H and I had an "issue" last week. I don't feel like going into the specifics of it... but let's just say that H acted very irresponsibly (not about OW - thank GOD). This is more of a financial issue.
Anyway, when I found out, I was so angry. He took accountabilty and apologized. But I was still angry. This was on Monday night of last week. Tuesday, I woke up and continued to initiate talking about it. He said to me, "instead of accusing me all the time, why can't you be more solutions focused". I agreed and he went off to work. But all day I was still angry. I was trying to figure out what I would say to him when he got home. I finally decided I didn't want to say anything. I wasn't sure what to do or what to say.
So that night, we didn't discuss it.
The next day, I sent him a TM that said, "Tonight, can we have a solution-based conversation about next steps". So when he got home, he said that he has come up with a few solutions... and told me what they were. The then thanked me for giving him a few days to think it through even though he knew I was angry.
It was a good conversation. I did a 180 on that one by letting it go for a few days. And it worked.
H is taking responsibliity for his mistake and is making some sacrifices to recoup the $$.
I am feeling better about how we are handing things. I feel like we are more of a team. Although, we still need to deal with the issue of what he did (it involves gambling - UGH).
This week, he's away which is always good for me. I am getting a pedicure today. I am focusing on me this week (and my kids, of course).
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
hey PS, glad you reach a good resolution to the conflict, glad he also decided to think positively and that you both worked together, another stop towards good communication))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
PS, By working together, you've taken the shameful piece out of the picture, which will help him build self esteem.
He definitely sounds like he has ADD traits, needing to push the limits to create tension and drama ( stimulation) in order to organize himself to act responsibly. The fact that he asked for you help is huge. Kudos to you for your self control. Now go reward yourself with some quality alone time!
CL, Yes, a bit of a pattern. It is a concern. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this.
Cat & RJ, I have been saying for the past few years that I think H is ADD. His C finally is startign to agree. Again, not sure what to do about it.
But, as RJ said, solving problems together makes us feel more like a team. I think H knows that I am the person he relies on.
H was away all week. It was good. I had some me time (including a nice pedicure). He got back on Valentines day at 6ish. He showed up with roses, a balloon and a bottle of wine. I made him a CD mix, bought him a bar of soap that says "SEXY" on it and hot him some Godiva chocolates. We watched LOST, and had some "together" time before bed.
H is going for a new job at work. This is a really positive step, because it shows me that he is motivated to move ahead. For years, he was very lost on the job front. He was in the golf industry, then left that. Then he moved in to Pharma sales...and that's where the darkness started to creep in. All the wining and dining... late nights out... exposure to other "fun" women (i.e. OW who was also a Pharma rep). Then he finally moved in-house and is now a sales analyst. He wasn't sure he could do the job, but here we are almost a year later and he really likes it. Not only does he like it, he actually wants to take a step up and move into this other position that is even more responsibility. I just like seeing him be motivated.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
But if it is how I think... I have been working on being "fun" myself since the OW episode in my own M. I know that for me I put that fun me in a box and stored it away, cause "proper Wives" in my mind are ( were) just that, I stored away the fun Woman he fell in love with. And Now getting her back is work. I needeed ,,,,, he needed the fun me and still does as a matter of fact, finding her 100% is the work for me. Harder than I ever imagined......
~ Just a thought~ but I do know that a lot of my friends who are Married stored their fun side away too. Thanks for reminding me of this! Have a great Weekend and God Bless you ! ~Ali
PS, Hopefully, your H is honest with his C about his gambling relapse, and strives to understand how it occurred. IMO gambling is a behavioral reaction to an uncomfortable emotion. It is encouraging that he was willing to take responsibility in terms of cleaning-up the financial mess he made.
I found the Stages of Change model to be helpful in dealing with my W's smoking in guiding me towards the type and level of help I should be providing. The stages as I remember are Precontemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Action, and Maintenance. The book that outlines this model for both change seekers and helpers is "Changing for Good," by James Prochaska.
I'm not an expert on ADD, but I was reviewing my book "Shadow Syndromes: Recognizing and Coping with the Hidden Psychological Disorders that can Influence Your Behavior and Silently Determine the Course of Your Life," by John Ratey, the author of "Driven to Distraction." He is a psychiatrist who specializies in Adult ADD.
He advocates medication if helpful and building life skills regardless of your diagnosis or shadow syndrome (not yet diagnosed but causing trouble in one's life).
Your H's success on his job this past year is cause for praise and continued hopefullness that he is moving forward. Good for him.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, I'm still trying to figure out how to handle the gambling thing. I don't know if he mentioend it to his c. I tend to doubt it.
Cat, I'm keeping an eye on the ADD thing. But I will defer to his C on this. I'm tired of trying to diagnose him.
Mrs, thanks for checking in. I have been busy. I just got a new puppy! She is cute, but a lot of work. I don't know why I felt the need to take on more responsibility and stress. But she is a bundle of love.
Things are fine on the H front. We're having fun with the pup. We've had a nice few weeks. My birthday was a few weeks ago, and it was a great birthday. He got me a Coach purse, which I love. We also went on a hike as a family. In fact, his C had said to him that being active like that shoudl start to fill his need for "excitement".
I've been feeling a little off lately. And it really has nothing to do with H. I feel like I've got a little depression or anxiety or something. The winter is starting to get to me. I am seeing my C now every ohter week adn she is helping me to work through it. I guess i jsut feel like I always have so much on my plate with working part time, being a mom, consulting on the side and managing the household in general (bills, food, paperwork, etc...). I feel like there's ALWAYS somethign that needs to be done... and just knowing that there are things out there that need to be done stresses me out.
So, I'm trying to work through this. I hate feeling blue. I am ready for Spring to come. I want to start gardening. I want to be outsdie with my kids. I'm sick of messing up the house every day.
So, that's my update.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
