I keep having to remind myself that h is who he is...he is not like my father though there are some similarities and though he is a man he cannot be put into a category like that...and should not be judged according to some false set of assumptions.
here's the real issue.. something I thought I addressed while h was gone...something I told him I addressed while he was gone..
I have always been insecure...kinda goes with being the sweet little girl growing up..
wonder why LL say's it like it is??
because for so much of her life...she took it..she took it all..she took the boys picking on her..the girls picking on her..her big brothers and father teasing her...one day LL snapped and decided the best thing to do is be a biatch...be tough...then no one will tease you...no one will bother you...they'll think youre strong and they wont try to hurt your feelings.
becuase so many picked on me (and for the life of me I just can't figure out why..jelousy??) I started to believe it...while I was in college full time...working 30+ hours a week and still having a life...for some reason I felt lazy??? lazy, that's obserd!!! father though my brothers and I to be lazy so I felt lazy no matter what I did.
h was this wonderful guy...a true gentlemen when I met him...a sweet kind...thoughtfull 19 year old like no other I knew..I didn't know why he would want to be with me. I never felt good enough for him and still don't...thing is somehow that get's communicated to h that he's not good enough for me.
anyway back to the point...I was insecure and depended to much on h to make me feel good about myself...taking it personally when h had his own thing to do that didn't include me...wanting to constantly be reasurred etc. I realized that it was not fair of me to expect h to make me feel good about myself.
since h has come home I have started to once again..look to him for reasurrances, acceptance, approval etc. it's not fair and I know it..if h didn't think I was good enough h wouldn't have come home...if h didn't think I was good enough h wouldn't be trying as hard as he is.
LL needs to take a good look at herself and realize that she IS good enough...she's good enough for h..she's good enough for her kids...she's good enough for the in laws (and if not well too bad!!) she's good enough for the neighbors...she's good enough for this world..
it's amazing how my pma fluctuates...I go from feeling pitiful and useless....to feeling on top of the world almost too good. how do I find the balance...how to I keep it going?? I don't want to use drugs to make me feel good about myself but I'm getting tired of the ups and downs..this sit..well not the whole sit..but the fact that h had the ea and left..is making it hard for me to feel good about myself...after all I wasn't good enough, thing is I was...it was h who thought he wasn't good enough or at least that's what got communicated to him.
H mapped out exit routes for you for the next two trees He did hear you, he did give you big hugs, but in his language, acts of service. He wanted to help you avoid the fear and help make you feel safe. Can you feel the hugs there? Big hugs, just no arms
Just got this from W using BF's e-mail address: ("Remember, WAS's are in pain too") and causing double pain to LBS's
Tony, made it to Miami, OK, won't be back until Friday. Sooooo- Saturday - for sure - I will do that work. Do you care ? Thank-you for the nice note, no apology needed, and I continue to be your friend, also. W
Your H is not your father. My W finally came to the realization (thru her C) that I’m not one of her children. It’s never good to put people into pigeon holes.
You’ve always been insecure. Well, that may or not be true. If it is, then it’s something for you to work on, but I wouldn’t pigeon hole yourself either. The things you want from your H aren’t really unreasonable. Consolation when you’ve received a scare (falling tree), spontaneous affection, ILY, etc. These are not – of themselves – signs of insecurity.
Having to ask for the things you want… Well, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to expect a certain amount of empathy and for your H to at least try to anticipate some of the things you want. He’s not of a mind to put the effort into it, and that doesn’t make him bad or aloof. A tad insensitive? Perhaps. But without analyzing him too much, maybe he’s been too caught up in the hurt he caused you and doesn’t want to be too sensitive. By that, I mean that he’s had to shelf his sensitivity in order not to think too hard about how insensitive he’s been. And maybe it’s become a habit.
Have you told him of the things you’d like him to do on an ongoing basis? Sorry, I forget (I can be insensitive too). Maybe he needs sort of a list. Some things can become habit forming by creating rituals. If you want hugs, how about a “Honey, I’m home” ritual wherein you share a kiss. That sort of thing.
These sorts of things used to work for my W (waaaaaaaay back when she wanted it).
Right now, I’m in a bit of a dilemma. I figured that if I agree to all of W’s requests, she’d respond in kind – at least some of the time. However, my problem isn’t that I have to ask all of the time. My problem is that the answer is always “no.”
Oh well.
Anyway, do you think my ideas might help your H to be more conscious of what you want?
LL...you are one smart lady...of course we all knew that...you need to give yourself some credit... you know you can't change him..but have realized he is who he is..you are taking the time and effort to see the things he does offer..I know that looking back on 24 years..that I wished at times h was like my friends h or like my bil...gifts..flowers..romantic..I now see that is not him..but he is gentle..caring...kind..easy going..loveable and I took all that for granted. Just some advice from a someone married a long time...appreciate who you have and remember the reasons you chose him in the first place.
sssshhhhhh!!! h is saying soooo much....I just need to be quiet and listen!!!
actually tonight h used words...when he finished working outside...h was getting himself dinner..ok I got up and helped...h hugged me...then said...thank you so much for everything you're doing...I'm sorry youre in such a crappy place right now...I'm sorry. looooong hug...LL tears..hug ends..aaahhh!! back to getting dinner ready...eat...then h tells me he will be bringing home the rest of his stuff from the apartment...just needs to find the time to do so..was planning on getting rid of the apt by the first of may...in law issues..they (they are in between homes right now) will be using the apartment for a while...h expressed to me that it is not in any way a means for him to keep the apartment handy...and I'm ok with that.
so things are good.
if you want it you've got it, you just got to believe!!!!! believe in yourself!!
LL, Sorry I haven't been by much. Having a hard time keeping up with everyone. I see you have had your ups and downs, but it looks like things are moving forward and your H is "learning". That is wonderful.
Getting his stuff from the apartment? Good news!!!
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
nyP 
He did hear you, he did give you big hugs, but in his language, acts of service. He wanted to help you avoid the fear and help make you feel safe. Can you feel the hugs there? Big hugs, just no arms 
WHOOPIE!