Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Please help me!! My wife wants out!

I have read some posts on this forum and they have really helped me. I now feels compelled to write my own, to see if people can give me any hope.
I am on my lunch break, so must be quick.
I am british and my wife is not. We live in the uk. We have been married 2 years, togehter for 5, I am 27 she is 30. My age has always been a problem for her as she see me as being less mature because of my age. Having less experience.
My wife has always had a couple of pet nags at me, like the fact that I gained a fair bit of weight since we met, and I am kinda messy. I always put this down to the tradional `she needs something to complain about`. I thought I was being a good husband, now I see I was just not being a bad one. About a year ago she started a new job in a large company, she was made up and so was I as she had only been in temporary jobs since we arrived in this country. She threw herself into her job, as I knew she would. Working long hours as I knew she would. And kinda putting this job, and her new friends above me, as I knew she would... I wasnt overly bothered as I knew things would settle down eventually. Long story short. About last August she started to get more stressed. I thought it was just the work, but seems there was another guy there who she was connecting with more than me. He is older than her, 39 I think (so therefore more mature and having more experience than me)! As things got slowly worse between me and wife, I didnt realise that I was kinda making this guy look all the better for me looking worse. Anyway we had been trying for a baby for about 12 months with no luck, my wife got down about this and read things into it, like we are not meant to be together or something. After December we decided to take a break from baby making. (OUr sex life had become stuck in quite a rut too). The week before Christmas, she finally broke down and told me there was this guy that she was drawn to in work. We went on holiday over christmas, and it was not so good, as we were forced to be together alot more than usual, at a time when we were haveing our worst ever fights. I have since found out she was emailing the guy the whole time. She later admitted that she had kissed him in the weeks running up to christmas. I forgave her. She then became pregnant, so I was made up. Later still it turns out she had sex with him before christmas too, he made the advance but she didnt reject him. (So did we, and the dates make it very likely to be my baby, but not conclusive). She told him she was pregnant, and he told her than he cant give her what she wants (as he is also married, although also in a troubled marriage) He already has a kid who he loves very much. I told my wife i wanted the baby, I dont care about the DNA, it IS my child! She was happy about that. So she thinks that I will make a great Dad, but not sure about me as a husband anymore. She is talking about separation soon, maybe a few months later (we have to sort out her Visa in March, so cant separate before then). She also talks about divorce. Says she doesnt love me as much as I love her, and maybe not in love with me anymore (still things we are kinda soulmates, love me as a best friend). She knows she cant have this guy, and I think she wont cheat again, as she was very sorry about it. But I cant help wonder what she would choose if this guy came to her and told her he wants a relationship (which he doesnt at the moment) I told her I thought he had used her, as he in the middle of a bad marriage, and in midlife crisis years, and my wife is quite beatiful, so is quite a trophy for him. She said he might have, but she doesnt think so. We are still living togehter, planning to bring the child up together (even though separate houses). I love her so much, I dont have any friends around here, so I kinda fixated on her last year, kinda smothered her. She is my first true love and my only adult long term relationship. She says I should go out and have sex with other girls for the experience (to make me a better lover). Now we dont chat as easily as we used to, I am trying not to bring up `seious`stuff. Trying to give her some space. I have joined a gym, and lost 8kgs since christmas (stress is great for a diet!!) I really dont want to lose her, especially with achild on the way. I cant ask her to quit her job as she wouldnt like that at all. I know she still emails him and sends text messages on her phone. If they were just friends then fine, but because of what happened I dont know. She has changed her email password and I think opened up a new account too. Last week we opened separate bank accounts. I would love to avoid separation if possible. Is there any case where a separation can be benifical? I will do anything to keep her in my life!!! Any thoughts or advice really welcome.

I think most of the people here are in similar situation, WAW. There is great advice around here. You should read the wisdom forum and there are some classic post people can point you to.

You will see that there are ways to deal successfully with this situation, hang around here and you will get very good advice (I know I got).

As you just begin your journey I think reading Michele post about pushing is critical.

For the moment, your best bet is to take the focus on what is happening with your wife, and put the focus on working to make yourself into the best possible Steve. Work on your own issue. Be a good guy. Take some time to enjoy your own life without being too terribly concerned if it includes her. It's fine to offhandedly invite her to activities that you are doing, but go anyway.

She is straight out of an affair and she really doesn't have the emotions to spend on you. The texting and talking is more than just innocent friendship, but there really isn't much you can do about that unless you eventually choose to go your own way. You won't make a great deal of headway with her until the luster of her affair wears off and she has a chance to really look at you with fresh eyes. If you are weak, pathetic, broken, needy, and mope around all the time, she won't draw any kind of positive distinction. You have to be strong.

Agree with previous advice. Read other threads.

Me

Thanks for the replies. It means alot to me.
Update*
I know I shouldnt have but I instigated a conversation about the other man tonight. I told her I was jealous of the connection they shre, as it used to be something we shared. She said she understood, and was really sorry. But she needs him at the moment, their connection is important to her. I was very calm during all the conversation which lasted most of the night. She says she cant forgive herself for hurting me, and that is a big reason she cant be with me. Some small part of her wants to be with the other guy still. He has gone back to his wife now to try and work things out. But he and my wife are still `connecting`. My wife said that mainly he sends the emails and she just replies, and they dont talk about anything special. She says that there is no hope for us as a married couple, but we can be friends Can I believe this? i want to believe there is hope. She knows that she cannot really have the other guy, but still needs his support during this difficult time. She has also said I need to give her space. Early in the night, she said she might miss me if we separate, but by the end she was not positive at all. Probably countering my positivity. She then got a call from work about something she forgot to do, she was in tears about that.... I dont like the amount of herself that she gives to her job. (Even taking me out of the equation, I think she gives too much to be good for herself). She insists on talking about me moving on with my life and finding a new love.
We talked a bit about how I let her down alot, it was difficult for her to trust me. I agreed with everything she said... all the forgotten bills, the messiness, the broken promises (even before we were married) I can certainly see her point. Is there anyway I can try to regain her trust.. I guess from just making positive changes in my life that she can see.
As a side note, we havnt kissed or made love in over 3 weeks now, I would really like to do that, feel that emotional connection that accompanies it. I am being unrealistic? Any thoughts much appreciated.

Thanks for the replies. It means alot to me.
Update*
I know I shouldnt have but I instigated a conversation about the other man tonight. I told her I was jealous of the connection they shre, as it used to be something we shared. She said she understood, and was really sorry. But she needs him at the moment, their connection is important to her. I was very calm during all the conversation which lasted most of the night. She says she cant forgive herself for hurting me, and that is a big reason she cant be with me. Some small part of her wants to be with the other guy still. He has gone back to his wife now to try and work things out. But he and my wife are still `connecting`. My wife said that mainly he sends the emails and she just replies, and they dont talk about anything special. She says that there is no hope for us as a married couple, but we can be friends Can I believe this? i want to believe there is hope. She knows that she cannot really have the other guy, but still needs his support during this difficult time. She has also said I need to give her space. Early in the night, she said she might miss me if we separate, but by the end she was not positive at all. Probably countering my positivity. She then got a call from work about something she forgot to do, she was in tears about that.... I dont like the amount of herself that she gives to her job. (Even taking me out of the equation, I think she gives too much to be good for herself). She insists on talking about me moving on with my life and finding a new love.
We talked a bit about how I let her down alot, it was difficult for her to trust me. I agreed with everything she said... all the forgotten bills, the messiness, the broken promises (even before we were married) I can certainly see her point. Is there anyway I can try to regain her trust.. I guess from just making positive changes in my life that she can see.　　She saiｄ she wants a strong man that can take care of her and protect her, she had thought I was that guy, but….If we were to separate then I guess she could see that all the more. What do you think?
As a side note, we havnt kissed or made love in over 3 weeks now, I would really like to do that, feel that emotional connection that accompanies it. I am being unrealistic? Any thoughts much appreciated.

Hi Lian, where can I find Michele post on pushing? Thanks

Dear Steve,

I am sorry to hear about what you're going through. But this is a good place with lots of people that will give you great advice!

Here is a collection of all the "best stuff" i've found on the boards-- a couple days I posted a lot of the "classic advice" over on AliSuddenlyAlone's thread. Here is a link:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1336129&page=0&fpart=9

just scroll down and be sure to read:
JenJam's top 10 DB tips

and down through the links to wisdom of the DB ages, michele's articles, and mandatory do's and don'ts while divorce busting!

Have you gotten the book "divorce remedy" yet? If you get it, it will really help you get the most out of this bulletin board.

The very first steps, I think, are:

1. take a deep breath
2. step back
3. re-orient your point of view....

There IS HOPE. But don't push... if you run after her, she will just run away faster. If you stop running, she can stop running too, and ask herself, "wait...why am I running? do I really want to be running? what am I running from?" When you give her space, she can choose to return to your loving arms. If you crowd or smother her, she will only push you away. Give her the option to choose to return. It is REALLY HARD TO DO THIS because it is very counterintuitive because all we want is to hold on to our true love. But you CAN do it!

((HUGS)),
TRANSFORMER

Thanks Transformer, that was a good couple of things to read. I like the way that you can read and read and read on here and it all seems like good stuff.

I have decided to change my job, I wasnt overly happy in my job, it was just very convenient.... it allowed me alot of flexibility and a decent wage. It was with my family business. I have decided though that it is better to be poorer and happier than richer and unhappy. Might change my mind when I cant pay the bills.

One of my wifes problems is my family. She feels the inlaws are a bit overbearing. My family is very close knit, and all live within 5 mins of each other. Having come with me to this country, she has no family here. I dont think she misses her family as such, but feels she has no support network to fall back on, you know... someone she can complain about me and my family to (we all need to sometimes). This has gotten better for her since she started her job, coinciding with things deteriorating between us. I asked her what percent of `our problem` was my family, and she put it at 30%. Dont get me wrong, my family have helped us alot financially and otherwise since we came back to this country, and we are both eternally gratful. We just need to get out of their pockets... I feel the same way about this. So we will be moving soon either separatly or together (i hope), and I will change my job. I hope these things work.If we separate we have agreed to live close to each other, mainly to do with the impending baby, but also we remain friends.
Anyone else had their family in the middle? Didi it help to move?
Thanks

Also, before I found out about the A, we were still having sex (making love?). She said that she was mostly pretending to be okay with it, doing it to make me happy. About 70% prentending. So 30% seemed like a reasonable number. We had also made `goals` for me to aid my wieght lose. After 5 kg we could shower togehter again, after 8 kg we could have sex again. (these were jointly decided). Since then I found out about the infidelity with the OM. I have passed a couple of my goals with no response. I think all my pushing I did to find out infromation obviously pushed her away. My question is: if we were ok to plan sexual things, as well as have sex before I found out, have I screwed things up too bad in the 2 weeks since I found out to hope to a return to ..... I dont know the word.. the point were it seemed much easier to mend? I dont want you to think I am sex obsessed, I loved `making love` with my wife, I loved the connection it brought us. This kind of thing doesnt dissappear in a couple of weeks surely... maybe pushed right down, but the love must still be down there somewhere??? I am trying my best to be a friend now. Trying to give her more space.
I do ask about the OM in a conversational way, how was he today etc... Is that bad?
Thanks in advance.
S

Any thoughts Anyone? Please!