Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Tostada Nearing the Hot Oil

We'll our dinner was positive I think. We were at dinner about 3.5hrs. We did argue a bit, but we aired a bunch out. We talked a ton. However, she is not wavering on her position that she wants to be apart. She is confused though saying she 'wants to be alone', 'i am afraid to be alone' 'i need to be independent', 'i want someone to take care of me', 'i want to be happy', 'i want to be in love'...how about those, I'm sure no one has heard any of those before.....

We did have two nice long hugs after dinner. And we have gotten along well all weekend. This is a positive in the fact that we did not really event talk hardly at all the past few weeks. We have been at each others throats. So to get along like this is a surprise for me. But...she is continuing down her path of her petition to have me leave the house, etc. That part is not good.

I wrote her a small note yesterday thanking her for coming to dinner and making a few points I made at dinner. She doesnt think anything I change will last more than 6 months. My points were that the kids were a great motivation to experience change, and that we have really figured out what we both want and we should try to live that, as well as think about the long term. I also pursued a bit. I know that may not sound right, but I thought in talking to her at dinner she was liking this from the outside. She seemed to enjoy other guys showing interest in her, so I think maybe I need to show much more appreciation and complement more, even though that could be pursuing. Also with the note I passed on a couple articles from this site.

So...this is what I get on an email today;

"What do you want to do for the next few weekends? I read your stuff...thanks for the nice note. I still need time apart...I know that scares you but I can't make any decisions right now...I'm sorry. I appreciate all of the effort you want to put into us...I would love to do the same but am not there. I want to be a great wife and mom....We can talk more later if you want."

I think there are some positives in here...its the first time I have heard her say she wants to be a great wife and mom...too bad its not with me. Not sure what she means by not making any decisions right now as it seems she has made the ultimate decision.

Tostada, compared to what you have been writing recently, this sounds very positive. It sounds to me like she has doubts. Strange that my W also expressed some of the same doubts over supper last night.

Hang in there.

I wish the doubts were bigger than what they seem....there might be a few in there, but not enough to sway her opinion. problem is this 'hearing' is looming and I think if that happens, our M will be unrecoverable.

I just dont understand what she means that she 'cannot make any decisions at this time'. She just thinks theres somebody out there waiting for her thats better than me.

Tostada,
I hear you regarding the doubts. Who knows maybe they will get stronger as you get closer to thehearing date.
I don't want to start the week on a negative butI would say in the majority of these cases there probably is someone (at least looming).

I think I fished out the person looming. she told me he won't talk to her anymore because he's worried about me. he is married.

my son told me last night that my kids drove around with mom looking for houses. he was asking a bunch of D questions with me. I thought this was totally awful for her to do this. I can't imagine what that would be ike for him.

tostada,
our wives are not working on all cylinders right now. yes, she could have looked for homes on her own. actually, all these actions make me wonder sometimes if my W is worth all this effort. that does not sound good i know. will they ever get back to what they were or is this it going forward? at this point all my efforts to save M is geared toward D7 and not me.

hopefully its just an extreme selfish phase.

first sign I have heard from her that she may be turning the corner on this selfish state is when she wrote she wanted to be a good wife and mom.

Great and great!

good...

You are SO lucky this did not blow up in your face. It seems so pushy, so much like you still want to be right more than married, that she has to see it your way. As an objective observer who has been with you since day one, this is what is doing you in more than anything. On the other hand she thanked you for the nice note, so no matter, you didn't make out too badly.

We could analyze this stuff to death. When I heard this stuff from my wife, it was the first tiny hint that there could be a chance. ALSO!!! I heard the six months bit. You know what, nothing changed on her part until after the six months of changes. Trust me, your wife started counting those six months 3 months after you started counting. She wants to see you be a good man consistently. Put yourself in her shoes could you blame her? Could you go for six months without being punitive or confrontational?

I swear you can still save this. I stopped posting to you because I figured you got sick of me smacking you. I could no longer resist as your last long post seemed like opportunity peeking around the corner at you. Please don't run her off by having to be right and or push the agenda of having to have things your way.

You cannot convince to stay through logic or guile, only through your loving actions, as according to her, not you.

Still with you everyday, just not posting much. Good luck and best wishes.

I admitted a lot of mistakes in my note but that I was dedicated to improve. I don't care that I'm right, I just want an opportunity to show her (or for her to allow) me to be a better person. I fear that if we are apart that will be impossible.

I like all the advice even if its hard to read. I'm a rookie at this, so I'm willing to hear anything.

just got an email from her saying she still wants to be apart and those articles you sent me show much change after 6-9 months. at least she read them. not sure I can last aother 6-9 months. ill shrivel like a raisin.

yes she has noticed the changes and the effort but doesnt think I can sustain it.

Tostada,

Regardless of what she says the changes in you will make you happier in the long run.

It's funny, my W noticed the changes and told me that it helped give her strength to leave me since she knows that I'll be okay and even more attractive to the next woman in my life because of the changes.

It's a strange, strange world