So I think I am now done. The last couple of weeks have been some of the hardest for me in a good long time. Once the sep agreement was signed my wife practically wouldn't give me the time of day. A whole new round of feelings washed over me, really it was old, very old feelings, anger, bitterness, frustration and the biggest, a huge sense of rejection. She doesn't appear to miss me, think about me, worry about me. I do not think I am even on her radar screen anymore.
So on Saturday evening I wrote a good bye letter in my journal to my wife. Writing it and dealing with saying good bye has been painful to say the least. To finally just throw in the towel and decide to give up, to decide you can't love someone any more so you can move on. I packed up the few photos of her, of us together and family photos that I had at my place. I didn't want to be put in this position but it wasn't my choice in most regards.
I'm done but not at peace with being done, it hurts too d@mn much right now. I'd like to crawl back under a rock but that won't solve anything so I have to soldier on.
In the end I do know one thing, I have always had love, compassion and faith in my heart. I held to the commitment I made to her, to me and to God. But now it's time to let go of that commitment and start again fresh. Where I go from here I have no idea. What life holds, not a clue only that God has a plan for me and I have Faith in Him, in His plan.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Catfan, I am so sorry. Letting go must be so hard. I don't know what to say. May God lead you in the right direction and may you find someone that really wants to spend time with you enjoying the things you enjoy and enjoy just being with you. God Bless and good luck my friend.
in my prayers too catfan))))))))))))))) God has bless you anyways by letting you be a blessing to others on this boards, by giving support, you've grown as a person. Wishing you the best, your W has no idea what she is loosing.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Last night I had a very long conversation with a good friend from a separation/divorce support group I'm in. This past fall I helped her through a rough time with her boyfriend, lots of listening and words of support. I continually kept preaching DBing techniques to her and they worked beautifully! In the end their relationship was restored and is probably better than it's ever been. Last night she said a number of things to me that really helped. First she very clearly outlined what she thought all my strengths were then my weaknesses. After doing that she announced to me "Catfan I can't express just how much a a great guy you are, how you embody everything a woman would want..." (I can't express how much of a boost hearing what she had to say was to me. What she said was from the heart and having a good friend say these things meant even more.)
She went on to call a spade a spade too. She bluntly told me, "you can say you are done but I know you and I know deep down inside you aren't done. You love your wife and you still want to reconcile." She's right, deep down I still haven't let go, I've just loosened my grip a great, great deal. Again having a good friend call it like it is helped a great deal. She gave it to me straight, the good, the bad and the ugly. Which was exactly what I needed to hear.
So as BryanR said in the title of his thread, "Loving a WAS isn't easy". No it is easy, love is the choice we've made, a choice to have love in our hearts and let love rule us. What's hard is dealing with the rejection. Rejection brings about fear and fear is the opposite of Faith.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Rejection is exactly my feeling for today. It is so hard.I want her so bad I can taste it but I know it is going to be a long hard ride. I need to work on me and maybe that will take care of the rejection itself. Cat, isn't it amazing how someone else that cares for you can make you feel with just a few short words. i just wish those words were coming from my W and not a buddy. Cheers and keep your chin up, your going to be fine.
I heard something yesterday that made a lot of sense to me. Hopefully I can explain it well now.
It had to do with achieving through positive thinking (Faith), what you were wanting/needing and where you emotionally or mentally were at.
Basically the concept is that you won't be able to achieve that which you want to achieve if you "want" from a shallow position mentally/emotionally. That you'll only be able to achieve once your wants and needs are coming from a much deeper place mentally , emotionally and spiritually.
So if your wants are highly materialistic, highly needy, rooted in fear and such, those wants and needs are coming from a shallow position. A shallow position doesn't have a strong foundation. However if your wants and needs come from a much deeper rooted emotional, mental and spiritually stable place they will be met because of the depth that they originate and their solid foundation.
We all have experienced these very things. At first when we were left behind we begged, we pleaded for our spouses to return. In other words we were needy and that need came from a rather shallow emotional state that was rooted in fear.
We get out and learn divorcebusting, we get ourselves back right emotionally by focusing on the deep "us", we become more self aware. We get a life, we focus on the positives we have, etc. We now move from being needy at that shallow level to wanting from a deeper much more rooted and stable place.
My point is we always needs to be aware of where we are and where our wants and desires are rooted. Is our desire to restore our marriages rooted in the shallow levels or is it rooted in the solid foundations of a deeper place emotionally, mentally and spiritually?
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Well to be honest it struck me because basically I had moved back to a much shallower place and hadn't really acknowledge that I had. When I heard this the light bulb just turned on. It ties right into what I have been telling folks, Faith is the opposite of fear. If you allow fear to control, your thoughts, desires, feelings and actions then you aren't in control in a positive way. Faith is the positive way to be in control. Faith lets you let go of the things you can't control. Faith lets you focus on you and not on the fear based things.
Recently I announce I was done, it was over, yada, yada, yada. Well I think you know the place I was at, a fear based, wo is me, negative and defeated place. There were no positive thoughts only defeatism. You know what my attitude got me, exactly what I was projecting, failure. A change of attitude in the last week has meant a change in what I have been getting. Show love, compassion, kindness to others and what do you get, it returned in volume!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Day started off great as I as awoken to the sounds of text messages from D9 wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day and I love you messages. :-)
Last night D9 called me and it was clear she was upset. She finally said that she didn't like it that I wasn't home with the people I loved on Valentine's Day. She wanted to see if she could come over tonight to bring me a gift. Of course I told her. :-)
That conversation and a later one with D11 made it clear they both are rather sad about the separation and Valentine's Day. But you know what, I focused on the positives here, the unconditional love between us and I told them that.
My wife asked if it was ok if they came over to drop off a gift from them. She later clarified from the girls. I told her sure thing. So they'll be over this evening to drop it off and spend a bit of time with me. But no dinner plans.
This morning I learned my mother went to the hospital 2 nights ago with unknown issues involving her legs. They still don't know what's going on but there is a suspicion of a pinched nerve in her neck. She'll probably stay another few days. Incidentally she was in FL helping care for her twin brother who just had surgery on his neck!
I did call my wife to tell her and she greatly appreciated it. She's planning on calling my mom later. My mother loves her like her own daughter and I think my wife feels similar about my mom.
Now some bad thoughts, I have a suspicion she's now dating and involved with someone or is interesting in someone. She's grown noticeably emotionally distant but still maintaining a friendly demeanor. She's now online at night until fairly late by her standards. She's evidently going to her room and even the closet at times to talk on the phone. This is bothering the girls especially how my wife will go to her room after work and before dinner to "relax". She'll close the door tell the girls they can't come in, take her computer and phone with her. I know all this because the girls came to me about it. I told them they needed to respect mommy's privacy, let her relax after work then when she's ready they'll spend time together.
Still I'm focusing on the good in life and honestly am having a great day otherwise!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
good for you Cat. I'm sorry about your W new friendship. I hope you continue to keep your chin up and have a great day. I know it is tough man. Cheers.
Now some bad thoughts, I have a suspicion she's now dating and involved with someone or is interesting in someone. She's grown noticeably emotionally distant but still maintaining a friendly demeanor. She's now online at night until fairly late by her standards. She's evidently going to her room and even the closet at times to talk on the phone. This is bothering the girls ...
... Still I'm focusing on the good in life and honestly am having a great day otherwise!
Well, that's a good thing
Sorry to be a downer today. I always suspected there might be someone else involved in your situation. This just proves it, i'd say. She may have been involved with him this whole time; it's only now that she has a legal agreement for financial support from you in place, that she is finally being less vigilant about hiding it from you.
This may be why she "had to have the agreement". because she was tired of hiding it.
Be careful.. she may be letting this slip out now, in hopes of getting you to blow up at her, so that she can justify to herself the step of proceding onto a D. So... dont go there.
You might choose to reveal to her, in a very calm way, that you realize that she is involved with someone now. Possibly with sadness, rather than anger. Then see what her response is. It's a risk. but it is said that things change one way or another, once the affair is out in the open.
Her most probable response will be denial that anything is going on. But in some ways, it doesnt matter what she says to you in reply. The important thing is that she will then know, that you know.
So if you want to catalyze something happening in your relationship.... this would be one way of doing it. Warning: doing this will most likely make things worse, before they possibly get better.
You may not want to actually do this.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
No I am absolutely certain this is a recent thing. Don't ask how I know.
Well if she is, me bringing it up won't help solve anything and definitely won't help ultimately restore our marriage. She's an adult and can make her own decisions about what she does and does not do. I can't and won't try to exert any type of control over that. It's not my place nor is it something I wish or want to do.
Still it's a great day!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
