Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Tostada Nearing the Hot Oil

woogs....that's total craziness.

She doesn't think you can sustain it. Almost all of them say that. Even the books mention that. Think of it as, can you be cool enough to last long enough to get beyond when she will believe the changes are real. She is scared you will revert back to whatever was so painful that she had to tear up her family for. The changes do become real after a while. You will not have to sustain the changes, they will become you.

Now, can you sustain putting up with the pain, that is hard. One day at a time brother. Look at this way, you are screwed either way. You can be in incredible pain with a chance to save your marriage OR you can be in incredible pain knowing you didn't give your all. Both suck hard but one gives you a chance to keep your wife and family.

Ain't life grand?

Interesting exchange yesterday between W and me. She emails me asking if it's o.k. for her to go out of town on 2/13 and if it fit into my schedule.

I just replied that the only think on my schedule was a hearing in court that my best friend that I truly adore is trying to have me kicked out of my house.

I guess she had forgotten that the petition she filed to have me out of here had a hearing date of 2/13. That blew me away. And, on the same day, I got an update on the D papers that had to be re-filed, because she had our wedding date incorrect on those.

So...she replies back. "Oh....we don't have to go to court if you want to agree on something. I know you don't want to live apart...but this might be the thing that will make me feel differently. All of those people talked about how after 6 and 9 months they felt differently...We don't have to sign papers right away...just have space. I am asking you...please..."

This is crazy. She is referring to the articles I gave her off this site. She has been reading them and I know she took them to work this morning. I think she wants space to date and screw these weirdo's at work. Thats what "space" means to me. That would be the end of it for me, her dating and sleeping around. I dont think I could handle that. She just wants me to agree to her needs, which is for me to leave. Not happening.

The thing is, our relationship drastically improves when we spend time together. I have totally figured this out. Every time we have gone out to dinner - whatever, we become closer. And many of those times its physical. So, I dont think the answer for us to get closer is to be apart. The answer is for us to spend more quality time together. Problem is, thats not what she wants right now. She wants to see if there is someone better than me out there for her.

Anyway, I never responded to her about this. She has been very nice to me since last weekend, even starting converstations. That is different. And, last night she apologized that I had made dinner and our kids were busy...we had a bunch of snow and they hooked up with friends. She had said she was sorry this happened and wanted to know if I was mad about this....I wasnt, but it was a bummer to make all this dinner and eat by myself.

It sounds like your W is pretty confused.

Have you ever heard of a "Healing Separation"?
Here's an article about it: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Alberti1.html

Maybe you could agree to some ground rules for separation since she seems quite adamant about being apart.

Just a suggestion...

Peace,
B

Tostada, I hear what you are saying about the space thing. I don't understand it either...but I guess it doesn't matter what we want right now, it's all about them. Here is a classic my wife laid on me during our supper date on Saturday night (I just remembered for some reason). It goes something like this; if you would have left when I originally told you (dropped the bomb) I am sure I would have been scratching the walls and we would be back together today. My response (and i am not proud of it) what kind of bullshit is that?
You and I are so similar in our thinking and reactions it is weird. I have made changes because I realized that I was not exactly the best friend to her, however, even though she recognizes the changes, she can not say let,s try to make this work. I have another theory...I do not know if your wife has told her friends that she is getting separated....maybe they want that separation to save face with their entourage.
Anyhow, I sense some softening in both or wives positions....don't know if it will last though.
Good luck to you.

I just burst out laughing when I read that - Probably not a good thing to do at work :-)

I felt like saying that to my W last night during our 'conversation'.

Classic. I so wanted to say that Sunday to my W. I went outside to shovel snow so I wouldn't say something like that.

Unfortunately, while very funny, I doubt it helped (now I'm sounding like Phil or COG or someone who actually knows what they are talking about).

I have heard that same line...if you would have moved out a long time ago and given me space, perhaps this would all be solved by now. You just wont give me what I have have wanted all along..your constantly monitoring me, looking over my shoulder, etc"..

I havent been monitoring her at all recently...she's pretty forthcoming with info if I dont ask.

I have read through that 'Healing Separation' a few times. W admitted the other day that we have been totally emotionally separated from each other. Her wall has been pretty thick. She has admitted that she really cares for me, is upset that she's hurting me, and that we are very good friends. Put two and two together there and you can see she just wont let herself accept it yet what she feels for me. She wants to shut off those feelings to see if she can experiment with them elsewhere.

I have thought much about her 'saving face' with all her friends, my friends, and our families. I think it could be tough for her to do this. But, I have told her that time heals everything, everyone is rooting for us, and that she would be perceived as a much stronger woman for fighting for her marriage than running from it. Regardless of what our friends opinions are, I think saving face is easy because they are rooting for us and they will accept her back in a heartbeat. They all think she is in 'alien' mode too. Perhaps we (family, friends, me) are all having our picnic and she's sort of peering out the window. But in that room of her are all her alternative friends. She may need each of them to drown in the moat so she can come back to reality.

I'm sticking to my premise that I hang in the house. She is WAW and she should take the responsibility and make the sacrifice to leave. Thats my position....

Guys, I am glad you got a chuckle out of it.....I think we should be doing more of that (laughing I mean). You guys are right it probably did not help the sitch but it did help me a little. I read some posts from veterans like Phil and COG etc and i realize that it is so not me. It takes a boat load of effort for me to think this way. I have to admit though that i think we are all improving. Tostada and I seem to be lagging a little behind.
One final thought, I think our WAWs deserve alot more lip than what we have been giving them.....I am really impressed at some of the restraint I read about on these boards and it has helped me a great deal.....but every once in a while I tend to loose it a tad.

I was just doing some work and another dreaded date approaching..


what to do for Valentines Day?

not sure I will do much since she ignored my 40th bday recently.