Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives I just want to make it better. . .

Thanks for bolstering me up, you guys! I know - it really does help to see that others are thinking and feeling the same things. It sometimes makes me feel less alone, sometimes validated, sometimes more clear about my own jumbled thoughts. The MLC and WAS partners have their scripts and we LBS have ours.


I thought about trying to spend time together, but he has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to. I'm afraid to initiate, b/c when I have done so, he declines. This is a man who didn't tell me he was having surgery, refused to celebrate his b'day with me, did not want to see me over the holidays (altho he thought he was staying connected b/c he stopped my office for 15 minutes at 2:30 on Christmas eve with a gift), doesn't call to say "thinking of you" and generally doesn't acknowledge my rare voice or text messages. He came over on Monday specifically to tell me that he was ready for D and that was the first time I had seen him in over 3 weeks. It would be a 180 at this point for me to invite him to spend any time with me, but I can't deal with the rejection.

I don't want to sound negative, but that's where I am.

I did have some clarity today when I was thinking that this all makes me feel so unimportant to him and then "aha" - I remembered that one of the problems that developed for me in our M was feeling like a low priority to him. Not that I need to be doted on or the center of attention, but he used to make me feel like I mattered and he needed me. I'm not sure how I lost that - I must have failed to nuture his caring and I wish I could do a lot of moments over. But, anyway, the "aha" was how much my issues in the M are reflected by the way he is proceeding in this separation - just hugely magnified.

I am thinking of writing him a letter, but again, I'm afraid of pressuring him.


In my case, I think this is just an appeasement to not feel like a jerk - or to convince himself that this choice is less damaging b/c it may be reversible if he changes his mind later.

My plan is to go to bed early tonite, take a Unisom and hopefully actually sleep thru the nite, and then work on my PMA.

Today I had an atty consult b/c I wanted to figure out my options while in this limbo state. I would like to sell our house and move closer to work and just generally wanted to know what to expect. I explained that I hope to work things out and don't want to D and don't want to file anything. She had her routine intake process and was just kind of following that process - get a financial overview and then talk about how the divisions of assets might work out. The whole tone of the thing kind of put me off. Then, after I said something about not filing, she said that "sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop isn't a very grown up thing to do." I was astounded. Not only that someone I had just met and talked to for only about 15-20 min would talk to me like that, but also at the insulting judgement implied. Here I am thinking that my commitment is one of the most mature things I've ever done and this stranger is accusing me of being childish. But, I wonder if any D atty would be more supportive. They see a lot of the worst of people. . . . But, this is also one of the reasons why people get so cutthroat in D.

I think you should find someone else....the person I'm working with couldn't be any nicer...I think we should get married.

If I could find an atty I wanted to marry, this might turn out Ok!

Just kidding!

We had winter storm here yesterday with predictions of ice and power outages. H called to ask if I needed help to set up kerosene heaters in case I had no heat. I'm not good at taking help and I hate thinking of him driving around on bad roads. For him to come to house means lots of extra driving and his work car is inadequate for our roads. So, we did the usual dance of "it's up to you", "no, it's up to you." Finally, I thought - this man is offering to go out of his way to do something nice for you, be grateful and take it and let him feel good about it! When I got home, he had gotten the heaters out for me and wrote me illustrated instructions on how to start and stop the darn things. I called him later on - naturally, I got vm, so I just left a msg that said I appreciated it and, altho I do pride myself on independence, sometimes it is nice to be taken care of. I said I hoped he was home safe and done driving for the day. I don't expect a response b/c I haven't gotten one in months.

So, overall I'm not reading much into it, but an act of service is a heck of a lot better than being totally ignored. I have so little interaction w/ him that each one means a lot to me as a chance to DB and I don't get much practice at it. I thought I shouldn't have hesitated to take his help, but that it was positive overall.

"Letting go means opening oneself to something else coming in." ~Chinese idiom The Chinese work "wang" can mean "to go" and "to come back". It is derived from the character meaning "master". Lao-tse, the ancient Chinese philosopher, suggested that true mastery in life is based on the ability to let go.

All of this is from a card that I purchased years ago during a difficult time in my life when another important relationship ended. At that time, my H came into the picture and I thought that everything had worked out for the best. H was much better suited to me than any other man I have ever been involved with.

I've been thinking a lot lately about this concept of mastery being based on the ability to let go. I'm not really sure how to reconcile it with commitment and loyalty.

Seek - Just checking in to see how you are doing?

X Dis

I'm ok - trying to focus on me and busy at work getting ready for a week-and-a-half trip to Florida to visit my parents.

I'm doing a lot of thinking and reflecting, but in a scattered way. Themes I've noticed between my reading, this board, and random sources are the benefits of:
- ritual
- gratitude
- journaling
and the concepts of visualization and the law of attraction ("the secret").
I'm reading a book right now called "Happiness" - it is kind of like a workbook. The authoris Tal Ben-Shahar. He is a professor at Harvard and his focus is positive psychology.

I think I might have a gone a week now without crying. Pretty good!

Well done Seek.

Enjoy your break, the change of scenery and air will do you good, more than you think. Does H know your away?

I've also been giving the rituals a lot more thought. More thought about creating more for my kids and creating 'memories' for them.

I haven't written in my journal for a while b/c i've had the time to do it here. But I cut out snipets and glue them into my journal.

I'm trying the 'act as if' and 'postive attitude' behaviour atm, especially as H seems to have become more distant recently.

X Dis