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Hi Everyone.

I did experiment not initiating ANY phone calls or meetings with W for the last week and I kept to it. W called or attempted to call several times this week. I got back each time but not always immediately.

She hasn't called the last 2-3 days and hasn't initiated a meeting. The next time I can meet her would be around lunch time Monday or Tuesday when she has the day off and the kids are at school. What if she does not initiate a meeting next week or even call during the weekend? Do I initiate a meeting on some pretext?

I want to keep up the momentum I'd built up with meeting her once a week but I do not want to squander the DB capital I've built up of "validating" and "detaching". I don't want to go back to "darkness" but I want to engage W on a regular basis without being "pursuing". So what do I do?

Stop thinking about her and focus on you and the kids.

An example from my sitch: In July, I did not see my W for a month except for 2 days when I brought the kids to see her and her sister. I only talked to her when she had the kids and then only to ask to speak with them. This allowed me the opportunity to truly detach and get some clarity.

I sense that you need a similar break from your stressful sitch so that you can see things in a new light.

My $.02 - take the month of Feb. off from thinking about her or your M. Focus on you and the kids EXCLUSIVELY. What's the worst that can happen? If she moves on completely in this period, she was going to move on any way.

What's the best that could happen? You could get some clarity and set some priorities for yourself. Rediscover what brings fb2 joy in his life! Remember what it is like to be alive! Make some new memories with his kids! Remind himself that he does not NEED his W to be happy!

Sorry for the bluntness. Hope it is taken the way it is meant, with a caring heart.

SD

Had to but in...hi SD!

Hi CVA! Hope all is well in your world!

OK W's on the back burner while I've got other fish to fry. Lanzo's quietly spending quality time with his W on the Western Front. Meanwhile I'll do some journaling while threading water till I get some wind in my sails ;-)

Over the weekend I slept in late and did some laundry and a big round of grocery shopping. Last evening I hung out at a good friend's place for dinner, wine and a Western move on a mammoth HDTV. His wife's sister(single)was also around so I flirted a bit. Today I caught up on a ton of my work, bills/statements and did some gourmet cooking, make some friendly phone calls while listening to my favorite music.

On Friday I volunteered at S7's school to stuff some homework envelopes. Today I talked to the lady who leads a church Support Group for the Windowed and Divorced that I've been attending and she was amazed at how far I'd come since our last meeting ~2 month's ago.

Talked to D11 about the sleep over birthday party she's going to on Friday and she told me what present to buy which I did. Also talked to S7 and he was as cute as he always is over the phone. W came on the line (actually D11's cell phone) to ask about her absentee ballot and the car insurance but that was all from her, no chit chat or setting up a meeting ;-).

I hope like me everyone's had a great weekend. I'm going to church now as a token of my gratitude ...

Excellent update fb2! Sounds like your kids are a big blessing. I know sometimes when I feel particularly blue, just the glint in my sons' eyes is enough to make me realize that I have nothing at all to be sad about and in fact so, so many blessings that many can only dream about.

Take care, SD

Last night I went to Yoga class and then to dinner at a friend's place. I've been invited to another friend's place on Saturday with S7.

I called the kids and talked to them for a couple of minutes each and W came on the phone and chatted a few minutes. Turns out she's busy studying for an exam in mid Feb. Her tone was still decidedly "friendly" but still "distant".

Apart from this journaling I've been digesting a bunch of stuff lately to refocus my DBing goals/status/strategy. More on this later ...

This is a great idea. Thanks.

fb2 - I feel a lot like you do. The anger is out of my WAW, but she is still down, somewhat distant, and still no us talk. So, I am going back to things that eliminated her anger. She is a lot friendlier but I do not want to spook her and make her run back into her castle again. Not entirely dark but mostly. Not really an answer. Just remember the darkness will help you also. Took me awhile to understand that.

Hi jmw, Thanks for stopping by; I'll catch up on your sitch tonight.

My ultimate goal is to save the M and eliminate the unhealthy conflict and I am determined to do whatever is in my control to make this happen. Of course if despite my efforts it does not happen then so be it. God knows I would have tried.

Its taken many months to get to "friendly"; a lot of that time was spent in total "darkness" while I tried to separate "legal" from "emotional". My journey is chronicled here only from the end of last year but I went thru' much darkness before that. So I do not want to go back to the darkness because I've indeed come a long way from the "begining.

So my chosen path now is to continue down the road of direct phone conversations and face-to-face meetings if at all possible until I find creative ways to "break the ice" to borrow a term from Forrest Gump. Of course I also need to not backslide on the GAL, validation, non-pursuit, etc. to the extent that it helps my cause.

After digesting a lot of free advice I believe the most poignant new objective now is to show W I have "moved on" in an emotional sense even if I have to fake it. I'm thinking of healthy, non-destructive ways to do this e.g., redecorate the house, socialize esp. with the opposite sex and with the kids present so they can report back immediately to headquarters. Affairs, casual sex and so on that I've read about on this board do not qualify in my book - this will only make matters worse; I have to remain a knight in shinning armor to all concerned esp. to myself.

So there you have it now ... wake up Lan - the ball's in your court now.

Hey fb2 - i've only had a few moments in the last few days, so i haven't had a whole lot of time to post.

Sounds like you are doing pretty good. I really like SD's advice about putting M/R focus on hold for a month. Especially if she has lot of studying to do this coming month. take the time to focus on you and the kids. It'll be really good for you.

That bold part concerns me a bit... Focus on you. we both know that she's going to drill the kids, but i would think about the message that you are sending them. Are you showing them what you want them to think. Kids are kids, they'll make up their own stuff, but just make sure you are ready to deal with the aftermath of that... Don't know where your kids are at in the grand scheme (do they think mommey and daddy might work it out? Do they think daddy will come back home?) Just make sure you aren't confusing them anymore than they already are... You may have this totally under control, but i don't know all the details and that was the first thing i thought when i read this!

Take care!