Only you know how much intel you can stomach. I had to stop several times, because it wasn't giving me anything new, and it was killing my confidence -- confidence I needed to pull off my "Man-o'-Steel" routine.
Periodic, routine checks should suffice. I'd look for her mood swings, and if she was suddenly happy, I knew there'd been contact. If she was suddenly depressed, I knew there was trouble in paradise. I also used the snooping intel tactically, to let me know what it was we were doing that was "getting" to them, and what I was doing personally that was working.
Wanna talk about difficult? Try listening to ACTUAL AUDIO of your wife, making out with another man, and telling him how "good" he is, after she's been sexually unavailable to you for three years. Ugh.
So I am at home with 2 of our kids. The other kid is still at school. The W went this morning to see her C. She said had one errand to run after that and then she said she would be back. I know the errand was near the counselor office, but also near where the OM works. And of course it is around lunchtime, so my imagination starts to get the best of me. Are they together? Talking? Eating lunch? More?
I KNOW I have to block that crap out of my head, but it is oh-so-difficult.
She may be doing nothing at all. But I have ZERO trust in her.
I completely understand. We've all been in that exact same place. Your mind goes nuts. Every "trip to the grocery store" becomes "Is she meeting him? Is she parked somewhere, talking to him on her cellphone?" Every "I need to work a little later today" becomes a hook-up with OM.
Deep breaths, man. Deep breaths. You cannot control her -- she will do what she will do, and she is the one answerable to God for it, not you. You are only responsible for YOU, and how to react to her.
The W just got back from the C. I am not going to ask how it went. If she volunteers that info, then fine. In fact, I am not asking her anything if I can help it. Business like, kind, but self protecting-- that is me now. It is just weird because I want to ask her certain things (not about the A, but just about everyday life stuff.) I feel like every time I ask her something, I am giving her a chance to feel needed by me. I don't want that.
This is her second visit to the C. I had called this C right after the I bomb dropped to see if she could provide us some MC. My W and I realized that there was no way my W was ready for MC. She needed to work some stuff out alone. Fair enough.
Well, once my W started to see the C alone, I asked the same C to see me alone. The word I got from my W today is that the counselor doesn't want to do that. The C thinks it will be a conflict of interest. She only wants to see my W, or my W and me together. The C referred me to one someone else in her practice.
I'm really not that "up" on C etiquette and protocol. I would think that they could maintain their professional confidentiality, and see each of you individually, but I'm just not sure . . .
Good for you on the "Joe Friday" demeanor -- keep it up!
I wish my W would hurry up and get that fog cleared, at least for a moment, and come talk to me. I have a couple of speeches ready to go that I want to try out. The most important one being, "I love you, don't want a divorce, I am patient (but not without limits) - I am ready to talk about the M and start healing as soon as the OM is out of the picture without exception. Oh, you are not ready for that? Then we have nothing to talk about."
Guess I am too optimistic to think that fog will clear up soon....................
Tough moments. I am so exhausted from trying to GAL, and for giving the W SOOOOO much space and trying not to care about it.
I have depended on my W for so many years to be my emotional partner, best friend, everything. Now it is almost all gone and there is a huge hole in my life. All the joys and pains I have that I want to share with her, I can't. I just have to pretend to be "just fine" if not better. I am really trying to be new-and-improved for ME and me alone, but it damn sure is lonely. I will be as patient as I can be, but I want my best friend and life partner back now. Man it stinks to have all that ripped away like this. All because of a stupid A. I am sad, and I am mad at the same time.
I can be so upbeat and strong and think I am going to be fine, but then I get hit with a wave of disgusting reality and the possible life ahead, and it makes me very very sad.
Besides this one tough moment, I think it has been an OK day for me.
Got to keep dumping my feelings out here. I think it is helping.
