Quote I honestly feel that if the love is still there,if you are committed to working out your problems and if the straying partner is sincerely sorry for the pain and hurt (ahd he/she is doing everything they can to show they are sorry and show that they can be trusted)
I still love my H very much. I have always been committed to the marriage. It is he who dosen't know what he wants. He must come home tonight and tell me what it is he wants. I will not stand here and allow him to tell me once again that he doesn't know or will I stand to be hurt by him any longer. I told him he had this weekend to make his decision. If he can't come to one on his own then I have to tell him to leave. The way we have been living is not healthy for us or for my son. One minute he's putting his arms around me the next he's telling me he needs to leave to find out what it is he wants. I can't go on like this. He told me on the phone the last 2 nights when he called from his trip that he loves me. We'll see what happens when he comes home tonight.
Nikki, Your story sounds just like mine. My H went back and forth for several months. One day he was nice and sweet and affectionate, the next day he was cold and mean. I could not take it anymore with us living under the same roof. He would say that he should leave, but then never do it. Finally one night after a fight, he said it again. I told him that if that is what he wanted then he had to do it right at that moment, not when it was convenient for him. I could not keep having this same conversation. Of course, I had feelings of guilt - that I forced him to go. But I have come to terms with that. He wanted to go, so I let him. We are actually getting along better now. I am lonely and sad at home alone, but deep down in my heart I know this is better than the way we were living. I think the time apart is the only way he is going to know if he wants to stay with me.
I am sorry that you have to go through this ordeal also. Good luck, Rachel
Hi Rachel, I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. I'm saying a prayer for you that one day things will come together. Me on the other hand, I am not sure what is going on. H came home last night. Hugged me kissed me told me he wants to try. He wants to be a husband and a father. So where am I? That's what he's been saying for the past 6 months and then he has a mood swing. So here I sit waiting for that to happen again. I need to find the strength not to put up with it anymore. Of course I'm hoping I don't see those mood swings again, but I have to be prepared for it. He took the day off today and we are going to go to the gym together. Right now he is laying in bed recovering from his 7 rounds of golf in 4 days trip. Tomorrow is our anniversary. Not sure right now there is anything to celebrate considering I feel that the past 15 years was a fantasy in my mind. It's all up to him now so I guess I'll have to wait and see.
Nikki, There is one thing that I have been sure of during this whole process. It is that time is on our side. I have nothing but time right now. Time to sit and think about the future that I want for myself, time to give him to figure things out, and time to make myself a better person.
I will give H time until I have no more to give. I do not know how long that will take, but I am sure I will know when the time comes.
Your H will have many mood swings, like mine does. He need to just take it from where it is coming from (the alien!) and not take it personally. They need to figure things out for themselves.
Hi Rachel, I know what you mean about the time thing. It is very difficult as I'm sure you know. We had a nice day yesterday but I can feel something is missing. I'm not sure if it's always been this way or I'm looking for something more now. Last night he was on the phone with his Mom, I heard him say my son has a baseball game and that I have bowling. She must have asked him what we were going to be doing today because it's our 15 year anniversary. Usually I am the one who makes the plans but I don't feel like planning anything. He woke up this morning kissed me and said happy anniversary. When I got out of the shower he was gone and my son said Happy Anniversary Mom. I asked him how he knew because I haven't said a word about it and he said Daddy told me. My H has never been the one to make big deals over birthdays or anniversaries but I feel that he should be doing something about this one. He hasn't put his wedding ring back on and if he is ready to commit again then he should be wearing it. I don't know, maybe it's me now. Looking for something I've never had but want now because for the first time I am realizing that I've been missing it. I actually beleive him when he says he'll never have an A again. I think he would leave me before doing that to me again. I'm so tired Rachel, so tired of not feeling loved. I can't get the images out of my head of him with OW. I told him I needed him to constantly reassure me and I know it's only been a day since he made the decision to stay but I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I can't imagine him not being in my life but how much longer can I live this way, so unhappy. How do you do it? What do you think about when you think about your future? Are you and H communicating with each other right now? I know I'm full of questions I'm sorry, I know you are going through such an awful time too. I want the "alien" to go away and bring my H back to me...Nikki
Nikki, I have the issue with my H not wearing his wedding ring either. It makes me crazy! I am not sure what the point of that is. He told me that he does not need a ring to tell him that he is married. He says that he knows he is married. I asked him, then why don't you wear your ring. His answer is "I don't know." If I had a dollar for every time I have heard that over the last few months, I'ld be rich!
I honesty do not know at this point what my future holds. I think about it constantly. From the second I open my eyes in the morning until I fall asleep at night, H is on my mind. I guess I am trying not to think about the future right now. I take one day at a time, hour by hour. I get through by having a strong faith in God and in my ability to be a strong and independent woman. I am lucky that I have a very supportive family. My Mom has been there for me every step of the way since this started. I lean on her a lot. I am very afraid of the future and what my life will be like without H. It is very scary to think that all of the plans I had for my life are out the window.
I live in southern Bergen County NJ. I see the empty space in the skyline every day where the Twin Towers used to be. My Dad is a firefighter in Jersey City and was there on that horrific day just like your husband was, but my Dad arrived after the towers fell. I am sure that seeing that trama had something to do with your H's change in behavior. Has he ever had counseling for that? My H outright refuses any kind of marriage counseling, but he did have an appt with our priest this week. I am not sure exactly when it is/was. I guess I will find out soon enough.
Rachel, My H used the excuse that his ring was too tight on his finger. At first I'm sure that was true. Not anymore though, he goes to the gym regularly and is back to his old slim and trim self. I'm sure the ring fits him now. Tonight I am confronting him on it. What better time then on our anniversary.
We have both been in therapy, separately and together (same therapist for all). The falling of the twin towers just brought out what he had been doing all those years on the road. It made him question why he did what he did and his love for me. It brought out his guilt. Sometimes I look at him and I feel I could never live without him. He's been in my life for 23 years. Other times I look at him and I am disgusted at what he has done to us.
My friends and family know that we have been going through a rough time. Very few know about the A's. So, there have been no anniversary cards or wishes. I sit here now remembering 15 years ago today. I was so happy and now all I feel is lonliness and emptiness. God, this is the worst feeling in the world. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The sad thing is, is that there are so many of us out there right now feeling these awful feelings.
I wish for us Rachel, a happy ending one day. We deserve it. You try and have a good day too...Nikki
Hi Nikki, I was just wondering how you were doing today. Do you have any plans for the weekend?
I am in graduate school and need to work on a paper that is due in two weeks. I am so far behind because of this M problem. I have not felt like working on the paper. Now, I have no choice because it is due soon.
H called me last night to say, but I was not in my office so he left a message. I called him back this morning and asked if he wanted to come over this weekend for a visit. I'll let you know what happens when I hear from him. I am nervous that he will say no, but I will expect the worst just in case.
Hi Rachel, That is so great that you are in graduate school. What are you going for? I know how hard it is to concentrate on things so I am sure writing your paper must be agonizing.
You mentioned your H called you but you didn't finish the sentence. You said H called you to say...but you didn't say what. What kind of message did he leave? If he is still calling you that means he has not detached himself from you. My fingers are crossed that you will spend the weekend together.
As for me, I don't want to get my hopes up to high because I still don't trust my H with my feelings. He sent me flowers from work for our anniversary yesterday. Came home with a beautiful card telling me he will never take me or our marriage for granted again and for the first time with some meaning behind it told me he loved me. He took my son and I out to dinner and after we put my son to bed we talked a bit. He said he dosen't want to be without us and he knows now that it is because he loves me. That what he did all those years on the road was pretending not to be married because he didn't know if he wanted to be and now he knows for sure it's what he wants. I said to him I don't want pretending. If it's true and he's ready to commit himself again here is your wedding ring and that he should only put it on if he is absolutely sure, and he did. Of course I felt ecstatic at the moment but it's going to take a lot of time for me to be able to trust him again and he knows that. I told him I wish I didn't know about the A's and he said it will take time but I will get past the pain and he'll make sure of it. So, we'll see how it goes. I'm still nervous that the "alien" will pop out again but I have to be strong and walk away if and when it does.
Rachel, I so hope that everything will be good for you. Please keep writing to me as I will be here for you. You have been a wonderful support to me and I'm sure my "bad" days are far from being gone yet. Let me know what happens with H when you speak to him and get that paper done...Nikki
