Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Confusion of a WAW (Thread 6)

I think once W sees me building my own home and truly being independent from her, that'll go a long way. I know I'm fearful of us getting back into a rut of being very dependent upon each other, and I'm sure she is too.

She got annoyed (not at me - just in general) last night when I told her my Grandmother left me some money - Probably a tough pill to swallow after she just got another loan to bolster her checking account. I told her I'd probably just spend it on furniture and stuff for the new house when she asked what I was going to do with it.



She didn't wear any jammie pants to bed last night, so she was looking pretty cute. I wanted to give her some shock and awe this morning, but she was way too sleepy and would have said no anyway

"shock and awe"? Is that something British? I could use some of that. Wow, what kind of msg. was your W trying to send you last night? Quite a change from the frump she was last month.

I really think it is going to be a big positive when you get into your new house. I agree though that you have to let your W see what it will be like if you get a D.

I have to ask, is the other man good looking at least? He must be pretty hot physically because he sounds like a huge loser. Your wife must be hung up wishing for someone young and thrilling. Too bad she doesn't realize what an awesome guy she is putting through heck.

I just read 'shock and awe' and it was the first thing that popped into my head

I think my W was sending the "I got home too late and couldn't be bothered to look through the laundry for something to wear" message. I didn't notice until this morning when we got up - Quite a nice way to start the day



Yep, although she hasn't actually made any push towards wanting a D - I don't think either of us have mentioned D in four months.



Not really - Even her diary says he's not particularly physically attractive. I think the majority of it is in her head, and he seems to be doing things that encourage her to play along with her little fantasy. Seriously - You'd think after six months or so you'd know someone well enough to figure out if they wanted a relationship with you or not.

She's sitting here talking to him on IM. Maybe they'll get into one of their lame little fights again

BritInOH, Your sitch seems to be much less severe than mine. But it is indeed complex/confusing: a WAW who wants you to move back in with her but she's still carrying on with OM, she's got low self-esteem and she's depressed. I don't know what to make of it but I haven't read every one of your posts either.

But it may be worth finding out just what part OM plays - as Kerry asks what is he supplying her that you aren't (he's not good looking, he's not smart, ...), is it a PA/EA? IS there something she perhaps is not getting from you that you could easily provide if only you knew? Would the approaches to dealing with depression/mental-illness along the lines in DR help - maybe you've already tried?

My 2c so far ...

There are a lot of posts - I wouldn't expect most people to be able to keep up with it all. W certainly has low self-esteem and is very depressed. I'm not sure how much of her depression is related to OM, and how much is just 'general life'. I'm sure she'd probably be able to do a lot better without OM weighing her down, but we all know how that goes....



I would defiantly categorize it as an EA - I know for sure it's not a PA, even though W has had opportunities to be along with OM.



I think OM just happened to be someone who gave her positive attention when she was feeling pretty alone. W gets very attached to people, so I think even though it's an obviously unhealthy relationship, she still likes the attention she gets from him. 36yr old mom getting attention from a 21yr old guy - Even if it's bad attention, it's probably still an ego boost for her. Of course, it seems to be doing the complete opposite and just pushing her into further depression.

Hi BirtInOH, Sounds like she's sick in the head and needs urgent professional help esp. since there's a 20mth old - any chance you can get this to happen? What kind of "positive attention" do you think she needs? And why did she feel "alone"?

Your W is completely opposite of mine. My W is 36 and has a thing for at 67 year old guy. BTW... My mom is also 67 and my mom asked me what high school he went to as maybe they knew one another. The whole concept of my W living with someone easily old enough to be her father actually makes the situation a little bit funny. I swear I am living in some dark sitcom right now.

Hello Brit

When your W has started rambling on about OM, have you ever said to her (in a confident manner, without changing the tone, level, etc.) that you really do not want to know about OM?

I know that this could backfire and really put any possible relationship she has with him underground.
However, the W seems to use you as her outlet for any day to day frustrations she has with OM, no matter how trivial they are.

Would it be worth testing the water, somehow and let her know that perhaps you don't want to hear about what is going on between them. The moment it looks as if you could get into any kind of argument, no matter how small, you would have to back out in a hurry.

I wonder if she is not surprised herself that you listen to the bits and bobs she tells you about OM, but don't seem to have expressed any type of disapproval. Or have I missed that part?

You can't do that when you are in her house, but when you are in your own place and start to pull away, maybe it is the time you could let it be known that you are not prepared to listen to any more about her and OM. No sarcasm, no ultimatums. Don't give her any reasons either. Surely she can figure the reasons out for herself.

It sounds to me that you are the only one she is confiding in about OM. By letting her know that you don't want to hear it any more, wouldn't it be possible that she will start to realise how ridiculous her fantasy is?
Also, by letting her know that you don't want to hear what he gets up to, could let her know that you are really preparing to move on.

It seems, perhaps to W as well, who may be using it as some form of security, as if you are waiting for W to decidedly finish with OM before you start to make a come-back. By letting her know that you don't want to hear about OM, it could be interpreted as you not planning to make that come-back and W losing that security.

Of course it may make her self esteem and depression worse, but I'm sure your W really has to hit rock bottom before she starts to come around. Perhaps it will all make her less attractive to OM as well.

Could be completely on the wrong track, but it could be another shake that your situation needs.

By the way, one criticism my W had of me a few months ago was that I was far too analytical with our own situation and should just let things be.

She's seeing a psychiatrists right now, but I don't really know what she has told him. She has made mention of needing to see a therapist off and on over the last few months, but she hasn't taken any steps to actually follow through.

She certainly isn't going to respond favorably to me trying to drag her anywhere. I insisted she go to a psychiatrist after a problem she had, but until something else happens like that, I don't think we're going to see much progress.



She often feels overwhelmed having to take care of D, and I know she doesn't like feeling like a 'mom' too much. After D was born we didn't really spend a whole lot of time together as a couple - Everything we did we did with D, so I think that was pretty stressful for us both.

Yeah, I did that pretty early on - Went over like a lead balloon. She already knows I don't approve of their friendship, but complaining about it isn't going do much other than frustrate her because of my 'jealously' or whatever... She has made a few comments in the past about how she knows I don't approve of some of her friends, but she finds it hard making friends with girls. Probably 90% of her friends are guys, and I don't have a problem with all but one of them - W is defiantly not a 'girlie girl', so she won't be going out shopping with other girls on the weekend and stuff. Considering we've been separated for a while, I'm not sure why she'd be so concerned with who I 'approve' of or not.

The strange thing is that when she talks to me about OM, she talks in absolute negatives - Last night on the way to dinner she was complaining about how he messed up his car and that she didn't want to know the details because it would piss her off - I think when I hear about it, she is reconnecting with reality, although it's short lived. I suspect without working through the 'real' parts of the problem, she'd just float around in her little world all the time.

I think deep down she realizes how ridiculous it is - She made mention to how the way she behaves with him around makes her act like 'a fool' and that she really isn't doing healthy things for herself. She has a really hard time putting this whole thing behind her - She'll get annoyed, not talk to him for a week, then end up right back where she started. You'd think that'd get old eventually, but apparently not.

I really should have taken the opportunity on Monday when she was talking about how guys confuse her to drop a few hints that I know what is really going on with OM - I didn't at the time, since I wanted to see how much she would tell me on her own. Some people might disagree with me, but I figure the more she talks about it, the more obvious the idiocy of it all may come to the surface. Ironically, when we talked about it, she actually agreed with me about almost all points where I offered my input. Even if she REALLY believed me and herself, I doubt she would really act on it.