol, depression, hypoglycemia

I was just working from the common operative that midlife males define themselves by their work and "provider" ability and therefore generalizing that you might have an issue there.

And while I agree it's important to protect your kids =- have they never had a babysitter? Do you really think, say, a 22 year old female grad student would pose a threat to your kids?

I'm just saying, there are perfectly trustworthy people out there who could rent that room and help solve your problem AND bring something fresh and rewarding to the household.

But if that's just off the table for you, are there other areas where you could think creatively - out of the box - to solve the financial issues?

Ellie

Frank,

I believe Ellie is posting with compassion. I have read her posts to others over the last years and she is insightful, fair and kind. Albeit, I'm not sure that she is totally up on your situation, I know she is not attacking you.

I have said to you often that the key for your recovery and survival is dealing with your own issues. I want to respectfully point out to you that your reaction to what Ellie said was harsh. I got the impression that you felt you were being personally attacked. Maybe even challenged? I wonder why???? Could it be that someone questioned your ability to "fix" the situation and it struck a nerve? I think this is something you should think on as it probably carries over into your business life. We can talk more about that later.

And, Ellie, I know that it appears there are a lot of "cheerleaders" here for Frank. Some of us have spent a lot of time with him. He is a mess in a lot of ways, but many, many people see value in him and have been drawn to help him. And honestly, after listening to his life for 2 years, I firmly believe this marriage should not be saved. If that gets me booted off this board, so be it. Yes, he needs to detach. He really needs to be physically separated from his W but that is not possible at the moment. He needs to stop taking his w's temp every 2 minutes. Agreed. There IS sometimes a place for anger in these situations. And, it is way past time for Frank to be angry, IMO. I respect what you have to say and I believe you gave Frank some things to think about. I'm just not sure if you are up on the whole situation.

Sorry for hijacking.

Frank, check your email.

Spitty

You're right, My response to Ellie was harsh and I was angry when I wrote it. Ellie, I'm sorry for not using my own rule of not posting when I'm angry.

I was angry because the previous post re-hashed how I was supposedly trying to 'justify' my depression, drinking, etc by blaming W. That was very annoying because I took all the blame in the beginning for everything and was successful at flogging myself into a bloody heap. In fact, it was that feeling that helped keep me in my cycle of anxiety, hurt and drinking - the fear of her leaving me again, the knowledge that she wasn't trying to help me feel safe in our marriage.

So, I've put the self abuse and blame on the back burner in my POSTINGS but it's still there. I've talked about her shortcomings and issues in this situation so I can better understand HER.

I don't 'micro-analyze' her temperature all the time. Only with occasional posts to the board. I realize it's hard to know what I'm really thinking most of the day if I only post these little observations about W so it's unfair for me to expect responses that don't say "You are focusing too much on her".

One thing Ellie posted did make me think a little last night when I was journaling. That is this: Being 'cold and distant' is not who I am. Yes, I need to stay away from W as much as possible. Yes I need to keep talks short. But I don't need to be as cold as I have been. I'm a good person and I hate treating anyone badly. I would even treat a stranger nicer than I have been treating W.

So, I've chosen to be kind and compassionate when I am interacting with her. I'll still keep it short but I'm going to be 'me'. She still has to 'lose me' because it's just not healthy right now for me to be to open to her. MY heart's broken and I really really have to save the rest of my life first.

It will be a little harder, because then she'll start to be nicer to me and I'll have to fight off the 'hopefulness' for reconciliation. Right now she is being angry at me all the time and no longer making eye contact and that itself is hard enough to shake off.

However, this is WHO I AM.

She just came into my office to tell me her schedule for the day, most of which I didn't need to BE told. She was irritated, spoke quickly, didn't make eye contact, and left in a hurry.

I was pleasant, smiled, and wished her a good day. That's who I am.