how are you doing today? I know its confusing. but you know what, do whatever you do on your own timetable. you are not obligated to rush anything because its what your H wants. if he wants to move out, let him. if you want him to, ask him to. if you don't know what you want, start there...figure out how to realize what you do want (and yes, I keep saying it, but IC will help you with that one). the hardest thing for me on this journey was quieting down and learning how to listen to my own heart, learning what I want.
for me, I don't think I could have done that with H still in the house. the roller coaster was too much in my face...there was no escape from it. and even when he was gone, it took me a really really long time to detach. okay, it might not seem like that long, about 6 or 7 months, but it seemed to take forever.
personally, I refused to do anything like filing until it felt right for me to do. did I condone what my h was doing? nope. but at the same time, I refused flat out to do something unless it was right for me. so I didn't file. at the same time, I was not going to live with him going out/lying/being with another woman. I tried to do that for a while, it didn't work for me. in fact, it was destroying me.
back in october when I realized he was really living with her and it all just felt hopeless (but before he asked for a D) I went to the boston db meet. I was talking with all the great people who came and said to them I didn't know what i was waiting for, maybe it was time to just bite the bullet and end things. and they all said the same thing...what will that paper (divorce agreement) do for me? how will it change things for me? when I could answer that it would make things in my life better, or that I was really ready for it, then go for it. but until then, why the rush? they weren't trying to discourage me, just make me think, make me get in touch with myself on the matter.
I will not D because its what I should do. I will not do it because I'm angry. I will do it when/if it is right to do it.
maybe H will get there first. He's made motions in that direction. and he's also backed off a bit. that might be panic on his part, I don't know. but to me, it just has to be right in order to go that route.
okay, this is long and I've probably said this stuff over and over. I guess what I'm really trying to say is take some time, listen to yourself, take H out of the equation (whether he is in the house or not). get in touch with LWB again. you are an amazing woman, get to know her again. silence all the noise around you, all the crap H keeps sending your way. make yourself your focus. after all, the only thing in this world you have control over is yourself...stop trying to control anything else. I promise, if you can do that, it will all fall into place. I won't guarantee what the outcome will be, I will just say that the confusion will fade away and clarity will come.
Last edited by SallyM; 01/30/0802:48 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
and even when he was gone, it took me a really really long time to detach. okay, it might not seem like that long, about 6 or 7 months, but it seemed to take forever.
Sally - You always have such great thoughts. My response to what you said above is this.... When we're going through all of this hurt, pain, etc., to me a day can seem like forever. A week can seem like an eternity. You wonder if you'll ever see even a glimer of light at the end of the tunnel. 6-7 months when you're dealing with this does seem like forever.
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
It is so true. Just checking in with you! I bless Garbage Day for some crazy reason. It makes me feel like I got through another week alone and that time flies and I need to take out the garbage. One foot in front of the other. Go forward and build momentum. Limbo is a land many people visit and we just need to know we are not alone and that the future can be bright even with all these sh&%ty obstacles. We will grow and become more compassionate if we try.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Hey everyone. Sally M, thank you so much, you are amazing. Hats off to you.
Rough day. I am very emotional. H caught me crying today, but you know what? At this point, he needs to see me in pain, he hasn't seen enough of that. I wasn't begging/pleading, I was in pain. He didn't help me or ask what was wrong, just kept D3 busy.
He made a comment this morning about how HOT a mom was at D6's school. Yes, you read that correctly. He has a death wish, I think. He was attempting humor and failed miserably. I confronted him, and told him that prior to his A, that comment would be funny to me. But from now on, I never, ever want to hear something like that again.
I have decided I need space from H. I do not want this D, but will take my stand and not take this anymore. I deserve peace and comfort, and H in my life constantly is not working. I told him he is free to live his life, but I will not watch him do it right now. I am seeing an atty to draw up paperwork regarding the house (that I am staying in it, and we will tackle the money part later. Basically its assuring H I will not 'steal' the house from him). The girls will stay with me in the house. H is free to visit them/take them whenever they are awake, but he will not sleep here. He will be with them when I work til midnight, but then will go to his dad's. I have also decided that close family members will be told about us (his parents and mine).
This is going to be hard. I miss him already. I love him so much, but can't do this anymore. Will I file for divorce right now? No, I am not ready. But the time has come for me to fight for MY happiness. Luckily our schedules are so crazy, the girls will honestly not even notice him gone (they are always sleeping when he leaves for work in the morning). H called me at work and asked me if I would mind if he got a sitter so he could go out tonight. I answered "As long as the girls are happy with it". He said "What, no comment about me going out?" and I answered "What would you like me to say" and changed the subject.
I will continue to be kind and loving towards him, to be strong around him (and not around him). He is still my husband, but right now, I need my husband to leave the house. I am not sleeping and think this will help.
Hey lady! I'm so sorry. I feel ya on needing the space though. I know it would be hard but some days I just can't bear to see H come and go like he does.
I personally say good for you for showing your emotions. Your H SHOULD already know how much he's hurt you, but maybe your crying was good for him to see.
I ALSO unfortunately understand your feeling about the HOT mom comment. My H has done the exact same thing. Just on Monday D3 mentioned a little boy at school. H said, yeah, I think I saw his mom, she's hot. He's also actually asked me if the mom putting on the party D3 went to was HOT? WFT??? are they thinking? Seriously!!
I am so sorry that this is happening right now. I also am not ready for divorce but think space would make me feel more at ease right now.
I'm sure everyone else will come on with their wonderful advice. And hey, just a few more days until you see Hope again too right? That will be good for you right now.
Hugs to you WONDERFUL Lady! Wish I could give you one in person.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Hey, LWB -- First time here in a couple of weeks. I'm so sorry about your emotional roller coaster. I sure don't have as many wise words as other DBers do, some people here are truly amazing, but the one thing that came to my mind is cheeseless tunnels. You've been at this so long, perhaps requesting a separation is what is needed. I know it will make it easier for you. But your H has seen you floating on an even keel for a long time. This is really going to rock the boat. Perhaps it's what he really wants. But if he's not sure, this will definitely get the rocks in his head to tumble tumbling a lot faster.
I hope he 'hears' you when you tell him why you want to separate.
