Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis The Deal With The Devil

This post won't be what a lot of new posters will want to hear, but I feel I need to put this down.

My H is not coming back and my marriage is not going to be restored.

We have been in communication in the last few days. After nearly 3 years since his crisis began, he has definitely come out of it and is able to open up & try to help me understand as much as he's capable of explaining.

He is very sorry for what he did. He told me that he was unhappy in our marriage and he wanted something different, and he thought if he made things sound really badly (meaning, he had ow, how great it was, etc.) that I would run. I am almost ready to say he had an exit affair in order to repulse me enough to not want him anymore. It didn't work.

He acknowledges the pain he put me through, how sick I became during all of this, and is very sorry. He said he cannot imagine how I must have felt and he doesn't understand why he did all of this. He told me he was not in his right mind; that something made him change, and he was changing into someone who was not what I was used to. He's still trying to figure out what caused him to do all these things, throw everything away.

He said, "I have made my deal with the devil and now I am going to deal with the consequences."

He has stressed to me that he doesn't feel any of this was my fault; that I need to never again let it cross my mind that I did something to make all of this happen. This is what I have trouble understanding though; he still admits he was unhappy and wanted out, so something must have caused it.

He is now recognizing that his upbringing and lack of good role models in life with regard to marriage did not help matters. He actually brought this up to me. H's father left his mom for ow and married her. They are still together today. He is not close with her, or his mom.

He told me not to change. That I deserve to be very happy, and that I should find someone to be happy with. He told me he knows it is very hard, but to be patient; eventually I will find someone.

He told me that he never should have come home all those times, to have conversations with me about the ow; he said most of what he would tell me wasn't even true, but he thought if he could make it sound bad enough, I would run.

He misses all that we had; he said the good memories are worth keeping. He said I had no idea how much he wished he could go back in time and change what he did, but he cannot do that. He also cannot live in the past, nor should I. He said it's been 3 years; we cannot continue to live this way much longer. We discussed a divorce. He believes it is for the best.

He says he doesn't think he could ever be happy again with me, because "this" will always overshadow all the good years we had. He said, "You don't want to see me, trust me. I am a mess. It will always be in the back of your mind. You should find someone who you don't have to look at and wonder what the hell they did to themselves for the last 3 years." He is not in a stable living situation right now and has lost everything.

He did not say anything to me about how he felt about me now. I did not ask. What I do know is that he isn't in this crisis anymore, although he is still depressed for sure.

He very much wants me to let go of any blame I have, move on and find another man to share my life with. He told me not to think he was waiting for someone else to come along that he would be better to; that wasn't what this was about. Mostly all he does is work; he said he has no life. (of course, I am not there, I do not know how he spends his time)

I post this because I want my journey here to have a conclusion, even if it isn't what I intended when I joined. I think it is important to show that many of these men do come out of this crisis, but that doesn't equate reconciliation. My H will never be capable of being with me because of his guilt.

I did cry a lot last night, but I knew I would have to face this sooner or later. I feel so badly for us, because all I ever wanted was to put this back together. Neither of us has filed yet, but I am quite certain that he will look into it soon. He just wants me to go on, he said. He ended his last email by saying he did not want my pity or for me to be worried about how to help him; that he will deal with it himself.

Hopefloats....Im so sorry....but is this really the end....or maybe just the beginning?? Maybe him finally opening up to you could be a good thing...

I dont know...just trying to find a bright side to this.

Take care.

Thank you, kissak. That is so nice of you. I think the bright side is that he is being honest and telling me he thinks us parting ways is best. Funny enough, all along he told me he wasn't coming back, and then over the last year he would say he had too much guilt. I guess there are some things that have remained consistent.

Its really sad they wont man up..yes divorce is the path of least work given where he is right now...guilt yes..dont forget pride......if he was to try and fix this , it would require him to be humble, to walk in humilty..I think it is a character issue .....sorry I am just numb at all the destruction I have lived and read about here, I had no idea, this is the way people treat who they promied to love and cherish and let no man put asunder.....whatever, cheap words , nor repentance and no one has any fear of God and his word anymore

You never know what God has planned though....you never know.

AND graceallday...I do fear God greatly. I also fear what is going to happen when My H and all these others stand before God one day.

kissak...I did not mean the LBS dont fear God...it just seems most of the WAS dont........I think they are on that wide road and its sad they just dont care and are living for today and not even thiking about the legacy they will live behind

Hope, So sorry. I just want to tell you, and I hope this doesn't add to your sadness, I got a lot of this speech. I am still not divorced. I saw it as an easy out and did not accept it.

I have been at this a lot less time and am not as knowledgeable as some here, but it just doesn't sound real to me.

Grace and dignity. There you have it folks.
The best to you Hope. You are a sweetie,
Holly

I know what you meant graceallday....just wanted to let you know there are people who do still fear God...sometimes I wonder about people, not just people with marriage problems....I agree with you, it is so sad that people are living for just today, knowing there is an eternity out there after this life....

take care

It would be much easier from his standpoint if you did walk away and find someone else so he does not have to face you and remind himself what he has done.

However, he will be haunted by this the rest of his life regardless of who he is with.