Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Having a hard time

Hey, you have a good plan not to depend on him. I went dark and it was very liberating. I think my H missed being missed and he was eventually taught to treat me better after I went dark and stayed positive. I never really had the money to hire a gardener, a locksmith, a roofer. That is still a problem. One can only rely on the kindness of friends and family for so long before one feels like a leech but that's what they are for so use them if you got them. Your H will come around, mine did and he was the biggest most stubborn procrastinator who once yelled at me to just sell the house. Hang in there and stay positive.

You need to get this book:

'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk'

It is easy to read and very very useful. I got the teenage version and as I currently treat H like a rebellious teenager I use the tactics on him as well!

Thanks, that sounds like a good book. Read several on how to talk to spouses...thanking them a lot you know...but you can't thank them if they have done nothing of course!

P.S. I have a book called "when he leaves" by Kari West. About when husbands leave wives, sometimes for OW. Some religious tones in it. Written by 2 women who lived it. One H was a minister of all things!!!

If anyone is interested, it wasn't much good to me, different sitch.

HSSweetheart,

Looks like you've gotten some wonderful advice and support !

I think you could really do a 180 by having erased the list, and trying NOT to depend on your H for anything any longer !

Most things you will be able to do yourself !

I do it all the time now. At first I would do things in TEARS, thinking how UNFAIR life was to me, how UNFAIR it was that I was now doing everything alone ! Life gave me a real SHOCK to say the least.

VERY VERY SLOWLY, I have started learning to depend on myself and no longer on H. To be honest, right now I don't need him anymore (except to pay the bills yikes) but what I'm trying to say is...life was good before we married, and it can be good now, whilst we stand. (I am assuming that you are standing...)

Please listen to the great posters that came over and yes, do some changes in your approach, I have a feeling it may just jerk him into thinking about stuff !

Take care sweety !

That sounds just like me, crying while trying to do something and telling myself how unfair it is. I am going to try (with S11's help) to put away the xmas stuff in the attic.
Baby steps.
I guess most H's procrastinate. My favorite story used to be when we were first married and had our apt. It took something like 2 yrs to get up the apt curtains in the bedroom. And once in our home he had a tantrum and ripped-yes ripped-the storm door off the back of the house. That night I bought a new one. It sat soo long he lost the parts. Finally got up something like 8 yrs later. Literally, no exageration. Things that are undone drive me crazy, especially little ones. I understand that our sliding glass doors fell apart with age and now need vice grips to keep them closed. I do not have the $ to replace them so I live with it. But things I can do I like to do.

Anyone see "life after people" on history channel? Buildings break down pretty quickly when nature is involved and no one maintains them!

LOVED everyone's hugs, keep 'em coming! Feeling Helen Reddy more, I am woman hear me roar!

glad to hear you feel better!!

Let's see, our bedroom's bathroom sink is broken, it's been like that for about 6mths, we have to walk to the other bathroom to wash our hands if we use that toilet. The backyard is now a jungle and the stuff my H set up for my s9's b day party on the porch last MAY is still up. Beat that HSS

When my H was away I bought myself a small tool kit, (cordless drill, screwdrivers of all sizes) and set out to fix what I could. Take charge. I will now paint my bedroom, everyone I know has painted their walls, they may not look perfect but it was done, so dagnabit, I can do it too!! I want to do a major shape up of my house, what with the money the federales will give up I will make it a much better place.

I have painted as well, looking to re-paint just about everything again. Had a marathon session with H last night. Crying, throwing up, etc. Among other things he told me that I have to think of him as "dead" and go on with my life, making it the best for the kids. Talked about lowering my $ so he can have a life too. Talked of the various ways to do that. Kept telling him that any change will cause me to have to make major changes, i.e. sale of the house, to survive. He doesn't believe it. Wants me to run figures for him - figures I already have given him. I basically implied I won't-and I won't. Told him he would just share it with his people and he would be advised that I am lying and would be fine. Sorry, bills are my problem now and I have my own people.

Says he isn't greedy and only wants what he is entitled to. Perhaps after all the kids have moved out I will re-mortgage and give him his share of the house. But in my thoughts, perhaps someone has had experience, let's say he owns 40% of the house to be paid after kids are out. Shouldn't he therefore have to pay 40% of the maintenance, yearly taxes, homeowner's insurance, etc? How is it that he gets a lump share of the house but has to pay none of the bills? He says now that 1/2 of his payment is 1/2 of the mortgage and the kids medical costs. He seems to forget I also pay for his as well. So with those things his money is spent. Where is the support there? Fair is all I keep saying and this is none of that!

OH GOODIE!!

Is this a thread where we can bitch about what our h's or x's have left us to do?? God knows I am tired of mentioning the broken sprinkler pump that he has been going to fix for 6 months on my threadssssssssssss in MLC. OK so you tink, no biggie it's just a sprinkler pump.....not true not true. I live in South Florida and it DOES NOT RAIN in the winter. My house looks like a dust bowl. Fine! I bought one of those oscilating water thingies.....good Lord I must drag it around for hours until everything is thoroughly watered. Obviously I am not doing a good job of it. Sorry, I'm slightly obsessed with this sprinkler motor. BUT! there is a good thing to it not working uh huh....we have this anti chem rust container that autmatically goes into the sprinkler motor that keeps the rust off the house and sidewalks.....LOL. BUT! Before it broke he had stopped paying for the anti rust....my house is easy to find, it's the orange one with orange sidewalks Ok thats just one little blip but I'll not whine about it all at once ok??

Hmmm.......he needs you to think of him as dead huh? Ask him to cough up the Life Insurance money and you MIGHT be able to.

I think you should not speak to him for awhile. During this time you need to go to an attorney and find out exactly what your facing. Fair is not always fair. As of right now, he should STILL be paying the things he paid when he was there. There is this word called abandonment. If he does not continue to pay and just leaves you with it all, he's abandoning you and all he is entitled to. Do your homework.

My xh left oct 05....divorced finally july 11 07.....guess what? He still pays all the bills at this house. ALL OF THEM. He's the one that walked. He has to do this until the house is sold. I put it on the market once.....for six months. We did not get an offer he agreed to. So it's been of the market for 8 months now. Yes, this does seem very unfair to him to do this, but he's the one that walked. My name is on this house, he usually uses the deductions for his taxes as he makes 20xs more than I do. Normally we file seperatly, pay mine, and he gets back a large amount. He can either do the same this year, or let me claim half so I can get a return.

No, life is not always fair, especially for the LBS. But we do what me must in order to survive. I was told that as long as I do things the right way, to not fight and ask for more than what I was entitled to I would get what I needed. I did. I prayed to God daily to not let me fall into the emotional trap when it came to talking business with my x. I took on 2 personalities. I always greeted him with a hug, a kiss and a I hope your doing well added with a remember, this is not what I wanted.

See an attorney, get your facts, then you can start talking numbers with him. Knowledge is power sweetie. It does seem like your h has been talking to someone. You need to also.

HUGS HUGS HUGS

Jeanette

Oh, I still have a few Christmas decorations up also But ya know what? SO WHAT? hell, I live here.

I loved your comments! I have seen a lawyer. 2 different ones actually. I really cannot afford one though. (Free consultations). One thing I have to say is that he does not try to screw me like I hear most do. And FYI I make more than him, which isn't saying much, but since I have had the family medical taken out of my pay our take home is very close to the same amount.
And he is now paying his own life insurance - with me as beneficiary. I have mine to him, that way if either goes hopefully the house gets paid for the kids sake.

He did make comment that his $ pays half the mortgage and the kids medical. He is now paying his own phone, car insurance, and he keeps saying he is going to get his own medical-i'll believe it when I see it. He says therefore that he cannot do that and continue to pay me the same amount. Yes, if I don't have his medical I will save some so it may not be too bad but I haven't run figures.

Funny thing is I think he has the upper hand on me and he thinks I have the upper hand on him! I think we were pretty honest in that phone call with each other. I told him his payment can make or break me and the kids. He says he just wants what is fair so he can live on his own. Always tells me I wouldn't get a deacent apartment for less than I pay now (I always say but what about taxes each year?) so I should stay put.

I was so upset the last few days he said he didn't know if I would do something to myself. I really never could, even though it is a common saying you know. I said I wish I was never born. I said no one would miss me. He apparently came over yesterday morning and came in before the kids expecting to see my body. In some ways I would stay just to bother him! If I was gone his life would be solved-he'd get the house the kids and all the $!!!! But anyway.....