For the weekend, play it cool. If she seems interested, you might go for romance - but if she doesn't (very likely at this point for you), just go for FRIENDSHIP. That's the foundation of your R - help her remember that, through having a nice, relaxed, HAPPY time together.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
it's funny how the meaning of a simple little phrase can become so bedeviling, isn't it?
if you are essentially following the main DR techniques, i wouldn't worry too much about how you reply to your wife's "i love you". as long as you are replying to something she says, i don't see the harm in very matter of factly replying in kind. i think you want to avoid two things:
1) making too much of these exchanges by being too self-conscious or too clever by half
2) trying to escalate the level of intimacy that she originally offers.
as far as the much-dreaded and ever so shallow phrase of "i love you but i'm not in love with you", i would not be too concerned about it. on the one hand, "love" is both a conscious, mental thing that people can think they have or don't have. but once you really, really bond with someone through a long term, loving, sexual/romantic relationship, there's an incredible and enduring force there that the person saying "i love you, but i'm not in love with you" often underestimtes. it's why i think the DR strategies work with people who can patiently use them and don't panic.
if you look at the success stories, and you should, you'll see certain common denominators. if i could identify the single most important one, it's that those people stand back, regroup, and then make themselves more appealing without overpursuing the other party. and then, slowly but surely, that force that the "ilybinilwy" party can't see, begins to exert it's very, very potent power.
Let me echo what lwb said. Maybe you don't know it, but you are very fortunate to have Rob and choco helping you here. They are DB blackbelts, and you would be wise to follow their advice...
And Ohio Mark is a big support......unfortunately these men are veterans...sigh...their wives are crazy!!! Well, choc's came to her senses. But either way, I love how the 'boys' gather together to offer up advice.
aimhigh, just wanted to say this paragraph is amazing. Your whole post was, but I really was struck by how true this is, even when we don't see it at first:
Quote:
if you look at the success stories, and you should, you'll see certain common denominators. if i could identify the single most important one, it's that those people stand back, regroup, and then make themselves more appealing without overpursuing the other party. and then, slowly but surely, that force that the "ilybinilwy" party can't see, begins to exert it's very, very potent power.
Thank you all. I appreciate the support. You know, its amazing how fragile the human psyche is. Driving home last night, praying the whole time that God will give me the strength to let her go, concentrate on myself, and commending the situation into His hands, I felt absolutely alive for the first time in *months*! The honest realization that this is her choice and there is nothing I can do to control it was liberating! I experienced a euphoria that literally had me whooping in the car! When I went to bed last night I was feeling pretty darn good about how well I was doing and feeling. Then I woke up about 3:00am, and my mind instantly went to her R with the OM and I had that sick feeling. I went to bathroom, back to bed and started shivering uncontrollably. Fortunately we have a big bed and she didn't notice, but I was dumfounded at how quickly my mind undid the good feelings of the night before. I was laying in bed actually plotting if I could get away with planting a tape recorder in her car, and waiting for morning so I could sneak downstairs and get it ready! Thank goodness I fell back asleep and came to my senses when I wokee up for real. The other realization I had yesterday was that I hate myself when I snoop. Every time I snoop I lose a little bit of self respect, and I hate that she has had that power over me for a long time. Well I am through (says the alchoholic) and won't let it overpower me again! Thanks all for letting me vent.
B, You're on one of the worst parts of the emotional roller coaster. Have you looked into anti-depression/anti-anxiety meds? They really helped me at this stage. When they are working well (you may have to try a couple to get it right), they will really help level out the height of these peaks and valleys - not enough to make you feel nothing, just enough to help you cope with them better. Consider talking to your doctor about it.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
There's nothing wrong with snooping (I prefer to call it "intel" -- it's more more sophisticated. ) But it should be part of an overall PLAN, to confirm something that you DON'T know, or to confront your spouse with something they're denying. NOT just to masochistically punish yourself.
I thought you were going on a weekend? Go enjoy yourself, and try to forget about this for a few days.
) But it should be part of an overall PLAN, to confirm something that you DON'T know, or to confront your spouse with something they're denying. NOT just to masochistically punish yourself.