Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? HELP!! my 25 y/o H walked out... maybe mlc? HELP!!

Hi DA,

I completely agree with Cat--your H is in a depression, trying to fill a void with anything and everything, when really, he needs to fill it with himself.

Baby steps are good. hopefully, he will realize that he needs to work on himself.

I was feeling really down tonight. I was missing him, I was lonely. Sunday nights are the worst for me.

I decided to treat myself and ordered some thai takeout, which I've always wanted to try but never did before because H doesn't like trying new foods. I rented "Sliding Doors", with Gwenyth Paltrow, which I had never seen before.

PERFECT DB MOVIE!! It turned my night around!! I feel so much better about just moving on in general, and I realized how much I DON'T need my H. If he never comes back, I'll be fine. I might even be better.

I feel better and stronger right now than I think I have since he left, maybe even since a month or so before he left.

I am so happy. I think i'm going to buy that movie, lol

Yayy darkestangel, so glad to see ya feeling this way!!!!

YAY! I'm happy for you too!

One thing that I think you might relate to considering you knew/dated your H in high school:

My counselor and I discussed something. I've known my H since we were 10, but didn't date until we were freshman in college. But, I had a sort of impression of him, a high school impression of him. In HS, he was an "all around type of guy", came from a good family (the "well-to-do" side of town), was everything I would want in HS. When we started dating, I was still in the mind set of what I wanted my boyfriend to be (of course I was, b/c I was 18, fresh out of HS). But, we continued to date, eventually married. Now, I'm 29 y/o. All that time, I never adjusted our life to be mature "adults". I mean, of course, I grew more responsibility, etc. But, what I'm realizing now is that H didn't meet my mature needs. He is financially instable (if he didn't have parents who were well off, he would be screwed), he is indecisive, can't keep a committment (always jumps from job to job, even career to career) and was also emotionally insecure with himself.

I too, realized that I hadn't allowed myself to full mature until this separation, the OW bomb, sort of MADE ME. And I'm realizing just now what my mature needs are. It would be a man who can own up to his responsibilities, let go of his HS self.

I've realized, I need to start thinking for my mature self, rather than my HS self and what is important to me now. And, I'm realizing, for as much as I love H, how much does he really even meet my mature needs?

H droppef off d3 this afternoon. We chattecd for a while, like friends.

I don't want to be friends. I want him to realize, or at least validate, our marriage was worth something. i feel DBing is helping ME get "over" him (if there really is such a thing), but I feel like it's an easy way out for him. He gets to walk away easier, it seems like. We don't talk about our marriage, or our relationship or problems or anything. He comes by, i'm in a good mood, we chit chat and he leaves to go live his responsibility-free life with OW. I'm stuck with all of the household responsibilities.

Bath, you bring up a good point. He doesn't meet my mature needs. But I feel like he could. He just doesn't want to.

Okay, so I did a backslide.

H wrote a blog (I know, I should just stop reading his blogs) about how he called an old friend that he's been avoiding to talk about me. He said he thought his friend was going to be critical, but they were supportive and listened to him, so he felt better about it.

I wrote him back, I know I shouldn't. I've been good about no contact except when he initiates it, or when it involves D3.

Anywho, I wrote,

"H, you wrote how you were avoiding talking to your friend about me, but you don't even talk to me about me. I've been doing the best I can for you, me and d3 in this divorce, but I feel like how I feel is being put on the back burner. It would be nice to have some sort of validation that at one point, we had a relationship where we could talk to each other. I want you to be happy, I just wish you felt comfortable talking to me."

I don't even know why I wrote him the d@mn thing, I'm pmsing (I'm listening to sad songs, crying and eating nachos- that just screams pms!) and I freakin know better. I haven't even brought up anything related to OR/M/D in about 2 weeks, I was doing so good! And I have been seeing small baby steps in this past week. I hope this email doesn't set me back a week.

I could just kick myself! I need to stop reading his blogs. We use myspace, and I took him off my friends list, but I feel like his blog is my only link to how he's feeling. His last blog was so telling! And, with myspace, you have a tagline that runs alongside your picture. He changes his every couple months or so, he changed it today to "Pain, Depression, Violence, Anger, Hate."

I don't know if I read too much into things (like his last blog, which I copied & pasted, and posted on here) or if he's just depressed. I don't know what to think. I don't know if I want him or not, if I can forgive him or not.

I don't even know what I want from him anymore. He's someone I don't know, some man who looks and smells like my old H that I loved so much, but with a different mind and soul.

Okay, so what do I do if he calls or writes back?

It's like me expecting my 9yr old to say he likes school. If he really thought about it he'd realize it is good for you, that school is a great place that will deifne his future, but no way in heck he will, he refuses to see the truth. Same with your H, remember, he is remembering your M's past with drab colors, you can't force him to say it was worth something, then that would make him wrong by leaving and being with ow and he is not about to admit he's messed up royally.

Sadly, you have been put in the backburner and he doesn't feel confortable talking with you (just learned the hard way that for the A to work the LBS has to be made wrong, my H has told ow whoppers about me). For the time being your H is impared and doesnt' want to acknowledge that there was goodness in your M, that you guys did have something good going on.

Sounds like depression mixed with a bunch of other unhealthy things, check out the book "is he depressed or what" to understand the depressed male, you just can't trust anything they say.
Yes, pms isnt' our friends in times like this, pamper yourself and focus on your little d3. You must let his ailment run its course hon, it can't be rushed, you can't talk him into reasoning, this is a long ride hon.

If he calls don't go into heavy R talk, chances are you wont' like what he's gotta say. Focus on keeping yourself healthy.

I feel better now. Thank you for your kind words, cat.

My goal 2 weeks ago was not to initiate contact (no calling/ email), besides when it concerned d3 (being that her birthday was last friday). I did okay, not great because I did send him a couple funny emails and today I sent him one, but for the most part I was really proud of myself. I have been upbeat, and I have not uttered ILY at all.

My next goal is to continue not initiating contact. I want to start going to the gym again. I have an interview for a second part-time job on Wednesday as a pharmacy clerk. My friend works there as a Pharmacy Technician, and she makes the schedules, so she can work with my availability (I work m-f 8am-12pm and d3's preschool closes at 6pm). I also want to paint my living room, but I'm going to wait until I'm more financially okay.

I KNOW I should stop checking his myspace page. Sometimes I think it's my only link to what he's thinking, but then again, maybe it's just me torturing myself. I'll work on checking it less.


DBing is definetly good for the soul. I feel so much better than I ever imagined I would after 6 weeks. EVen with it's ups and downs, for the most part, I am doing good!

I also tortured myself checking out ow's myspace pg, I just kept going there (a least she had no journal, phew), I understand how very hard must be for you not to go there, I wouldnt' trust myself either if my H had one now. Begin by telling yourself you'll cut down the amount of times you go there, if you go 3x per day go 2x, then once, then on on until you only go there very few times a week.
I was just thinking of the same thing, wanted to paint my bedroom, since I moved in I have done nothing to make it nicer, H never cared for the house, so now I will make it more cozy, H is leaving this week.

Keep up the good job))))