Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Wantlove - where are you ? Hope all is ok !

I guess it is always a case of the grass being geener over the septic tank! I can see that being shouted at might seem preferable to no contact. I, on the other hand, yearned to be left alone if that was all still he wanted to do after all this time.

however, I do see your point. He is clearly a Dropout, rather than a droplet [my h] or a drop-in - one who can't leave the other alone.

They all have to go through this, and some, the strong ones, find they can do it without contact, not even to spew venom at us [and don't knock it till you have tried it!].

Actually I think it is horrible for everyone here. I can't see a single sitch that I think - they are having a 'better' time during their spouses MLC. But initially I didn't think that. I envied those whose h's were always around, but now, no. I really don't. We used to phone, email and text all the time as well. Now I would need a stiff drink to read an email from him.

Sorry I can't be more constructive, Snodderly will have good thoughts for you on the 'why' which might help to make it bearable.

I'm not hurt by you, or anyone hear, but you must admit, the majority of people here have contact, even spewing, and struggle with the concept of NC - one that I have had no choice in the matter of.

I guess my insticnts to stay off the board was correct. Apparently, this medium isn't effective in getting my situation across, and I offend everyone in the process oif trying. I will continue to do everything I am to get trhough this, I just don;t think this is for me. I'm not trying to be a martyr, but if this alwqys ends up with me offending someone or being offended, all of it unintentioonal, then how am I helping - or getting helped by - anyone. Thanks, again, for your kind thoughts.

Want,
I do understand why you are feeling the way that you are. It' hurts like hell. When my h walked out, the only time that I ever heard from him was when I finally tracked him down to ask him to meet me to discuss bills. He avoided me like I had cooties. The first year, I guess I actually saw my h twice and that was it. I never saw him again (phyiscally) until we were getting ready to divorce and that was in 2002. I saw him at the pre-divorce hearing and the day of the divorce. I've seen him once since that time in 2005.

It's very difficult to try understand how someone you were married to, loved and lived with could do something like this. I have found that this time of situation is worse than death. Why? Because you never get the closure that you are seeking. There is never any real understanding of why they left and they sure as hell won't tell you what really triggered the walk out.
It took me a very long time to get to a place where I accepted that everything was completely over.

Some of these guys do walk out and do not contact you for a long, long time. Sting is another poster who doesn't visit very often, but her h walked out and moved across the country and then finally moved back to the same state that she's in. Even though it's been a long time, he still doesn't have much contact with her.

Ghostwriter, another poster who hasn't posted in a very long time, has the same situation. Her h moved out, disappeared off the map and he pops out about once a year. I just spoke to her last night and she said that she had her yearly sighting this last week. The one thing that we all had in common was that we didn't know where they lived, they had multiple P.O. Boxes and didn't share their phone numbers w/us. It's like they left their old lives behind and created a new persona.

None of the above have children with their runaway spouses, including myself. There are a few of us out there, but it's a rarity. I do think that those who run have some very severe issues to deal w and it takes them a very, very long time to come to terms w/themselves and those and that's when they start to peek out every now and then.

I do understand your frustration about your situation. I can still remember how I felt back then and it wasn't a good place to be because I wanted answers and closure and there was none to be had for my particular situation. I would suggest that you check out the FortySixty forum as well. I believe there are a few over there that do not have children and are posting. I pop over there every now and then to see what is going on. It never hurts to visit different forums because you just might find someone in the same situation that you are.

I do hope that you'll continue to post and talk about it. We are different because we don't have the "children" tie to keep them connected to us. However, there is nothing that says that deep down they don't think/care about us, it's just a matter of them making some moves and they won't for a long time.

Take care of yourself.

Wantlove, you certainly didn't offend me. It is tough for you.

A

A and Snodderly,

Thank you for the posts. I think, as I said, I need to stay off the board....doesn;t seem to be helping me or anyone else. I don;t think there are "easier" scenarios, I just come hear to feel like I am not alone, but what I read reinforces that feeling for me. I don;t claim to be "special", just in a situation that, on this boasrd, is a little more rare.

Wantlove,

Nice to see you posting again.

Snodderly, when your Husband first dissapeared, did you ever try and look for him or show up at his job or send a letter or make a phone call or email or at least try to have some type of contact and try to hunt him down?

Wantlove, please don't stop posting, I think it is good for you to come here and just read/lurk/post !

You know I had a very long discussion with my H a few weeks ago, and he mentioned that if we would not have had any kids, he would have left and not made any contact with me again, so that I would let him go, so that it would be easier on me...(he pressumed that I would be so angry and hateful towards him, that my love for him would die).

You know they have much pain, shame and guilt...and these things cause them to react so extreme.

Please know that there are so many people here who would love to support you and help you along !

May God bless you Wantlove - ...I too care, otherwise I would never have opened this thread in search of how you're doing !

BND,
To answer your question, yes, I called his family first because my h wasn't answering his cell phone nor responding to emails to his work. His brother finally told him that he needed to call me because he had left everything in my lap, i.e., bills, the house, his new puppy, everything. When he called me, he was extremely cold and very, very distant. The two times he came to my home, he wasn't the man that I knew any longer. He was a very different man.

This man would come to the house while I was at work and just sit for several hours. The neighbors said that he would come at 1 and leave at 3. I would come home and could never tell he had been here. It was like a ghost visiting. If he contacted me, which was very, very rare, it was always around 3 in the afternoon, just before I left work and it was always, always in a very nasty tone, demanding, this or that. He accused me of trying to trick him or that he thought I would hide things from him if he had told me he was coming over, etc. Now, I'm a very honest and open person, which I found that accusations to be very far fetched and off the wall. I actually thought he had a brain tumor or a mental meltdown at that time. He made it impossible to have a civil conversation about anything. All he complained to his attorney about was missing mail. Guess what. A man who has 5 mailing addresses is bound to have missing mail and that missing mail was the junk mail that he use to toss in the trash. I found it was less painful not contacting him and trying to make it on my own. I had to save myself in order to save our assets and keep our finances out of ruin.

It was a month later that I found this board and began to post and realized what I was dealing w.

Snodderly are you still standing ?

Cinders,
I've never hidden the fact that I'm not "standing" for my marriage. After he left the second time, acting quite insane, I shut the door on reconcilation. You see, I took my rose colored glasses off early on after the way he was behaving and realized that even if he were to recover from his meltdown, he would never be someone that I would want to share the rest of my life w. For 25 years, I overlooked many of his flaws and made excuses for his passive-aggressive behavior and once he finally left, I came to realize that I couldn't please him no matter what I did or said. I was always trying to make him happy and just couldn't do it. When when he walked out the door, I was a total mess for a while, but in the end, I realized it was best that we never reconciled because too much damage had happened. He always said that he would never return, so I took him at his word and moved on w/my life. He never made any moves to reconcile and in fact, two years after the divorce, he married the HO. Is he happy? I seriously doubt it. I'm getting more unknown name/unknown phone number calls, cell phone numbers and other strange numbers, crank calls, etc. than I have ever had since he's been gone and more so since August both at home and at work. I have him on video coming here and taking things out of the yard and moving things around to mess w/my head. Is that a person who is happy? Nope. He apologized for his behavior towards me throughout the marriage, but never for the time he walked out and behaved irrationally.

I did what I had to do in order to survive. I may not be standing for my marriage, but I will not discourage others from doing so. There are so many here that have a good chance of reconciling w/their spouses and I hope that they do. Am I a bitter person? Nope, I'm just happy that I didn't allow the MLC monster to swallow me up.