Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy I'm New Please Help Me Deal

At first I thought it was me. Maybe I did something to make my H have an A. I know now that I did nothing. All I'm guilty of is loving him for the past 15 years. I stayed home while he was on the road taking care of our child, who btw was born a preemie (he's a normal happy and healthy 8 year old now). When he first came home from the hospital, 2 months after he was born I wasn't able to go anywhere with him. So I stayed home took care of him the house, the laundry etc. While my H went out and lived a single life. It's all up to him now. He knows what he's done to us but is still saying he is confused. He dosen't know whether to go or stay. Therapy was intense last night. I finally got out a few things but we are in the same place we were in before he told me about the A. My therapist says to stop being nice and let him decide what it is he wants to do. At least now I'm a little bit more prepared for it. That dosen't mean I won't be hurt but I don't think he can hurt me anymore than he has already. Now it's a wait and see game but until he starts being a husband to me I will not be a wife to him. There is nothing more I can do and I won't let him treat me this way any longer. I do know that the ow meant nothing to him and she lives in another state where he dosen't go anymore but I'm done. He's pushed to far and he'll be the one that will wake up one day and realize what he threw away and by that time it will be too late.Hopefully he'll come to his senses before that can happen. So, can you all tell at this moment how angry I am . Let's see how I will feel tomorrow....NikkiNY

Well, yesterday I was angry and today I just feel so so sad. I'm pretty sure H is going to leave. He won't admit it yet. I told him if he has made his decision then to please pack up before he goes on his golf weekend and don't come back. I know this trip isn't to see AW, he is going with married friends of ours. They do this once a year. He said he's been trying to do some soul searching. He went and sat in central park yesterday then went to church. He said he hasn't made a decision and if he decides over the weekend then he'll pack up next week. Yipee, he can do it next week on our 15 year anniversary. I have to let him go. I can't live another day like this. Just needed to vent.

Hi Mikki,
My husband finally left after three months of nothing but fighting. He has been gone for 6 weeks now. Although I am extremely upset and lost since he left, in a way, it is almost better. I could not take his nasty attitude and coldness any longer. I never knew what to expect when I or he came home. At least now I know it will be quiet when I get home. I am hoping that the time away will make him see that he does truly love me and want to be with me. I go from angry to sad also sometimes from 1 hour to the next. I guess it is normal. Just hold on and try to be strong. We can do this! Take care.
Rachel

Hi Rachel55, Thankyou for your words. That's exactly how I feel. Today has just been awful for me. I am filled with so much anxiety. My H hasn't left yet but I'm sure by this time next week he will be gone. I just can't live like this any longer. The worst is still yet to come. I have to stand by helpless as my son is about to have his world crumble around him. I'm hoping that is where I will draw my strength from. I have wonderful friends who will stand by me and get me through this. I just hate the way I feel and wish all this pain would just go away. Even with all the friends and family I have I still feel so very alone. I'm sure you know what I am talking about. I'm so sorry for your pain aswell. Nobody should have to feel this way...NikkiNY

Hi Nikki,
I know it's just killin' you to go through this, wondering whether or not he will leave and if so, WHEN...
But you can't focus on it, you have to focus on you and your son. It seems your husband plans to make his choice no matter what you say....
I think you should DB and act loving, yet don't ask/pressure him to leave or make a decision.
It'll be hard to do, but it'll make you feel better and he'll notice that and it will be contagious...

Hellooooo! Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? If not, run, don't walk to your nearest bookstore or library and pick up a copy pronto!!! Read the whole thing and read the chapter on infidelity over and over. Marriages do not have to falter because of infidelity. You have a lot to learn about the process of healing from betrayal. If you don't know what to do, you can push your husband away. And maybe he's already decided to leave, but when emotions are flaring, decisions can change. You can always get divorced. Make sure you leave no stone unturned. There is lots you can still do. Go read the book so you know the questions to ask.

I'm glad you found your way here. There's more to be learned.

Michele

I'm actually in a good place today. Thanks Michele for writing to me. I am going to get the book. I have heard wonderful things about it. My H and I did a lot of talking last night and today. I told him he is borderline for a mental breakdown. He cries a lot when we talk. I think he feels so incredibly guilty that he dosen't know what's right anymore. Anyway, he left for his golf weekend and I told him for the last time that I love him with all my heart and soul, that I want us to have a life together and raise our child together but I can't allow him to treat me this way anymore. I know for a fact that if he leaves here he will still be miserable. I for the first time through all of this feel like I have a little bit of control again. I told him my son and I will be here waiting for him to come home. Thursday is our 15 year anniversary. I told him we could start over again and have a very happy life together. But until he can forgive himself and look me in the eyes and tell me he truly loves me I can't forgive him. I don't know what will happen when he comes home on Tuesday night but I do know that I'll be ok...NikkiNY

I'm glad you are sounding better.....
I hope your husband makes the right choice and that he will rededicate himself to the marriage.
Try to have a good weekend and have some fun with your son......

I really feel for you. You have been betrayed, and I am sure you have experienced a lot of confusion since. Look carefully at your comments "Everything I've ever know to be true has been a lie. We have always had a great marriage, or so I thought" That is too pervasive and permanent. What your husband did was wrong - no question, but put it all in perspective. Our society puts so much emphasis on fidelity, which I believe is rooted in chauvinistic attitudes regarding control over women (I am a male).
The perspective to keep is that you have a husband that loves you, you love him, he values the family and the marriage. Someone who does something wrong is not a bad person. Good people make mistakes and sometimes more than once. My wife wants to leave me and break up our marriage over an affair that I didn't have. My mistake was kissing another woman one night while both of us were highly intoxicated. After she informed her firends, one of them told her of some rumors she had heard. The rest of them told her to leave me. We have been seperated a year now. It is miserable, and both our ten year old daughter and I are being punished.
You will get angry, but resist the urge to punish and try to find it in your heart to forgive. Ask him how you will be able to trust him again. Ask him how he plans to re-earn your trust.
Whatever you do, don't give up. We live in an age of disposable marriages where very little in our society promotes keeping marriages together. We all suffer because of it. Children pay the real price. This is an opportunity to fix and make your marriage strong and better. Read Michelle's books. Also read a book by Martin Seligman called Learned Optimism. It is not about marriage, but about life in gen. and how we look at things can determine the outcome. Knowing what little about your sit. from your posting, you will be a better person for making it work and so will your marriage. The easiest thing to do is to quit. One day you will look back and be proud and happy that you stuck it out.

Mark....Just read your post and felt that I needed to reply. I pretty much agree with the things you said. Yes,there is a lot of emphasis placed on fidelity but I think that is a good thing. When a couple resites their marriage vows before God they promise each other and God that they will "forsake ALL others until death we do part". I took those vows very seriously and for nearly 32 years my H did too. He had an A (won't go into all the details but you can check back where I posted on INFILDELITY/JEALOUSLY and PIECING). I discovered the A when it had been going on for 4 months. Confronted him and he immediately called the OW and told her that he had never stopped loving me and that he was committed to fixing our R and that their A was over. Why did I forgive him? I loved him too much not to. We had too many wonderful,happy and loving years behind us to just throw them away because he screwed up. Yes,infidelity is a horrible thing to do to someone and there are a lot of people who just can't get over it or forgive. I honestly feel that if the love is still there,if you are committed to working out your problems and if the straying partner is sincerely sorry for the pain and hurt (ahd he/she is doing everything they can to show they are sorry and show that they can be trusted) the marriage can survive and even become stronger. I believe that infidelity is a sin but it is a forgivable sin.(after all God forgives us all for our sins so how could we not do the same) You have to be strong to forgive and then be even stronger while learning to get over it and put it behind you. It does seem like that in this day and age it is too easy to just give up and get divorced when something goes wrong in your marriage. Too many people just feel that they can't handle infidelity and some won't even try to make things work. If a problem arises in the marriage some people will have an A instead of communicating with the partner and trying to work the problem out. That is the "easy way" out of trying to escape your problems (that is what my H did). Communication is a MUST in a successful marriage. We had stopped communicating but now I am happy to say that we are back on track. We talk a lot more and we both made changes in the way we do things and in the way we treat one another. It takes 2 people to make a marriage and it takes 2 people to keep it going. I am sorry to hear that your W left and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and will be hoping that things work out the way you want them to. pfroglady