Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again I think I feel smothered

I am glad to read that things are looking up, at least a little bit, for your M. Just move at whatever pace is comfortable for you. It will take a long time for you to feel fully comfortable again. And that is okay....

I really wish I didn't think about the OW so much. So many little things make me think about her and my H together. I am having a hard time trusting anything he says and does. I don't think he talks to her anymore but I feel like he is always comparing me to her. I feel so insacure about everything these last few days. It doesn't matter what he says I am analizing it. I don't know how to stop this. he is doing things right for the most part but I am not feeling the same for him that he says he feels for me. He did tell me that the A did not last for very long but any A is too much for me I guess. I just don't like being angry so often. I really hope this goes away. It's our anniversary on Thursday and I don't even want acknowledge it. As far as I am concerned we have not been M for a full 5 years yet. he was gone and not committed to our M for that time. I just can't bring myself to do anything for it. Maybe that is wrong, but it is how I feel right now.

So Valentine's / anniversary was okay. H took me out for dinner and then we came home. While I was picking our D4 up from the neighbor he lit a trail of candles from the kitchen to our bedroom. There were hearts on my bed and champange and the whole room was filled with candles. There must have been at least 100 of them. It was very sweet and thoughful of him to do. i wished him happy valentines day but I couldn't bring myself to say happy anniversary. I couldn't tell him "I love you" either. I'm just not there yet. i know it hurts him that I don't say it, but I just can't. he says it almost every day. I don't know if this is wrong of me, but I don't want to say something just for the sake of saying it. It would make him feel better but not me. Am I being unreasonable? I am feeling a little better with him being here but I still do not trust him. Everytime his cell goes off I always think the worst. I am hoping this will fade soon. Today he is out with his dad and I actually miss him a little. So i think that is a good sign. Anyway, just journalling a bit, trying to sort my head out.

Just thinking about you WAS32... I hope time has helped ease the pain and you are in a better place.

Thanks deauxlie. Things are okay. Still having trust issues and the whole sex thing seems to be a problem. But he tells me everyday that he loves me and that he has everything that he wants right here. Would love to believe him, just can't. We have been really busy with our business so that at least helps keep me occupied. At least I am able to not think about the A every waking moment. Sometimes I feel that I obsess over it and it drives me crazy. But all in all i think I am doing a little better. Haven't had much time to be in here journalling lately and I know I should be. It does help. I find that my H gets very jealous of me being in here so I have been trying to back off. I don't think that it has been helping me by not being in here. Guess we'll have to try to compromise. Anyways I hope evryone else is doing well.

LOL. I've got a compromise for him! Just kidding. I think they just want it all to go away and they fear we are here finding the magic potion recipes that'll make them get down on their knees, kiss our feet, buy us lots of guilt jewelry (still waiting for one of those diamonds that Kobe's wife got!), and pledge their neverending love and devotion. Oh yeah. We are. HA.

It's hard sweetie. So hard. Trust me on this though... it gets better.

For a while I had to choose to trust him every single morning. I had to have answers when he got home about the most bizarre moments of the past few years. I had to replace the memories he made while away with new ones that included me. I had to make some mistakes and see that he wouldn't bail...

You are not alone, WAS32, I was so very obsessed. It is still so raw for you now, but time (and learning about the super secret love potions) really, really eases the pain.

I'm glad he's reassuring you of his love for you everyday and that you're feeling a little better. As his consistent actions show you that you can trust him again, you'll take down some walls and let him into your heart again. Take all the time you need.

Hi Was32. I have moved from another forum to here. My H and I were separated for 6 months and he came home almost 2 weeks ago. We both have trust issues brought on by things we have both done. He left though and now that he's back it's hard for me to believe he is REALLY back for good and that some of the things he was doing is really over. Very difficult.

Anyway, I wanted to suggest a book that I have read, actually I am reading it again for the second time. It's called the Peacegiver and it is really wonderful. It's about repentance and atonement. It has really helped to bring me peace. My H has been reading it too which is great. I hope that my suggestion doesn't offend. Just wanted to offer something that has helped me alot.

OK ladies. I have a question from a husband that went through a MLC which ended in an EA. My W went through a rebuilding process for a while and then we seemed to be over the hump. Now its over a year later and she as completely shut me out. I think maybe she rushed back into things with us before she was really ready or she just can't get it out of her mind. Anyway, we are basically seperated in the same house. She doesn't want to leave because of the kids, but she says she doesn't love me anymore. I feel like she is mad at me and it all goes back to my EA.

Right now I am basically giving her space and showing her my changes are not going away. She has even said that the last 18 months, I have been the husband I should have always been. I see her love coming back from time to time, but its sporatic at best. Seems like she lets her guard down and we are good and then she puts it back up instead of letting go.

Any word of advice? I have never been more ashamed and disgusted with what I did. I never expected that I would have an EA until I found myself there. I have completely stopped all contact with them and have been dedicated to my marriage since then.

Help! I want us to be able to move on and grow old together....

Do you let her know how ashamed and disgusted you are with your actions?

The reason I ask is that I think you guys say it once and think we know. I also asked, because when I read that in your post it made me soften. It helps me when I am able to see my H's past behavior as a horrible mistake that he is ashamed of. I'm not your wife though....

I'll read your sitch when I get a chance, but I think you are absolutely right to believe she's angry.

My H and I were cuddling this morning before facing the day. I fell back asleep and woke up to see him shaving. I used to love to watch him shave. Do you know what the first thought to enter my mind was? "Why is he shaving before he goes to work instead of before he comes home to me?"

Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Welcome to my world.

Of course he has no idea that thought popped into my head. I'm ashamed to even admit it on a message board. But that's kind of my point. I trusted him with my heart for 18 years and he's shaken every belief I ever had. I even question whether it was trust or arrogance...

I know he's not having an affair. I'm positive. As soon as the thought popped into my head it was dismissed and gone. But it's THERE. It's there less than it used to be... but it's there.

Every Day.

We let go, SDog, we forgive. We even believe you are doing your best. There is still a crushed little girl inside, though, that wasn't enough and doesn't understand how the guy could break her heart and do something that can't be undone. Let her heal. Don't give up on her and let her heal.

I have done that, but I don't think she beleives me. Maybe I need to state that again....

I know she is angry! She is living for her right now, which I am happy with. She is being very independent and I like that for her, but she is to the point of leaving me to the side right now. I love her so bad and I want to make this up to her.

I am trying. The hard part for me is seing her everyday and not being able to love on her. I am so ready to be affectionate again, but I don't want to push it.

Thanks!!!