Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Having a hard time

P.S. My wed night mtg facilitator told us of his cheap and good handyman. I may call him! Wish me luck! Too bad he is in PA and not your area!

Talked about lowering my $
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sure, if he wants to be blasted by the judge if and when a D happens, he can be in deep trouble for not paying his share.

Understood - but at this time there is nothing legal. According to the first lawyer I saw in '05 he is paying more than required so I was told not to rock the boat. In that he has the upper hand. Called for another free lawyer consultation today to get new figures to see exactly where I stand. He was talking about lowering it maybe $200/month from current. And paying his own medical instead of me paying it. So it may be not much different. But won't know until something happens.

Original lawyer also told me he wasn't entitled to 1/2 of the house. But he isn't fighting that.

You know....I just had a thought sent to me.

You've been here as long as I have. But when I read your first few posts it seemed to me like you were a newbie.

Do you want this divorce? Are you "adapted" to the single way of life know? I kinda am. I have been divorced almost 7 motns but seperated since oct 05. I don't know if I could go back. It would have to be on romantic wooing thats for sure.

But I think you still have a chance. I think you need to stop, take a moment, and go back to the beginning of the whole point of being on this sight.

I love "Newcomers". I get so much from them. I read almost all of the posts but only really frequent 1. It helps to get ourselves grounded again for what we want. Either we are standing or we are not. The divorce aspect is like I said, a different personality would take over. When it came to other issues or the tit for tats I would not discuss them with him. It all had to be discussed legally. This way he could not hold it against me. Or point that proverbial finger at me.

I need to take some time and go over your threads to see where you started to lose sight of the ultimate goal.

Yes HSS.....I am divorced, I am seeing someone, but I DO STILL have hope that my xh will come around. He shows signs that all is not over. Neither do I wish it to be. But I have learned the right from wrongs now. Never argue is top of the list.

ok....I will read more after work!!

Hugs

Jeanette

Thanks. Yes, I have dropped the ball at points, I am always admitting that. But at this point I have lost hope. This separation has been totally different than the first one. Then I DB'd my ass off and it did not change things in the end. Maybe I am wrong, but my gut feeling is that if he didn't want me then when I was at the top of my game, then he doesn't want me. He constantly reminds me this is over. His feelings for me are gone. Said just last night that he doesn't get along with me and no longer wants to be married. Once he said whether this is right or wrong he will not change his mind from his course.

I am good for a while and then have ruts, like everyone. This last week it has hit hard. I was good before that for a long streak. I am human. I speak from my heart. I told him the concert he went to bothered me. Should I not have? Maybe, but I like to give my honest feelings. He told me of all that is going on I am worried about that? I said that was just something that bothered me.

In group last night I talked to them about just what you said - at this point do I really want him back? Well, of course, ultimately I would say yes. But I would have rules. Last time in 05 he came back with no changes and it didn't work. He did nothing to make it work while I was dbing, medicating, going to therapy, going to group. So he would have to be willing to actually do something positive this time. Which I know he would not. Not to say I am not hopeful, there is still a teeny tiny glimmer of hope. But I no longer rely on it let's say.

Hope that kinda made sense

Ok, so why does he do this? Most people, when set on something do not have to mention it constantly. They just do it. If you keep bringing it up over and over again it is because it's bothering you. (lets go back to my sprinkler motor, now I mention it constantly because is bother the heck out of me, he never mentiones it, and that bothers me even more) Do you understand where I am going here??

Neither of you have got to the root of the problem. Yes, I am completly aware it takes two to make it work. BUT sometimes 1 person can get it started.

Remember back to the beginning of your relationship. Remember all the things that attracted you to him, him to you. Put some mix in the picture now, throw in some of that good ole stuff from way back when, ya know, when he is least expecting it, then simply walk away smiling and do not talk to him for awhile. AND NO MORE ARGUING! Leave that to the people you'll pay.

Hi Sweets! I am so glad that you mentioned thinking about being a widow. It is morbid but it reminds me of bothmy elderly aunts in laws who are widowed and relied on everything from their H's! Money, bills, remote controls, driving, banking and they survived OK. Sorry for the hijack but I miss getting in the car and randomly going for a drive. It is so easy with two parents but a huge chore for me alone!

You guys will never believe it! I know my H has a heart but anymore I rarely get to see or feel it. When I picked up the kids last night he came out to the car alone and squated down to lean on the open driver's window. I leaned over and gently kissed him on the cheek-kinda to thank him for talking to me the other night when I was so upset. He immediately started crying like a baby. I ran my fingers through his hair (seemed a little thinner in 4 months!) to sooth him but he didn't talk. Once I took my hand away he took it back in his hand and held it. Eventually the kids came out and he straightened up. He said he would be over today (my early day at work) to put the xmas stuff in the attic (and we will show S11 how to do it). And since he hates the insulation he said he will bring clothes so he can immediate shower and we could all go to IHOP - S11 always bugs to go it is his favorite place. I said that would be very cool. It is the little things in life like that that cheer me up. Very little effort. I may perhaps not ever have the relationship I would want but I have ALWAYS said I don't want to be the enemy and I don't see him as that. Dinner, movie, etc. We are still a family no matter how it seems.

I put it like parents. We fight with them constantly as kids and then move out. Our relationships with them improve when we don't have to live with them. (except him, huh? )

I'll keep you updated!

P.S. Someone in my Wednesday group coined a new phrase we all loved: Her "wasband". How funny!

it's amazing how things change when you least expect it,stay cautions, but I'm happy he's opened up a bit :).