I appreciate the kinds words of understanding and the advice, including the poem.
But I already blew it on those accounts. And I am not sorry I did, at least not yet.
I guess I did a 180 from what I was doing, being loving and supportive, telling him to take all the time he needs to figure out his life.
Although it might actually be a good thing, bc he mentioned (before I wrote him the letter saying I wanted him to take all the time he needed to figure out his life and himself before we even think about working on us) that he didn't understand why I wasn't more pis$$ed about our situation, how I could be civil to the OW when I saw her at a work function, even make conversation with her (I don't know how I did it either must have been God's help). He told the counselor that part of him viewed me as weak for being willing to put up with his $hit, to just "love him anyway" and still want to be with him.
So maybe for me to be so angry right now is a good thing. I haven't really allowed myself to get angry at him. I have done crying, I have done whining, I have done begging/pleading. Then I did letting go, telling him to do whatever he has to do. I didn't talk him out of the apartment. I even got some things together for it (dishes, bedding, towels, etc) and had them boxed up before he moved--although he didn't move...
So I did weepy pathetic and I did loving supportive and not a d*mn thing changed. Last night I did good and fired up angry. Today I talked to him and was just basically emotion-free detached, told him what I thought and then ended the conversation. No yelling, no tears, no blame, just what I was thinking and then goodbye.
Here is what started this chapter of the saga:
He stayed out all night. The one thing I said I didn't want him to do. I woke up at 3:00 and realized he wasn't home yet. I texted him and long story short he said he was sleeping on Jordan's couch. That I "knew" he was going to be gone bc in his "forget it" text he said talk to you tomorrow. I said I figured that meant you'd be home late and we'd talk tomorrow. I pointed out that if I ever in our marriage were to stay out all night, whether I called or NOT, he would be livid. He said I was right. I told him that he was a husband and father not a wild college kid and he didn't need to be out all night. He said he was supposed to be in an apartment right now anyway. I said yes, but you aren't, and as long as you live here I don't appreciate your behavior. I told him to find out if he could just live with Jordan until he moved to Omaha--in the course of the convo. he said he was 90% he'd be taking the Omaha job. That I didn't want him living with us if he was going to act that way. I also told him I was going to live at the house until it sold (prob. 4-5 months) and keep working here, there was no reason for me to go to Omaha. I am sure that shocked him since both our parents live in the area, and our siblings are in a 2 hr radius. Then I got off of the phone and went to bed, but I was awake all night. He didn't even come home to shower or change for work. SO I guess he took extra clothes with him, must have known he was staying out all night. Can't help but wonder now about OW and just how EX is she.... Anyway fast forward to this morning. Son complaining of being sick. Don't know why but I called H's work like I WASN'T going to do. Was going to ask him his verdict--mine was send the boy to school, he was only complaining of tummy ache and hadn't gotten sick at all. Another guy answered & said H was in a meeting. I left no message. Got home from running kids and H called. I answered--like I wasn't going to do--and he asked what was up. I told him he was the one calling? He said he had a message on his desk to call me. I said I did call you but didn't ask you to call me back. Seemed to surprise/disappoint him a little. I gave him the gist on S and said I made the decision on my own. Then he said,
"So you have no use for this, huh?"
I asked what, he said moving to Omaha. I said not now, no and proceeded, very calmly, to explain what I said on the board last night. That if he was on the verge of moving out of the house, if we weren't sleeping in the same room or even touching each other, I saw no reason to move to Omaha. That I had been patient and supportive of him and his need for space until now but that him being out all night again was the last straw. That I was extremely disappointed that he would stay out all night after telling me he may have a new job and be moving away. That for us to have so much to talk about and him to not even come home really bothered me and I didn't want to be with an H who didn't give me consideration. He said he understood that. I said so things will really have to change before I think of doing anything right now. He said that made sense and we had a lot to talk about and we would talk tonight. I also pointed out that visitation would be much more complicated now w/him in Omaha and me here. It is a 3 hour drive almost and so that would eliminate weekday visits....Anyway I know he has a lot to think about now.
He already had a lot to think about job-wise but it sounds like he is pretty firm on quitting this job and moving to Omaha in the near future. So now he has to decide where the kids and I fit into his new-job, new-life plan. And I have to decide whether I want to fit....
So my verdict was wrong, 30 minutes after S and D went to school/daycare they called, S had thrown up all over the place. So now we are hanging out at home today, him on the floor w/a puke bucket, me on the couch, watching Transformers. I could watch it over and over....
I am not planning to talk to H again unless/until he comes home tonight and wants to talk.
On a totally unrelated note, my sister called this morning. Seems she has a trip to LA for the Bar Association (she's a lawyer) in Feb. and her H backed out of going with her due to work commitments. So I get to be her guest! We are staying at, get this,
The Beverly Hilton! Yes, in Beverly Hills.
And going to dinner at I think its called Design Studio of the Pacific or Pacific Studio of Design or something like that. And the next night is an outing at SkyBar, which I believe I have read about in my trash-magazines like US Weekly as a big Hollywood Hangout spot.
So yay, H can go out on the town in Kansas City, I will be going out in Hollywood!?!
H called a while ago. I was actually asleep on the couch (I was awake all night) with S5 on the floor resting by his puke bucket--poor baby!--so I answered before I remembered I wasn't speaking to him.
H asked if it was okay for him to go on the formal interview tomorrow afternoon. Even though he basically has the job I think, from the phone interview, he is going up in person to check out the location of the company in Omaha and meet the boss face-to-face. Yesterday in my anger at him not coming home I told him that Thursday was his day with the kids on the visitation schedule.
I said, I was pretty upset with you yesterday. But of course I want you to go on the interview. I really hope you get the job and I really hope you enjoy living back home (I made no mention of me). Then he tells me he will be home tonight, and tomorrow before the interview, and he is taking Friday off to move around some of the hay he still needs to deliver to Iowa.
Didn't I tell him I wanted him to move in with a buddy and leave me alone? That I couldn't handle his coming and going whenever he wanted with no explanation?
So I don't know if I should have said something but I didn't. We do have a lot to talk about so I guess it is okay if he comes home tonight. But once the kids are asleep he better be in a talking mood or I am telling him again to move out. As long as he is waffling and doesn't know what he is doing I think it is easier not to have to see him every night, or as it went last night to NOT see him.....
Hi BobbiJo. Sorry I wasn't around the other night when your H was being a ars. Sounds like you have rebounded ok and are handling things well. I agree with you telling him your reasons for not wanting to go to Omaha. My H has mentioned getting a job elsewhere but has made no mention of us going. Makes me want to say WTF.
My H is really good at avoiding talking. When I tell him we need to talk about something he will say we can do it ....and name a time a few days away. Then he doesn't want to talk then. My H has complained that we didn't communicate in the past, but he makes no effort now. So try to find some inner peace before you talk to your H tonight. Remember to remain calm and state your reasons, questions, etc. like you did here.
OK that whole conversation madness that you went through with your husband when he accused you of not having a civil conversation and he dismissed you is so reminiscent (I don't know how to spell the word) of conversations that I had with my H. You know BJ that is just nuts. It took being seperated for me to see how crazy those sorts of coversations were. You end up feeling like sh-t while he goes and parties it up the rest of the night. I used the do that all the time and guess what? When I would call right back right to voicemail I would go. Don't call back anymore. I stopped doing that. It's like they are playing mind games. The normal thing to have done would have been to come home and talk. Don't let him convince you otherwise and don't you apologize for expecting that. I stopped calling back long ago and when I feel the conversation going bad I simply say "OK". He expected you to call right back and that's why he sent you to voicemail. If you are like me you know how you are going to respond and the more I talk the more I put my foot in my mouth. Again, it's best to just say "OK". My H always came home, but it started getting later and later and later and any later would have been the next day. That I won't tolerate. I don't want to be up worrying and I know I will and I find it disrespectful. I asked my H to leave because I knew it was going there and that I just would not tolerate. Outta sight, outta mind. If you are not here the dirt you do is not being rubbed in my face. The other thing I don't do anymore is make threats. When he would start getting disrespectful I would threaten to leave or tell him he could leave. I would never follow through. Now if I say it I mean it. It's OK for you to tell him if he spends one more night out you and the kids won't be joining him in Omaha, but then don't join him. Also, my H said the same thing yours did about thinking I was weak for putting up with his crap. It's funny because me putting up with his crap had very little to do with him. It was about me and my valuing my vows and believing in for better or worse. This was just part of the worse.
BJ and others maybe you can give me some advice. I have been doing a really good job of not calling, detaching with love all the DB stuff. Things have gotten really cordial with H and I. Anyway, he has been calling quite a bit, almost daily. I see him daily because he comes to get S. Yesterday, I sent H a note about tracking up the floors when he came to drop son off. He responded with "I love u 2". I know he was being a smart ass. This past Sunday all of us went to a movie (more than we have done in some time). Then yesterday he wanted to talk about the death of Heath Ledger. I engaged him a bit and got off the phone. Today, he wanted to talk about work stuff so I engaged him a bit, but he heard my cell phone ringing and I said I needed to take that call. Here is where I am kind of bothered. First he reamed me out about not answering my phone and being unavailable. We used to fight about this all the time. Before it was not intentional and now it is (little does he know). The other thing he said was that perhaps he should not come and see S on Saturdays. It is getting really hard making the daily trek here from here to his mom's daily. It takes about an hour. He said he needed at least one day to just be able to go straight home and relax. I understand, and even suggested to him some time ago about not coming on Saturday since he takes S on Sunday to sepend two days with him. It seemed pointless to me, but when I suggested it he did not want to go for it. Now he does. I said if it was really hard on him maybe he wanted to take a few other days off during the week. I have child care covered so it is not mandatory that he come every, single day. He said no that he wanted to see S everyday and always be a part of his life. I am not quite sure why it made me sad, but it did. I know we are not supposed to over analyze, but it is so hard not to do when you don't know WTF they are thinking. On one hand things have been going great (he suggested the movie not me). He called to talk about work the way he used to and he even said "M, I am not going to lie to you it's getting hard." Yet, the not coming on Saturday hurts. Partially, it hurts because he said he always wanted to be a part of S's life as if there is a chance he might not be. It kind of hurt because it seemed like we were making strides and this feels like a setback and it kind of hurt because Saturday is a date night and not that he couldn't have been out dating before, at least he had S on his mind to kind of give him a reality check. He always left by 5pm so plenty of time to still go out. Part of me is wondering if he is testing the waters. The "old" me would have given him grief the new me just said "OK". Any thoughts? I did not call H back, I stayed upbeat, I am even thinking it might be a good thing. At least one day away from S might make him miss his family and I don't know what he is doing, but he does not what I am doing either. I plan on being very unvailable to him on Saturday when he calls, in fact if I can muster up the energy after working that will be a fun night for S and I. Any thoughts anyone has would be appreciated. I stayed in DB mode, but I still felt down after getting off the phone with him.
I think it is good for him to take Saturday off. But what day do YOU get off? My schedule (not that we have implemented it yet) was for H to have 2 nights a week and alternate weekends. Those two nights I can do what I want, and my weekends "off" I can do what I want. Not that you don't love S, but you both need at least one night a week to do your own thing....it was good you said "OK" because that is not what he expected from you. Besides, in the beginning you suggested it, even if it took him awhile to decide...I think what you did and what H decided is fine. Just make sure YOU get time for YOU.
In regards to my sitch, H is coming home tonight after work, he says. I still think he should move out if he can't commit to changing his ways and actually WORKING on our R. I know we DB-ers aren't supposed to be pushy regarding the status of R, but I tried the "time and space" approach and he just ran with it, doing what he wants when he wants 24/7.
If I want to do something I have to get a sitter but when he goes out all night guess who is watching the kids? Me. So no more of him claiming to want to work on fixing our M and then staying out all night not even talking to me about taking a new job, etc. They say in the book don't waffle, I am not going to this time. Enough is enough. Either he make some changes or I tell him it is easier to live without him, for now. When he is ready to make changes, I may or may not want him back in my life. But of course he will always be part of S and D's life no matter what. That will always come first for me....
p.s. S5 is still puking. And I am supposed to sub for the head football coach/high school gym teacher tomorrow. I was actually looking forward to that. Maybe they will get a sub for the sub??? **Don't even think about H staying home with S tomorrow. He has the big interview in Omaha. He wouldn't do it anyway, bc subbing isn't a "real job" in his mind, not like his job.....
I spent a year as a sub and it is a real job if you make it one. (I deal with a lot of people, not professionals, who come do it as babysitting and get paid to do nothing. I had several of them in my building today. UGH!!!) Anyway, it is a fantastic way for you to get back into teaching and get your feet wet. Yes, we have gotten subs for the sub. Always remember that your children come first.
