I'm not going to have the affair under any circumstance because I believe it is wrong, but I do feel so damn lonely sometimes that I am craving the touch and intimacy of another.
As for the ring, I play with mine constantly as well and I really am torn to whether or not I should leave it on.
The W has hers off and I still dutifully wear mine. I'm really torn here, but I appreciate everything this community has to offer all of us when we are struggling.
Keep going strong and I hope to hear from you soon.
I took mine off because I view our wedding rings as a symbol of our love and COMMITMENT to each other. So long as she was actively carrying on an affair, lying to me about it, refusing to end contact, and then taking HERS off, there was no "commitment" at that point, and so I took mine off, too.
Once she ended it with him, and began reconciliation, I immediately put mine back on.
Have you talked to her about it, and told her how much it upset you? I told my wife that out of everything she did (and some of it was pretty tawdry), this hurt me more than anything.
She knows how much her EA has hurt me and how much her not wearing her ring stings.
In fact, we bought her a new ring right after Christmas so she wouldn't have to go back to the "old ring and the old marriage." At that time, I told her I would have no problem with her buying a new ring, but I want her to be proud to wear it. I let her know that there would be no use buying it if she wasn't proud to wear it as my wife.
We bought it and it is now back in the box in her dresser.
I'm really thinking of taking my ring off as well. I don't want to return to my old marriage either and I may need to remove the ring to help me remember where I've been and where I'm going.
I still wear mine, even though my W took hers off nearly 7 months ago. I view it as a symbol of the covenant I made not only with my W but also with God.
I told my W that I still believe in M, and that I don't believe in D. For me to take my ring off now, prior to an actual D, would send a signal to her that I no longer have these convictions, which would be an inconsistency that would only solidify her low opinion of my integrity.
The other reason, and this goes right along with the above sentiments, is that removing the ring sends a signal to everyone including my W that I am now available to others -- when I am just not. Until a D becomes final, it is not so. Not for me, anyways.
Believe me, there are times when I am soooo frustrated and feel so much despair that I want to rip the ring off my finger and toss it a million miles away -- but then I always remember my other reason: my commitment is to my family, my S's, as well as to my W. This ring symbolizes that. What would I say to my children some day?
I struggled with the wedding ring issue because prior to the affair and his filing for divorce, my husband had stopped wearing his ring... and this went on for a quite a few years.
This was my "issue" in the marriage because at that time I had felt rings were an important symbol for the marriage and he had lots of excuses for not wanting to wear one. i.e. lots of men don't, it's just a ring, maybe when the marriage gets better and I've made the changes he wanted to see.... etc...
Of course, now I realize he was indicating availablity, and he really did not want to commit to the marriage. There were times I'd wear my ring hoping he might put his back on. I wore it because I was 'standing for my marriage.' And then other times I felt very sad and disappointed and took it off (hoping it might change things).
Although, one thing I will say, even the times when I didn't wear it, I never indicated any "availablity" to other men. I just didn't put out those vibes, and basically ignored or bushed off any advances.
Now, when he filed for divorce and moved out (and left his ring in his dresser drawer... the only thing in it....). Then I stopped wearing mine and I even put out "the vibes." Not that I would have ever acted on any of them. But I found talking, and a bit of flirting-- never serious, was a lot of fun, and it helped me realize that if the divorce did go through, there would be life out there. I could be happy without my husband. My first choise was my family and my husband, but if he was too blind to realize what a great thing he was loosing, well, I'd eventually create a great life without him.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks for the post because I'm really struggling with the ring thing.
On one hand, I'd love to remove it to show her I'm strong enough to be on my own. However, if I do this, what would my motivation be? For myself or to get her to react? I'm afraid it would be for the reaction.
On the other hand, I want to be committed to my marriage and show my committment by leaving my ring on. I think it is confident and strong, but I'm also worried it will paint me as a push-over in my W's eyes.
I guess my real struggle is do I really care what reaction I get from my wife or not? If I do care abour her reaction, then I'm not taking it off for me, but for her.
If I can answer this question, I should have my answer, I think.
You have helped me out tremendously. That is the answer I need to discover. Thank you. I guess it is what I thought all along.
runningoutoftime --
I think I can be confident with the ring still on and I'm convinced that right now, taking it off would be done to motivate my wife instead of motivate me. Thus, I can't remove it and instead I just need to be proud of the committment I'm making to my marriage.
As for my situation, my W is still in her EA with the guy at work (even though he rudely dumped her for a 22-year old student he is now living with), as she sees him regularly throughout the week and they text and e-mail at night and on weekends.
We are living in the same house, but I'm in the guest room. She has mentioned "one of us moving out" but I'm guessing she wants it to be me. I have done the leg work and I know where to go to get the best rental terms and price. She knows this information, but isn't acting on it. Thus, I'm sticking around and trying to be happy, give her space, GAL, and act "As If."
If she's unhappy why should you move out??? Gosh, let her do it. I really don't understand the idea of the person wanting to save the marriage leaving. If anything it just seems enabling. You are also putting yourself in a potentially weak position if this leads to divorce.
Does she, or can she, pay full rent/mortgage where you live now? If not, unless you don't mind paying for two places, I wouldn't move out.
Also, one more thing to consider, moving out can affect custody if this leads to divorce. (And don't expect any goodwill or rationality from your spouse if you get to that point. There's a chance she'll claim you moved out and "abandoned" your marriage and child).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
