It's a stupid title, but I can't ever think of anything!
Hi all.
Thanks for the responses on my last thread.
My STBX does royally tick me off in that he is one of the MLCers that blows off what the kids think and feel. But if I was to be completely honest, he kinda did this always. In my opinion he has never been really involved with them. That was one of our "problems", I thought he should be more invovled and he just never was.
I do want to protect my kids and I do not want to force D9 to do something she really doesn't want to do (visit her dad). But, she is supposed to go and spend a couple of weeks there this summer, it might be good for her to see it now for 3 days to see how it goes before she is stuck there for a longer time. I will have to talk to her still.
Our family friend did come and take us out to breakfast today. He is such a wonderful man, very thoughtful and caring. I asked him how the ow was when he met her. He thought about it and said his wife would tell him to tell me something to make me feel better, but he wanted to be honest with me, not to try and make me feel bad, but he was very impressed with her. He said she was really very nice and very attentive to my kids. He did say that he realized some of that was probably for show but that it should comfort me a little that she was kind to my girls. I understand that and I am glad she is not mean to them. But still.
He did say his wife is so mad at STBX she could spit nails.
I told him that I felt replaced. He said that ow would never replace me in my kids hearts, that our bond it far to great.
He is very disappointed in STBX that he doesn't call the kids or visit on a regular basis. He said he will find a way to talk to him about that. Our friend is very family oriented. He was D many, many years ago. He has been with his 2nd wife over 25 years. He had custody of his kids and is a wonderful dad.
I know I'm not be explaining him well. But he is one of my favorite people. Very genuine and just an all around great guy. He would never do/say anything with the intention of hurting me. He was very encouraging to me he wants to see me & the kids happy again. He said he knows this has been a very trying 2 years for me. And I told him that it seems every time I start to feel good about myself again I get kicked in the teeth. He is very concerned with how this has affected us all. He did ask me how I am doing and encouraged me to seek counseling, for myself and the girls, at some point. He said it helped him so much. It really was a nice visit and he wanted to make sure that I know we are welcome to visit them anytime. I caught up on his family news.
Ooooo, I have to tell you. I had the BEST pancakes EVER. They were lemon ricotta pancakes with a blueberry compote. YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
We had a very busy day. After our friend left we were home for about a half hour, then went to take D5 to Daisy (girl scouts) Day. While she was there D9 and I hit Starbucks and Target. (Thanks for calling me Liss!! Smooooooches to you!!!) Then picked up D5, home for 40 mins. then to a cheer get together. Home for 10 min. then to my sister and bil's for dinner. Whew, are we pooped!!! Kids snoozed on the way home and are sleeping in their clothes. lol.
Honestly, my STBX really annoys me with the way he treats the kids and especially the way he makes D9 feel. She should feel that her opinion counts and her ideas are heard and considered.
I have also decided to try and not compare myself to ow. She might look like a movie star (per D9), have loads of cash, a great job and be really nice. (why can't she be the typical cow of an ow??????)
But, I am in no way less of a person than she is. I might be fairly plain in looks and style, but I am a good person. I have morals and can give my kids love and support. I can work to help support my kids and they will learn from me that you do what you have to do, that sometimes things aren't just handed to you. They will never feel second best from me.
Shades, I don't find your title stupid at all. It states exactly what you and others are attempting to do here--find their way amongst the fall out of a spouses walking away.
I'm very sorry that he's behaving the way he is w/the children. Children are such precious gifts from God and the damage he's creating, i.e., lack of communciation and/or interest in them, will come back to haunt him in life at some point. You, on the other hand, have been there for them and they know it. I wish that he would see the light of day and realize that once the damage is done, it's very difficult to correct the situation. But, as we all know, we can't control them and their actions. All we can do is be there for the children.
Shades, you are a wonderful lady. So what if the ow is nice looking and has a lot of cash. Looks will fade, cash will be gone and what does she have left when it's all said and done? Nothing. You are the one that has all of the wealth--children, family and friends that will do anything for you. So, please do not compare yourself w/this woman, for she's the one that's involved w/your h and should have more respect and dignity for herself than she does.
Hold your head up high, back straight and know that you are the one w/such grace, dignity and respect for yourself and no one can take that away from you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Shades, Don't compare yourself to OW. I know how easy it is to do... I did it all the time (and still do from time to time). But those comparisons are made up in our heads. We really don't know anythign about OW and can't compare. Not only that, there is no use in doing so.
Having met you, I think you are an absolutely beautiful woman - inside and out. You are a blonde, skinny little thing. You are catch, mama. And more importantly, you're a GREAT mother and a wonderful friend. You're fun to be around. You have a good set of morals and values. You have your priorities in line.
You've got it goin on, baby. So, don't you compare yourself to OW... There's no way that seh even comes close to what you have to offer.
Now, about the way your H treats the kids... forget about it. You have absolutely no control over what kind of dad he chooses to be. You can only minimize the impact it may have on your girls. And that is exactly what you're doing.
You are fabu! Remember that!
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Shades, I also have to agree with the other posters. First, you never really know what is behind the presentation. Remember that! Someone who appears to be "great" rarely is. In saying that, this individual he is seeing has some issues if she is seeing a married man. Remember this, these relationship rarely, if ever do last. 97% of affair based relationships end up in the toliet, 60%+ of 2nd marriages fail, the number is probably higher. Basically what I am trying to tell you is, all that glitter and gold cannot fix what is wrong with him, so quit thinking it can. Shades, your STBX is just an ASS. I'm sorry, there just isn't any other way to put it. He is irresposible, selfish,and uncaring. He will get what he deserves at some point in time.
Shades - I agree with the others. What sort of woman gets involved with a married man, and then stays around while he treats his kids and you the way he does? A very sad sick person.
You would never behave like this, and cannot think down to her level.
I am trying so hard NOT to compare myself to ow. Now when those thoughts seep into my mind I try to just stop myself. It is very hard though.
I realized that all these feelings I thought I had overcome are actually just below the surface. I have more work to do, and I need to give myself more time to do it.
I am very disappointed in the way STBX treats the kids. It is shameful. I have tried to talk to him about it and it does no good. He keeps saying that he wants to get on a regular visitation schedule but yet there isn't one. I understand that it is hard and expensive since we live so far away, but HE is the one that encouraged me to move here to be near my family. HE knew it and he promised them he would come to see them. I don't know if I keep trying to talk to him about it or if I just keep my mouth shut.
I feel so badly for my kids. D5 had to write what she wants to happen at certain ages yesterday at girl scouts. At 6 he wants her dad to come back. She always seems like none of this bothers her, yet there it is.
I am trying to be the best mom I can. I don't always succeed, but I try.
STBX interview for a job while he was here. It is based in NYC but his folks told me that eventually he might be able to move here to AZ. For myself, I wish he wouldn't, I don't want to have to see him on a regular basis. But I realized if he did move here it would be so much better for my kids. They would be able to see him more, hopefully. It's all very iffy, so who knows what will happen. But I have put aside my personal feelings and I am praying that he gets this job and does move here so it will benefit my kids.
Getting ready to go to church. Then we're coming home and getting back in pj's and having a pj day. It's rainy here and I need to do laundry. We'll play and just be.
You're right, I would never behave that way. I would never want someone who is so uninvovled with his children. I want someone who is a great dad and enjoys doing things with his kids. My girls said ow made cookies (slice and bake) with them this week while their dad watched TV. I guess some things never change. I feel that his time here with them is so little that he should be engaged with them while he is here. Not letting ow do it.
A couple of our friends that has known us (me & STBX) for a very, very long time say that he was always this way and that I just didn't see it before. I was too concerned with making everything okay. No more.
just wanted to tell you that the honesty of your friend in his description of OW should be treasured. For a real friend will only do that.
I have been told by a female dr. that OW is a wonderful nurse, great with the patients etc. That she is a nice person. But then someone who worked with her for a yr describes her as manipulative and demanding and not trusting and materialistic and hot tempered and ugly.
yes this woman described her as ugly.?? have never seen her so don't know but also makes me wonder if I was told the truth or what she knew would make me feel better.But she is 4 yrs older than me and a yr older than H.
be happy she is kind to your girls and she won't ever replace you for they will grow up and realize that you are there 24/7 for them. My d is 18 and she tells me that all the time. "I have my relationship with dad but your the one who I depend on" she has also told me no one can ever take the place of me.
Your a great mom ! pj day oh that is my type of day !! My d and I use to have girls night when she was about 10-12,every thurs. H worked late so we would get in pjs right after dinner and put in a movie or watch a show she liked in bed with popcorn and I would read magazines, she would read to me. This was our talk time if she needed to talk this is when she would do it.
Your doing great!
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
just wanted to tell you that the honesty of your friend in his description of OW should be treasured. For a real friend will only do that.
I feel this too. I do appreciate his honesty. Even as badly as I wanted her to be a snaggletoothed old bag. And I am thankful that she is nice to my girls.
It sounds like you have a great R with your D18. That is so nice to hear. Lots of times people don't, you're very fortunate and must be a great mom yourself!! My D9 tells me I'm the only one she trusts, she loves her dad to but she doesn't trust him. How sad.
We do pj day every once in a while. But we also do the movie nights. Every Friday, we grab dinner and eat it on trays while we watch a movie. They love it.
The girls are having so much fun playing with their Littlest Pet Shop toys (and so nicely together!!) that we will go to church this evening instead. I hate to break up the fun.
Shades, I think that we have a tendency to overlook what was probably glaringly obvious for some time.
I am in a similar situation. H was never that involved with the kids.
Out of everything that he has done, this has been the biggest disappointment - I always thought he would be a better dad.
Now friends are telling me that they noticed this a long time ago. And, honestly, so did I. I spent more time with the kids trying to make up for it, and probably ignored him in the process.
And I know your friend was just trying to be gently honest with you, but IMHO you can't be nice and be a husband stealer.
He said she was really very nice and very attentive to my kids. He did say that he realized some of that was probably for show but that it should comfort me a little that she was kind to my girls. I understand that and I am glad she is not mean to them. But still. 
