Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? choices

Do you meant that?

If you do, you know what step one is. Until you do that, as Amy said, there's not much for it. Not many good marriages have three people in them

All you other details are just rationalization to make you feel good. What do you want?

Sorry if that all sounds harsh. You will find incredibly supportive people here. More than you can even imagine. But they won't lie to you, and they will tell you when you are wrong. If you really want your marriage, I think it can be saved. But you have to decide. You won't find a person here that thinks you are doing the right thing now.

Thanks jeff, I want ppl to be harsh and steer me in the right direction. This forum is really helping me realize some things I would have other wise not thought about, which is what i wanted. I am going to talk to W and see where that gets me. She will come home any time I ask her 2, she loves me beyond words, I feel like a fool for not realizing women like that are hard to find now days. I am gona cool things down with OW for a while and focus on what I want and what it would take 4 me to be happy in my M if there is a way. Then I will talk to W and make a final decision on D....... Does this sound like the right thing to do?

Ok, here is what I read....
Cool things down with OW....means you keep her as plan B? Is that fair to her? Is that fair to W? Is that fair to your kids?

If you want to save your marriage, contact with OW should stop. Completely stop. IF she can't understand that that is necessary to save your marriage, think about what that says about both of you.

While you are thinking about what you need to be happy in your marriage, I would suggest spending as much time thinking about what your W needs to be happy in your marriage. Because I don't think she has been getting it either. Then work together, quite possibly with some counseling, quite possibly a lot of it. From the tiny bit of your story I know, I think there are a lot of issues that need to be resolved. If you can't do counseling, there are people here that may be able to lead you through. This is going to take a while, it isn't a two week fix.

So, what do you really want? I don't think you have come close to really examining that question. Think on it a while. Don't shoot from the hip, or say what you think people want to hear.

Also, before you talk to your wife, know what you want, and know what you are going to say. Bounce it off the folks here. Your situation is a bit (ok, a lot) different than most, but there are some smart folks here, who will help if you listen.

It sounds really tough but the OW will have less and less to offer in the long run. I only know this from my family experience. The OW may have to be a step parent eventually and yes, there are success stories but it is ideal to have both parents together. I was also a lot like your W and boy, was my H's affair a wake up call! I am also dating yet dumping the man who offered what my H could not but he is too bad to have around my kids so what is the point. Although I love my H I am not attracted to him so I get your point there. If there was a way to rebuild trust, open communication, a get that fire lit, you may be headed on the right path back to your marriage. It is very possible.

that's pretty much what everyone who has an affair says.

It did not "just happen".

you chose to pursue a relationship with another woman.

How about owning responsability for your own choices?

I suspect there are a few more things in that category. But I think it would be helpful for your own growth, if you started with that one.




they dont have a chance to, until you leave OW.

I'm sorry to hear about the mess of your first marriage. and the prior wife's affair in your current one.





as your wife... dont you at least owe her the chance for her to try?

... make a final decision on D
===================
what's the rush? you can just decide on being separated for the time being, dont' make life altering decisions right now (D), trust me, you are not ready for that and you might regret it.

I am gona cool things down with OW for a while
==============================
So ow does know you are still M with 4 kids?, what a gem you've found. I'm even tempted to say you are her rebound R, that since she's D now she is looking for a "kindred" soul. It is very very deceiving of you towards ow to not let her know you do want your M to work and that you love your W, because, if ow has any soul/morals she'd leave you alone if she knew this.
As long as you keep ow orbiting around you your M you won't have much chance.

Find a good councelor today and make an appt., I see lots of hope for your M.

You cannot truly work on your marriage unless you GIVE UP the OW. Not cool things down, I mean GIVE UP!
You have the potential to change your marriage. But, you cannot work on your marriage if you have a "back-up plan" that involves an OW. YOU CANNOT!
You're not being fair to your kids, your wife, or even the OW. You are just plain being selfish.
Pull your head out and man up to your family.

hope you are thinking long and hard... it takes a lot of courage to leave the op, I'm sure it won't be easy but once your mind clears of the op-cow webs you will do much better. Hope things work out for you and your W.