Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Need some hope

Good question. I haven't figured that one out yet. While I will try to detach myself from needing her, I guess (at least right now) in the back of my mind I will be acting in ways to help her remember what it is she is about to lose in me. Maybe that is detaching, maybe not. I just started working on this today, so I still don't have a plan down yet. I just know I don't want to lose what we have.

Very difficult though. It kills me to think about her having the affair and it kills me to think that it is still going on.

It may be too early to say for sure, but I guess I will have to put some timeline on her for her to choose what she wants? Not ready to do that yet since the dust hasn't even settled. But I won't be a doormat forever.

Ok first thing you have to do expose, expose, expose. Tell everyone you know about this, tell her family, you have to at the very least tell the OMW about this. Does she know?

Not sure I agree with you there. I am not trying to destroy reputations or get into any one else's messed up relationship. It may be tempting to expose, but I am gaining nothing from doing that except exacting revenge. I am trying to save this marriage, so if I make the whole world know of the infidelity, I would only be hurting myself right now. I don't want my kids to hear from other kids what their mommy did. I think that would be pretty awful. If they don't have to know, I don't want to tell them.

Learn to live by what I'm about to say, and to judge her by the same:

Actions, not words.

Show her you're fighting. One of the things I had to learn was, I've always been a pretty good wordsmith, and I learned to put actual faith in words. That if I could just craft her a persuasive enough e-mail, if I could just write oh-so-perfect song lyrics to her, why then everything would be ok.

(((rrrrr!!! WRONG!)))

Talk is cheap. SHOW her.

As for this:



Man, that was the hardest. I used to come around the curve in the road, approaching my house, and my skin would crawl when I would see her car in the driveway. Conversely, my heart would leap when I'd see she was gone, at work! And I used to DREAD the weekends. Turns out she had the same feelings, LOL.

I was advised to make my demeanor around her what we called "Joe Friday." As in, "nothing but the facts, ma'am." I was courteous and civil, but did NOT go out of my way in any way to extend extra kindnesses to her. We were businesslike; cordial.

Man it is hard to see if that dim dim light at the end of a tunnel is the sun or a train. I am wavering emotionally every freaking minute. One minute I am strong as can be. Then the next minute I read something they say to each other and I just want the pain to be over. I AM willing to fight for this, but this is the toughest fight ever. I am competing with a fantasy world. I am competing with teenage-like love. I only have reality on my side. I know my W isn't into reality these days. How could she even think about the big D with everything we have at stake? It makes NO sense. She is out of her mind and she has to come back to earth. I realize I can't bring her back down. But I am afraid if she isn't grounded soon, she and the OM are going to make the biggest mistakes of her lives.

It helps to have an outlet to get these feelings out. But it just is soooooo unfair....... bad things happening to good people.

Trying,

It is what it is, and the sooner you get the "Life is supposed to be fair" thing out of your mind, the better you will do.

Do you golf?

I used to golf a ton back in the pre-kid days. Now I only get out there once or twice a year.

Today, I started to rekindle a couple of past hobbies/passions. I am looking for outlets for my energy. There are moments when I can do anything, and then the next moment I am sapped of all energy because the future seems bleak. Man I sound like a whiner.

TMB,

We've been there where you're at. The hardest thing to realize is that there is nothing we can do to get our spouses to wake up and nothing we can do to get them to change -- if this is to happen, they have to do this on their own.

In fact, the last person a WAS will listen to while they're in their "fog" is their spouse. Sad but true.

So all we can do is to pray. Pray to God that He will find a way to find that opening into your W's heart. Only He can change a person's heart, and only if that person allows Him to.

Yes, bad things do happen to good people, unfortunately. That free will God let us have ain't always so wonderful, is it? It's both a blessing and a curse.

We're in your corner, brother.

If a hacker golfer (like us) cracks off a 240-yard drive, down the middle of the fairway -- the shot of his life -- and the ball comes to rest in . . . in . . in a DIVOT! . . . we would walk up to the poor lie and immediately think

"Man, what a crappy break. I'll NEVER be able to hit that shot!"

A professional golfer takes on look at the lie and says "hmm, better use one more club -- hand me my 7-iron."

Any thoughts of "this just isn't fair" don't even cross his mind -- he's all about what he needs to do to solve the problem.

THAT'S the mindset you need to try to adopt, man.

P.S.

I agree with "expose." Not to everyone and their brother, but to key influencers in her life -- parents, siblings, best friends. And certainly to the OM's wife, who has a right to know.