Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again How do I begin piecing??

Thanks Michelle and Cat.

No, I wouldn't call OW. Been there done that...I know from experience it only makes things worse. ...Doesn't mean the urge to do it isn't there though.

It is a very good sign that he put the money down. I have tried to backoff. The only time I have talked to him since he left was I sent him a text to see if he made it home. I was getting frustrated because he hadn't called. I wanted to call but didn't. I am trying to detach again. I thought I had....but he sucked me back in.

Anyway he called today and apologized for not calling. He said his battery on his phone has been screwed up. He is trying to get a job at the place I work (don't worry, it is a huge place and I would NEVER see him while at work). When he called today his question to me was "So, if I don't get that job am I still moving back there?" I told him that was his decision. He said "Well, I want your input". I told him of course I wanted him to move here. I am finding out this is a slow process.

very, don't hold your breath and prepare for bumps along the way.

The thing is, he told me he wanted to move at MY pace. He doesn't think he deserves another chance and says he can't expect anything from me. For example, when he came home at Thanksgiving we met up and I said "do I not get a hug?" He said "yes, but I wasn't sure if you wanted me to." He is so afraid that I don't want anything that he won't initiate anything. He actually had stayed the night with me already about 4 nights so I didn't see anything wrong with asking for one more night. Granted, when he said no I should have let it go. I am working on that.

I agree that I should stop trying to solve things for him. This is a problem I have always had with H. I come to his rescue. It has been that way since day one. I am working on that too.

klm, i have not followed your post except for this one. the trust issue and feeling the need for H strikes a chord with me. I also don't know if I can ever trust H again (well, my H supposedly is still contacting OW via phone/email but I really don't know and he said he needs to end this slowly)

Anyway, just want to give my support. It appears that your H's timeframe is a bit short, so be prepared if he wavers a bit. Otherwise, the patience part is the toughest, not asking questions. I am struglling a lot with this. Take care.

Well, my H has never admitted to A. Even after I found out he was living with her he still denied it. He says they are just friends. A couple of months ago he said he has no reason to lie to me about it and since I couldn't let it go it would almost be easier to just tell me he was having an A to get me to stop asking. This was when he was still set on D (The D has since been put on hold). I am not sure whether or not to believe him. Whether it is a PA or not though it is still an inappropriate relationship and he doesn't seem to understand that. At this time he is still living with her.

I agree that the time frame is short. I am prepared for him to waver as he already has a bit. Patience is very hard. Not asking questions isn't too hard for me, mainly because I am afraid of the answers. I would rather address my questions in counseling.

Ok, for some reason H's mail is coming to me. I had my mail forwarded and now they are sending me his too. He already told me that he pays all his bills online so I could just throw away his mail. Well...his phone bill came today. It is taking every ounce of strength I have not to open it. He talks like him and OW aren't really talking but I really would like to see if he is still talking to her like he was. The only thing that has stopped me so far is fear of what I will see...hours and hours of talking and dozens and dozens of texts. I know it will set me back. I am just so curious and it is right there in front of me. Should I look or should I just trust?

If you look and they are talking, what will it fix? Will it make you decide that there's no hope for your R? If you still want to try, then it doesn't matter what's on the phone bill. If so, I vote shred it before you give in.

And look at all the preaching I have done to you about looking at myspace!! See...easier said than done.

You are right looking won't fix anything. The thing that I'm torn about is maybe it does mean there is no hope if he is still lying. I want to work on it but I can't just turn a blind eye if things are still going on with her. How will I ever know if it is really over? I will hold off on looking for now...not sure if I can shred it though!

If you are never supposed to look then how do you ever begin trusting again. I feel like he is going to have to prove it to me by showing me things like phone bills and emails.

It's always easier to give advice than take your own lol. One of the great ironies of life sometimes.

You two are still pretty early into the R phase and you said your H has done some wavering. If they are still talking, even if it's not as much, it may be a safety net for him in that he feels like he has someplace to go back to if you two can't work things out. I've looked at a lot of posts about affairs and people often say that the WAS didn't break off the PA/EA completely until they'd been working on R for a few months because of their fears and insecurities.

I think you have two problems here since you two have such different perspectives. If he sticks to his story that they're just friends, he doesn't see anything wrong with their R yet so he would see any reaction by you as jealous and irrational? Second, if he hasn't said they're not talking, then (in his mind) he's not actually lying to you? Just a thought.

I can't really remove the temptation with myspace other than deleting my account and losing touch with a lot of my HS and college friends, which is something I can't do to myself. But I would love to be able to remove the temptation of looking at his stuff. I wish there was a shredder for that right now lol. Plus, you might get the one next month anyways lol.

As for him showing you things, I also feel like I would have every right to ask and see those things as well. And he will need to prove you can trust him. But he may not be ready yet. Sometimes talking is not enough and time is the best thing for healing.

Hey Michelle, you are absolutely right. H has done some wavering but I think part of it is because he doesn't know what I want. I am not sure. Also he has the whole not having a job thing going on since he just got out of the AF.

The thing is that I KNOW he is talking to her...he is still LIVING with her!! There are three of them in the house together. The only thing he has said about the situation is that he has been hanging out with people he thought he had a lot in common with but he has since found out that they are losers with no direction in life. He has stuck to the story that they are just friends since day one. He said that even when things were REALLY bad between us. I saw some text messages in the beginning that would suggest they are more than friends...he didn't do to good explaining those.

I do have to learn to be more patient. It would just be so much easier if he was HERE. I just don't see the point if he doesn't make that leap to move here.