Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..(2)

COG,
I am starting to think that this is what was going on, trying not to think about it too much right now.

There was one thing that W said to me today that had me start thinking again. Basically, after the 'events' at my new apt (see my previous post), I gave a 'thanks' to W:

I said in a joking way, "thanks for allowing me to fulful your 'physical needs', you could have chose anyone but you chose me."
W said, "I haven't had x with anyone, you know."
W said (a little jokingly), "Well, you don't know whether I have or I haven't do you?"
I said (a little jokingly), "No, I don't, do I..."
(the conversation ended before it got ugly and ruined our mood)

The thought starting creeping in again. I just keep praying and trying to focus on myself right now. I've seen people on DB in alot darker situations. I consider myself a little lucky right now. I hope the situation continues to improve over the coming months. Well, off to class now......

Jab,

I think you're doing the right thing in keeping things light, fun, and flirty. Joking around is nice. Probably the new atmoshpere was attractive to her. But don't go getting weird on her. The last thing you ought to do is go expecting sex when she comes over. Just keep your expectations low, no pressure, and if it happens it happens.

It's not all bad being the "bad boy" ya know. You might be able to work that into your game plan, have some fun with it. But be very careful not to confuse the "bad boy" with the "irresponsible wimp boy".

When negative thoughts start creeping in is the time to pray like crazy. There are evil forces at work here and they'll attack you in your weakest moments. Hammering you with fear, worry, jealousy, and self pity. Hoping you'll make stupid mistakes. Be careful, be wary, be bold and courageous. It kind of stinks, but the right thing to do is rarely the easy thing to do.

Stay the course, GAL, pray like crazy, and love unconditionally.

God Bless the Struggle,

COG

No way, didn't even expect it today, will be doing my best not to think anything like this. I'm not even expecting her to continue with the good moods/interaction. I expect things to get bad again, not all the 'demons' have been cast out of our R/M, yet.

COG,

This is an exact quote from W last night. You 'hit the nail on the head' here, this is W's comment on the S (not to be confused with a D at this time, that is still up in the air). Every single thing you just stated is being taken to heart. I truly appreciate your comments, they are really helpful reinforcements.

I'm going to go pray now, thanks!

It sounds as if there's potential for things to settle down a bit now and give you some time for you to establish workable, amicable routines. This is similar to my experience but am still at home fortunately...there was a time when I feld that stuff was so much up in the air there was not an opportunity for me to have a clear run at GettingAL. With a little space and calm I had an opportunity and things became easier in that respect. IMO, nows the prime time for you to monopolise on that. Although yours is an opportunity forged out of misfortune, it looks as if you may have the wiggle room needed to put some top drawer changes in place. Take a breath and go for it! I think now is the time for subtle but positive changes to routine and 180s coupled with consistency, love and calm.

I've def got a long long way to go but I am hopeful this tack is starting to work for me.

GFI

GFI,

I have read your sitch. You and I have many, many similarities. Me moving out & you still home are one of the few differences. Of course the OM in your sitch is different as well & that makes it more complicated for you. I am still praying that I 'woke up' just in time to prevent this. I'm not sure but if there isn't an OM in my case, it was very close to that. I am still scared that this S is going to have a negative effect for my R/M, but if I still have periodic contact with W (thorugh the kids) and I keep doing the things I need to do, the impact will be positive.

I am keeping an eye on your thread and progress. I think you have the right attitude and I wish you the best. I believe alot of the advice you give me also pertains to you because of the parallels.

I'm so glad that the drinking in my case has ceased, I've been so busy that I rarely even think about it. What I'm worried about is when things settle down and the old 'triggers' start returning. I'm worried about how I'm going to handle it when I'm around others who are drinking. I know I can handle it around W because she means so much more to me than booze or beer. When having talk with W the other night, I expressed that when I reflect on things now, I cannot believe some of the stupid stuff I did. It doesn't make any sense to me and I'm the one who did those ridiculous things! I am so grateful now that I can honestly see how crazy I was behaving and I know that no matter what I won't ever be that person again (I don't like who I was for the past 5 years).

Anyhow, rambling now, got to get ready to go to work now. Good luck!

Jab

You're spot on about not being able to believe all the crazy stuff you did - ME TOO! It's as if it was a different person - the times I tried to wake up and do something about it and then before I knew it another backslide and back to square one. W has carried resentment and anger about this around for years. Early years with S were worse - of course I was the guy who was being pushed out at that stage, never got a look in with S, couldn't do anything right and that sent my self esteem down and drinking up. At that stage, I felt pretty worthless and the only positives I could see were work - where I invested my energies, and drinking cos work was so damn hard! None of it makes any sense whatsoever!!!

For me, its been best simply to avoid all the triggers - but this has a negative impact cos W thinks now that I'm an alcoholic who isn't drinking. This leaves me between a rock and a hard place - its been tempting to go for the social drinking again to prove her wrong but I have held firm on not going to my old haunts, not doing stuff that I would have done and GettingAL. In fact, avoiding places has been pretty easy. I've decided I've wated enough time and money in those places for a lifetime and now I relish the clear-headed wake-ups and long weekends!

Exercise and physical stuff has def been the way forward for me. Also, clearly separating work and leisure has been positive - before I would work at home so much, which would lead to resentment, and I'd think, hell, I'll have a beer then if I'm going to be stuck here on my PC working.

I hadn't realised how work had invaded my life and consequently how destructive it had become.

I think your W, like mine hopefully, is waiting to see how the changes pan out - they may be waiting to see how long you and I last before sliding back into the bottle, but so long as you can buy yourself time to prove that isn't going to be the case then there's hope. The thing is, you've got to genuinely find activities to replace the drinking. Ones that take time, with people and routines have suited me best.

Best - GFI

GFI, JAB, There may be times when you W's will think that D is difficult, but "it's the right thing to do". They may be thinking that right now. But just know that time changes everything. We can't control our feelings, so we just have to wait until feelings change, and change they will. Eventually, if YOUR actions allow them, they will realize that the right thing is to save their M, and that is FAR more difficult than D.

Time is on YOUR side right now. You both have been given the opportunity to change. This is huge. One of those major life changing events that only come along once. Whether you are religious or not please realize this is not necessarily a worldly event, but rather a spiritual battle between good and evil. Both forces alive in your hearts and minds. Do all you can to recognize which force is motivating you at any given time.

Fear, jealousy, anxiety, resentment, anger, frustration, selfishness, self pity, depression, low self esteem, etc. all tools from the dark side used through you to destroy peace. Courage, strength, patience, generosity, unconditional love, acceptance, joy, peace, all from the good side. When you feel the crap starting to stir, just take a moment and meditate, pray, and find out who's really manipulating your heart in the moment. Ask for your higher power to enter your heart and chase away any evil thought or feeling that resides there.

Understand that you are not necessarily in control here. That your higher power has a purpose and a plan, and needs YOU to go with the flow. Ride in the backseat and watch the miracles unfold before your eyes. Let go the need to take control, and accept the life that unfolds before you.

God Bless,

COG

cog, praise God. your words ring true.theLord has a purpose. he hates divorce. we are not in control. it is hard to give that control up. but we must. w last night finished the d papers , intends to file today. she is still not able to look inside her self and face her demons.she wants to runaway. not thinking about children, or anything but herself. says she is happy. i see other wise. i see her everyday. she is in denial. pray for us .

W just called me at work. (I left a thumb drive at house and had left message earlier to bring it w/her when she brought kids to my apt tomorrow.)

W asked how I was doing/did last night. I said fine, keeping busy.

I asked her how she was doing, she said not well but she couldn't tell me.

I asked what's going on?

W said she really missed me! W wanted to have dinner tonite.

I said, come on over...you can come see me anytime you want after work (maybe not correct response but I was caught off guard). I don't 'turn into a pumpkin' until 8PM (IHD reference here).

W said she wants me back but still a little scared.

I said, give it some time...I hate to say it but you missing me makes me feel a little better (probably wrong thing to say but I was caught off guard). I want to get back together too, but I have to do this now for 60 days.

Call was cut short, I was working. W wanted me to call her later after work.

How do I handle this? I was thinking about telling W that I need to make sure that I do the things I need to do before I agree to anything. I was thinking about telling W that I want her to be sure that she knows what she wants first. This is a whole new level now that I was unprepared for this soon. Any suggestions?

LIsten, say very little, don't try to fix anything. Don't go running to HER. Let her pursue you.