"Pressure" is precisely what any affair needs. Some of that pressure comes naturally, from within the affair itself, as the infidels begin to see each other's "warts," and the initial excitement and infatuation wears off, and reality sets it. But other pressure can be brought to bear externally, and YOU get to be in charge of it! The pressure of a parent, sibling, or other person she respects, going to her and imploring her to end her affair and return to her family. The pressure of cutting off any resources that enable their affair.
You need to not even MAKE statements like "My pledge to you remains. I will give you the time and space you need to resolve your issues. Just know that I love you.", but if you DO make them, you need to finish it with a steely gaze directly into her eyes and " . . . but make no mistake about it, ______ (and use her name here, and not a "pet" name), my patience is NOT limitless. You do have a decision to make, and a lot of us pray you make the right one."
From now on, can you to be drop-dead honest with me and yourself?
Trying, someone in the midst of an affair will LIE. In fact, nearly ALWAYS, to protect the affair and its addiction. It's sad, pathetic, and it'll piss you off, but the sooner you come to grips with the phrase "All cheaters lie," the better you will be able to make decisions and do the things you need to do.
Like a "real" country with a standing army and democratic rule, fighting against cells of terrorists, you are NOT in a fair fight. That's true emotionally, and it's even true spiritually. It's not a fair fight, and your wife does NOT have your marriage's best interests at heart right now.
So guess what -- YOU need to.
I know, this sukks. It sukks worse than anything else you'll ever go through. But it CAN be done.
Don't worry, I am with you. I appreciate the concern and constructive critcism.
I knew it would make you, me, everyone who read that letter in this forum sick because it was so NOT the right thing to do. I get it now, but I was in my own fog on that day. I didn't really know what I was up against. By sharing that leter, I was just coming clean with all of you so you could know how I have behaved.
Now I am beginning to understand what it will take.
YES, I am on board with the idea that I am a man that has limits and will not be patient forever. I must control what I can control.
There will be lots of missteps; many fits and starts. The important thing is that we learn from them, and improve our technique, and grow individually and become stronger. If I wasn't continuing to see some things in your actions that are very similar to what was in that letter, I wouldn't be beating yo up about it.
So long as we are more afraid of our spouse's responses than we are of losing our marriages (and our families), we will never step out in the courage and boldness required of such a tough task.
But other pressure can be brought to bear externally, and YOU get to be in charge of it! The pressure of a parent, sibling, or other person she respects, going to her and imploring her to end her affair and return to her family.
Choc,
Can you expound on this a bit? My W has a sister and close friend she is confiding in. I know they are on my "side" because they have told me so, and I believe them. What should I say to them to help them know what to say to my W to apply that pressure?
Ask them to confirm that they are supportive of the marriage. If yes, then ask your sister-in-law if she will implore your wife to end all contact with the OM, in a way that's acceptable to you her husband, and get into some good pro-marriage counseling with you.
Everyone's position needs to be the same: end the affair, and go work on your marriage.
Tell your SIL that you realize that you are not without faults in the marriage (but that you will NOT accept responsibility for your wife's foolish and selfish decision to have an affair!), and that -- once your wife agrees to 100% no-contact -- you are willing to address ANY AND ALL ISSUES with her and a MC.
Choc.
P.S. Be very careful when dealing her her family. It's good that they're supportive, but there's a reason why they say blood is thicker than water, kwim? Don't say anything negative about your wife that could get back to her. If you realize this, you can use this conduit for GOOD -- example, say -- if you mean it -- something like "You know, (SIL's name), I really love (wife's name), and I want to work on this marriage more than anything. I do NOT want a divorce, and (some genuine compliment about your wife -- like "she is still the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on," or "she's such a strong person"). But until she ends all contact with this guy, we can't possibly work on our marriage, and I need everyone's help."
As un-funny as all of this is, I loved your comment:
Quote:
I am learning that she has to be ready to give up her man-crack
On day 2 of 'discovery' (confirmation, really) W and I had a very long talk about how she wished she never met OM and never screwed up our marriage. She vowed to end the relationship with him. For the next 2 days she cried at the thought of giving it up. On the third day she decided that she had to do what was right for her and she continued her A.
I don't want to throw a wrench into the works here but I think the continued application of pressure may backfire (remember, telling her you want the A to end, telling her you love her, telling her that the two of you CAN fix the marriage will all be seen as pressure).
I believe that if you haven't made this information clear to her already, then you should do it now, but then let it go. Make it clear to her that you do not condone what is happening and that you do NOT find yourself in "acceptance" (my wife LOVED telling everyone that I had finally accepted her decision).
My experience (real life and from this board) is that the more you push, the more she will be drawn to the OM. As you already mentioned, guilt will do nothing to help your cause and I'm afraid the book you mentioned, although well-intentioned, will be seen as trying to guilt her. I can almost guarantee you that she will tell you that she understands the pain she will be causing but that she has to do what is right for her.
Everyone's situation is a little different though. Ohio_Mark has a knack for providing a to-do list for newbies. Ignore the gender-specific comments, it works both ways:
Originally Posted By: Ohio_Mark
1. Visit this website daily. Read and read about what others are doing and what they have been through. You will find a lot of similarity.
2. Keep this thread updated. You will only get advice and help if you keep your thread current.
3. Do not tell your husband about this website or anything else that you are doing to prevent a divorce. Hide everything you are reading in a secure spot. This is very important.
4. Although Hurtin mentioned that you may dive to the depths of hell, do not be afraid. Your fear will doom your marriage. Be strong, confident, and positive. Be chipper and optimistic. In general, behave in the opposite way that you feel. I know, I know, this is darn difficult. But your husband will be repulsed by negativity, grumpiness, moodiness, and bitchiness. So you gotta be a person he wants to be around, even though, right now, he does not want to be around you.
5. This may seem like an impossible goal right now, you need to reach the point where you no longer depend on your husband's love and acceptance for your happiness. Right now, you are saying, "I can't be happy without him!!!" But you can. Work on getting to this place.
6. The relationship with his girlfriend is doomed. Keep that in the back of your mind.
7. Don't conspire against him, or against them. Anything you do to drive them apart will only push them together. If you can't control it, let it go. (this, dear, is the most difficult of them all).
8. Involve yourself in activities outside the home and outside the marriage. Join groups (support group for parents of autistic kids, divorced/separated, prayer groups... anything). Go get a life outside the marriage. It will have a double-pronged effect of showing your husband you have "moved on" and it will take your mind off of the pain of what he is doing.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
That is definitely the other School of Thought. In my experience, the "We Mustn't Spook the Infidels!" approach doesn't work. Simply peruse the boards (this and others), and look at people's footers (the part at the bottom that gives their little personal timeline). There are people still sitting there, one, two, even three years later, faithful GALing, and just hoping their spouse will come back to them.
Good responses - thank you all. I am also learning that there is no one-size-fits-all method to restoring a marriage after the Big A. Why is there not a Betty Ford-like clinic for unfaithful spouses or maybe a 12 step program for Fogaholics Anonymous??
I am definately taking all of this feedback and trying to mend it into my "plan." I keep reading all of these posts in this thread, and other posts on this site over and over. Don't know where I would be without all this feedback.
I am about to go get some exercise. And tonight, after the kids are in bed, I am going to get some friend-time with my neighborhood buddies. I can do this. Thanks again.
I think you have to read up on the different approaches, and then do what feels right for you. For me, I've always been a conflict-avoider by nature, and the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" stuff really stung, and rang true with me. I'm a "pleaser" and a "rescuer" and I've always placated my wife and been afraid of her ire.
I wanted an approach that would make ME stronger, regardless of the outcome. Of course, it had to be an approach that had worked for thousands of other couples (and the "confront and expose, while making yourself more attractive" approach has), and it had to be something I could FOLLOW. My head was spinning, and it was no time for my bagger to ask me if I wanted "paper or plastic." I just needed to get to work bagging the damned groceries.
We all have our own level of self-respect, and boundaries of disrespect, and our own values and morals about marriage and divorce. You have to do what feels right to you, and aligns with your beliefs. Ask God to help you -- He will!
