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tomato, right on.i believe with God in the center of our lives db"ing is much easier. we have someone to turn to for answers. dbing does work. prayer does work. combine the two can bring miracles.

I agree with both of you re. prayer! I have been listening more to Calvary Chapel on the radio (It is a group of churches around the country that broadcast their different pastor's messages)lately, couldn't do that right after the Bomb dropped as I was having a shaky faith moment, but anyway today I heard a message about how Jesus is God and so He is the Creator, and how He is holding everything in our universe together all the time. That we need to remember Jesus as not just the human man but the divine One who can do everything and anything all at once. I tried really hard to turn my situation over to Him, because who better to give that responsibility?
Anyway as far as tonight goes, I did not contact my husband except to respond to his inquiry at 5:40 re. my C appointment, then I just sent a text telling him how well it went. Anyway, got home to hang with the D and S and I have gotten three more texts while he is bowling! I have gotten one or two on occasion but never three. The first asked what time our niece's Bball game is back in Iowa on Friday--my MIL suggested that we come up to watch it. So maybe he is interested in going with me? I just replied giving him the time and place of the game, and mentioned that I heard that niece had a first boyfriend (she is 16 this month), wow was she growing up! (She was an infant when my husband and I started dating) Anyway he then sent me a message telling me that he & a guy friend from work who bowls with him were going to get a beer after bowling. Normally I hate that bc that is when he used to hook up with her. But this time I replied back to be careful not to drink too much and drive but to have fun! He sent a reply re. the niece's boyfriend, as he had met him over the weekend when he went home for a visit. I just replied a brief thanks back for the info and again wished him fun at the bar with his buddies.Funny that he texted me 3 times when I didn't try to bother him at bowling at all. Plus the OW was there I am sure unless she miraculously quit the team after he ended it with her, so I am sure she noticed him texting me. Anyway I am not going to worry about that because it is out of my control. Off to work on finding a teaching job and other GAL activities! Luck to all!

Your H sounds a lot like mine. The back and forth stuff. Never knowing if he is going to be home or at his apt. I have no real proof of the OW, but that is always a possibilty too. Even the bowling. He goes out with what his C calls distractions, and goes bowling on Tues and volleyball on Sun.

So I think you are doing the right thing here. The 180's and not answering all of his texts or calls. Not being needy and GAL really does help. I don't understand what is going through my H's head and I have stopped trying to figure it out. Cuz this is not my H. This is some alien that has invaded his mind and body. Sounds like your H is doing the same thing mine is. Stay strong and keep smiling. This Dbing stuff does work if you keep at it.

HUGS!!!

Just thinking about you and hoping you got through the night relatively unscathed :-\

It's tough doing this with them home-but-leaving; it'll actually take a lot of pressure off when he's made the move. It'll also give him a clearer picture of what it'll be like when he has to schedule a visit with his family.

They tend to get really suspicious in the beginning when they notice changes. It's crazy, but make sure he doesn't think things like you set your son up with the idea... one of the biggest paranoid behaviors, because they feel so much guilt, is thinking you are manipulating them with the kids.

Changes also make them angry/suspicious when it makes it harder for them to see why they are leaving. This is good, but the strangest things can be seen as pursuit.

You are doing amazing. Just make sure you truly take some time for you and to get your head out of his mind once in a while. Great job on not returning the call. If it's something that can wait til the next time you see him, it's a good rule of thumb not to call-- or "save it" for when you are going absolutely bonkers without hearing their voice. Ugh. I know, oh do I know.

Keep doing what you're doing-- I saw you giving good advice to others also.

So all was well last night, I was filling out teaching apps. and trying not to care at all about what H was doing when my phone beeped in the other room. It was 11:58, almost midnight. It was message from H "I am very tired and a little drunk going to sleep at (guy friend he had beers with)'s or Motel 6 again. See you tomorrow" Well I didn't know whether to be glad or mad about "See you tomorrow"--on one hand he plans on seeing me, on the other he just seems to know he can see me whenever he wants even after staying out all night!? Aargh.
Of course I reacted when I wasn't going to; I tried to call but his phone rang and rang. Funny, he just sent a text but doesn't notice I am trying to call? (He usually puts his phone on silent when he is out)So I texted, "Call me". I waited fifteen minutes, got ready for bed, tried to call again w/ same results. Left a text message "I am not trying to be a hag but it IS bowling night(see earlier posts about former OW and bowling) so for you to stay out all night and not answer phone is upsetting. Last message but please call if you are concerned about keeping my trust". I said the trust thing because he has been forthcoming with whereabouts/details since telling me he broke it off with OW, and says he wants to "try to fix us". Then I went to bed but didn't sleep almost any.
At 5:40 a.m. I get a text "If you want to put your mind at ease call me before I leave for work, (hotel phone # and room #)." So I knew I shouldn't call, just seeing the hotel # and room # I was sure he didn't stay with OW. She has her own apartment and her almost-ex H keeps son overnight on bowling nights, so my H would typically go there after bowling if he was with her. But I caved and called the hotel #, and he answered immediately. I asked why he hadn't called the night before, and he said he texted me,put the phone in his pocket (ringer off of course) and drove to hotel, crashed hard as slightly drunk, and didn't notice my messages until this morning. I told him I truly meant what I said about wanting him to go out and having fun, I want him to do that, but that I thought he ought to have respect enough to speak to me if he does something that he knows will bring up my trust issues. He said sorry. Then I said have a good day today, and hung up first. AARGH! Why did I have to call. On one hand I just want to go on about my day, do all the things I have to do--go turn in my teaching apps. at the different schools, groceries, etc., and be Chipper Charlie. But yet I am also pissed at him for pushing my buttons on the first tough night since he left the OW. So don't know if I should totally blow him off today, or answer if/when he calls and be upbeat as I have been doing. Any advice? I get the whole 180, GAL idea but if you don't act like anything they do ever bothers you, then they decide they want you back, how do you deal with the pent-up frustration? I suppose if I really detached I wouldn't be this flustered....

That's one of those cases of "lesson learned" kiddo.

See, from what you wrote, he didn't disrepect you by doing something that will bring up your trust issues. He texted you to tell you he was staying at hotel/friend's house.

You made the call.

I can't imagine how hard it would be not to. But. You are blaming him for the wrong things if you take what he says at face value. If he, in fact, turned off his phone and crashed, he had notified you and had no reason to think he'd raised any trust issues. Those are yours. In your head. You may be justified. It doesn't matter. If you think he lied to you, that's another issue. What matters is you called him. He didn't answer and you assumed he was ignoring you (or with her). He knows all this because when you did get hold of him you blamed him for the scenario in your head.

You can't control what he's doing. He is going to resent it if he is expected to reassure you that he is alone at his apartment every night after he moves also. Plus. He can't. You have to decide to trust or not.


My H broke it off with the OW. He moved to what is now our home. Sadly, due to my snooping, I have very good reason to suspect that he went back to see her one night before coming home (kids and I lived across country) and re-committing to me. I had to ask myself if I could live with that and then stick with my answer. It hurts. It feels like you just can't take anymore. And maybe you can't. Your decision. But you need to figure that out.


Don't worry about dealing with pent up frustration later because you have to keep your doubts inside (or post them here!) right now. If you can just take the text at face value and not make that call--- then the reasons you lost trust didn't exist. Maybe he turned his phone off so SHE couldn't call. Maybe it was as simple as his explanation. Thing is. No way to know and you can't put yourself through this while he finishes out that bowling league!

It is something that takes time, so don't beat yourself up over it (I was a HORRIBLE detacher), but yeah, you have to detach more for your own sanity. You must act "as if"-- fake it 'til ya make it-- and all that. There will be plenty of time to deal with trust issues later. You have to work on what you will do if he doesn't want you back.

The Chipper Charlie routine gets my vote.

Thanks again, you have been so helpful. I had already come to the same sort of conclusion in my brain this morning as I ran my errands. I decided, not that I am keeping score, but he should have gotten credit for texting me at all during bowling, credit for telling me afterward where he was going to be staying, and double points for reassuring me this morning instead of blowing off my messages as more crazy-wife antics. And you are right, he may have ignored his phone because OW was calling/texting; he already told me that the first night after he ended it she sent him 23 messages, and another night while he was with me he said she had tried to call 20 times. Guess I can happily live with letting her be the needy desperate one for a change...;-}
Anyway I decided to go with Chipper Charlie, too, since it would actually help me be more productive. So I played with D while S was at Preschool, then went to drop off some applications. So wanted to call H but had no legitimate need to speak to him, so resisted. Just when I thought he must really be annoyed at me for the messages last night, he called my phone at 12:30, from work. I let it ring 3 or 4 times then answered it. He mentioned he had already tried to reach me at home, and wondered what I was up to. I gave a brief but cheery summary of playing with D, giving her a tubby this am, working on teaching apps, etc. Told him I may be ready to go back sooner than I thought as I am making good progress on the substitute forms for all the districts..Anyway just stayed upbeat. Then I asked if there was something he needed (since he had called me). He said no, just wondered what you guys were up to. So I said, headed home, going to work on more work forms while D naps and S gets his rest time in. Then casually asked, "So what's on the agenda for you today?" He said, just work, then home. I said sounds good, S is excited to play with you. Then told him I'd see him tonight and ended the call. Yay! Got home and there was a message on the machine from him too. So hopefully I can continue the DBing without too much of a setback.Bottom line, you are right, I just have to trust him and trust that he will do what is best for him in the long run.
And I may go buy some duct tape to tape my phone and my mouth shut next Tuesday....hee hee

So I realized at some point today I went from faking/going through the motions of GAL to actually enjoying getting one! Filling out teaching apps. reminded me how much I do love teaching, where before I was focusing on the guilt of putting my kiddoes in fulltime day care. I can't wait to have a teaching job again, I get so much satisfaction out of helping the kids and socializing with the grown ups (even if it is only during lunch and recess!). And I called an area Sylvan (tutoring ctr) earlier this week to ask about summer employment, and mentioned I had been a Director of Education for another Sylvan when we lived in a different state. I got a note in the mail from the owner today asking if I might be interested in being a Center Director (Boss of Everything!). Seems he wants to get more hands-off in the future and is looking for his replacement! Even if I don't do it, it feels so great to think I COULD do it! Suddenly it seems like I have a ton of options, where last week I was (in my mind) just an unemployed stay-at-home mom with no income potential and no future prospects without my H. Have gotten a real ego boost and attitude lift today. Probably the best I have felt in 4 months....YAY! And the best part is, it is all about ME and just me....not him

Congratulations! That is awesome about the job interests. It is nice to know we don't always NEED our H's to survive...but it would be nice!

You are doing so great staying positive in your interactions with your H! I wish I had caught on as quickly. It has been 7 months since my H moved out and I still haven't been able to give him space and stay upbeat.
Keep it up, your sitch looks very hopeful from this end.

How ironic, I was just reading through all of your posts, NotAnExYet, and here you are replying to me! I know you have had your ups and downs but at least you have still gotten kisses and ILYs. None of that here for a few weeks...but still going with the PMA since it has made me feel great today. Yep, I am realizing I don't NEED my H, but dang it I still WANT him!?