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Dear Beth,

Just checking in... wondering how you're doing. Taking a step back and taking hold of your feelings sounds really, really, really smart. It sounds like One Day & Short 1 have raised some really helpful points. !!!

I am beaming you rays of support!!
(((BETH)))
transformer

Hi All. I had a long day. I'm sorry I've been a little MIA. Promise will write more soon.

But, H has been texting and e-mailing me about a lot of little random things that I would relate to. Just now, he texted me "I'm at the event and saw (our wedding photographer). When it was over, i tried to find him, but couldn't. How funny, though?"

I didn't text him back. I really wanted to (either something nasty or not), but am not going to. Maybe texting him back nasty would be a 180?

WTF?

A text about our W-E-D-D-I-N-G photographer! We loved our wedding photographer as a person, but why would he do that. He. Just. Isn't. Thinking.

Hey Beth,

You're right- he isn't thinking. And he is confused. Wedding photographer?!!

Sounds like you are being really strong and centered. Hope you're not too busy with work/study. I'm thinking of you!

L.xx

Beth,

just checking in... been thinking of you and wondering what you're thinking and up to!

HUGS
T

Hi All!!

I've been taking some time for myself, just to think and sort through my feelings.

I had a very interesting session w/ my C last week. Basically, I'm realizing that I may not actually be able to handle how much H and I are talking. That I keep putting myself out there for him, but I really feel hurt. This supports my feeling about going dark for a little bit. H and IM'd on Thursday. He is going to FL w/ his mom to help with the house his parents are building down there. We talked a little about that and some other random stuff. H easily contacts me when he is not w/ OW, but doesn't when he is with her. So infuriating to me. It puts me very much in a "fight" mode (I'm your wife, I'm prettier, a better catch..you WILL pay attention to ME) I realize that there is a big part of me that just wants her out of the picture b/c I don't want her to triumph over me. Ugh.

But, I've been having a good weekend otherwise. Went to a bachelorette party yesterday and was complimented a lot (positive from when H left me--I lost 20 pounds over the summer! HA!) I have a wedding in 2 weeks, so that should be fun too.

I sometimes wonder if all this would be easier for me if I wasn't sitting in OUR house, looking at OUR and HIS things.

Any ideas of book suggestions? I feel like a have read so many and may need a tune-up.

Dear Beth!!

It's good to hear your update!! I'm glad to hear about the bachelorette party & compliments. Isn't WA-induced weight loss hilarious?? It happened to me too Who knew?

Is there a way you could make yourself a space that was 100% all Beth? Even if it was just a corner, where you could go, and not have to think "ours" or "his" thoughts? Or maybe you could redecorate one of the rooms, or even just get a new duvet cover and sheets, or a new bathmat, something to help you feel more in control of your environment? If you can't put yourself in a new house, maybe you can create a new beth-strengthening sanctuary within it. or maybe plan a special trip to a new place?

book suggestions!!

I just finished the "love letters" chapter from mars and venus. I was a little resistant to mars and venus but it is very gentle and funny and super helpful. I thought it would be most helpful for piecing & retrospective analysis until I got to the "love letters" chapter, which is about releasing negative emotions, even if the other person doesn't witness it. Parts of it are almost exactly like Thich Nhat Hahn's Anger, "hello, my little sadness, I will take care of you". So I thought of you You've probably already read mars & venus, but maybe a re-read of the love letters chapter? & have you read Anger yet? I'd be interested in what you thought about it.

I have some more reading on my list I haven't done yet: five languages of apology; the secrets men keep; four agreements; and how to improve your marriage without talking about it. Just read another post that recommended "getting back together".

I remember a while back you mentioned that you wanted to read more novels! Can you recommend some good novels for *me* to read? Sometimes I need to take a break from the r-related reading. (If you need a good novel, have you read "middlesex" or "what is the what" yet? both are excellent).

You are so strong, Beth!! keep us posted!
((((BETH))))

Hey Beth!! Brilliant to hear from you- I missed you!!

I love T's suggestions about changing your environment a little. Updating a little, or changing some of the soft furnishings can make a big difference....

I thought your comments about interactions with H were really thought-provoking. The fight reaction is really tough to deal with- almost as though (as The Art of Seduction says) H is creating a triangle desire- where the interest of/R with someone else fuels another persons desire. What helps me is to think that I don't NEED to compete with OW. Because there is NO competition; we are better catches than them in every respect because we respect ourselves. We would not pursue married men. We stand by our commitments (to our M) even when the going is about as tough as it is ever going to get.

NO COMPETITION!!

I totally understand your wanting to go NC though- I feel like that quite often (hence the circles I think we travel on on my thread!). You are so strong and centered Beth! Not surprised you got some complimented at the party!!

L.xx

Hi Beth, I just realized I haven't posted to you in a while! So, I thought I'd throw in a couple pennies, and give a hug! ((((Beth 83)))) OK, so you saw through me, I really just came by to give a pretty, smart, witty young lady a hug!

No, actually, I think transformer's idea of redoing even a small space to be yours makes a huge amount of sense! I think if you think about it you could take care of most of your awake time in the house pretty easily. Personalize a bit, and put some of "his" stuff away, and see if you feel a little better in the house!

Hi! I read your QLC thread. My WAH is 25, and our stories are very very similar!
It's been 5 weeks since my H dropped the bomb. We'd been in each others lives since the 7th grade, dated for 3 years, broke up and were friends for 5, back together and married for 3 1/2. Only man I ever loved.

Now, he's dating a 37 year old co-worker and going out to clubcs & bars.
Any advice? Seeing how your WAH is about the same age as mine? I'm doing the best I can with DB, but it's tough.

Hi Darkestangel, I have a lot to say but i'm at work. Will write tonight...